I can’t cope

I guess I haven’t amounted to much. @Jynx. I’m not the daughter that they want. I don’t do anything right. I have done things in the past that I’m ashamed of.

I’m on holidays so I should be happy. Others have things so much worse than I do.

Why do you need to 'amount to something' @Captain24? What does that even mean? I don't believe we are all supposed to be masters at stuff or become the most 'successful' at life - success means different things to different people anyway. I think it's okay to just go through life learning cool stuff, enjoying nature, dancing and singing and making art.

And so what if you're not the daughter they want? I remember my parents always told me 'I could do anything' and that idea became so toxic for me, cos I wasn't gonna become a doctor or a lawyer which I know they saw for me. I dropped out of my first uni degree and they kept pushing me asking what I was gonna do with myself. I worked in hospo for like 8 years and they always tried to guilt trip me about it. Like so what if I'm a waiter, someone has to do it and why does that make my life worth any less than some big shot making heaps of money? Once I stopped trying to be who they wanted me to be, things got a lot better. Expectations can be a huge pressure, but in the end it's not up to our parents to decide what kind of life we're going to live. That choice is ours alone.

I don't think you "should" be anything except you, in this moment. And if you're not bouncing off the walls with happiness just cos you're on holiday, that's normal. Our mental health issues don't just evaporate cos we're on holiday.

Yeah others have it worse. And others have it better. Always have, and always will. Comparing ourselves to others does no one any favours - the only person we ought to ever compare ourselves to is ourselves.

I don’t think that they expect me to be the most successful just at least some level of success @Jynx

I think their expectations have caused me a great deal of emotional turmoil. I seem to have placed their expectations onto myself. They are not achievable but I unless I reach them then I’m not good enough. I am trying to sit back and relax but I can’t seem to let go of where I should be.

I am proud of you. For allowing yourself to do you. You have so much strength. I could never stand up to my parents.

I feel bad that I’m not ‘bouncing off the walls’ Others may think that I’m not appreciative. They probably think I’m self centred for complaining about my parents and my holiday.

Im really far from well. But I feel guilty wasting the time of you guys when there is others needing you so much more.

@Captain24 yeah but the only person who gets to define what 'success' means in your life is you. We get all these BS social narratives pounded into us from a young age - that we gotta be married with kids and a stable high paying job to be considered successful. But for some people, success is just surviving, success is doing things you like doing, success is filling your life with things that hold meaning. It can be really hard when we take on others' expectations of us, internalise them. But if you could leave all that behind, all the social conditioning and parental expectations, what would you define as success?

You say you could never stand up to your parents. First off - you could! Just gotta remember that you gotta put yourself first, and that if they end up feeling that you've let them down or whatever, that is theirs. We are all responsible for our own emotional state and that's it. Their reactions are theirs. And secondly, you also don't have to buy into their narratives. If you don't wanna stand up to them cos it would cause too much emotional turmoil, that's fine - but you don't have to play their game. You can make your own way, carve your own path, and ignore their opinions and expectations because they don't matter as much as your own.

No one here is thinking of you that way hun. And why do you have to be appreciative anyway? You can be appreciative of the time spent at the beach without having to be thankful that your parents are part of it. You have every right to VENT (cos you're not complaining, remember?) about stuff that is impacting you! And as you can see from the support others have given, that no one here is thinking less of you for your need to have a safe space to talk about your feelings.

I will say it again hun - YOU DESERVE OUR TIME AS MUCH AS ANYONE. I legit don't mind telling you that over and over because one day, it'll stick.

Hey @Captain24 I don't know if it is helpful but what I consider my biggest success in life is dealing with mental illness. I don't think anyone in my life understands how hard it has been and what I have had to do to deal with it. It is unfortunately the kind of success that isn't recognised and you don't win any awards or anything for.

I know it isn't easy but you don't have anything to feel guilty about. There isn't a way you "should" feel. You feel what you feel and that is it, you can't force yourself to be having an amazing time for others or what their perception of what you "should" be feeling.

Also also these forums seem exactly for this kind of thing, just talking about how your life is going and getting some help from somewhere. I'm sure the people here can never be too busy to respond to you. If you need help you deserve to get it, it doesn't mean other people will miss out.

Sorry if I said anything wrong, I hope the rest of your trip is at least bearable and your parents calm down.

One last thing your dogs are extremely cute, I can see why they are so important to you.

Yeah I get the whole married and kids BS @Jynx The standard questions are ‘are you married? why not are you a lesbian’ ‘Do you have kids? Oh I’m sorry’ I know say that I haven’t met anyone good enough and I have furbabies they are sweeter than most kids.

For me, with no outside input, success I having all your ducks in a row. You are happy and content as you are. Free from too many stresses.

If I stand up to my parents the fall out would be intense. It would all be turned on me and I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. The guilt of me hurting them would hurt me. I can’t hurt anyone and I struggle if I disappoint someone.

Oh.. I think some are. But I guess that’s their problem. It’s not the holiday that’s the problem. I love this place, it’s so beautiful and serene. It’s the company I’m with that is toxic and making it all to unbearable.

While I’m terrified to go into hospital I don’t think I will actually live without it. It’s past the point of survival. I’m mostly safe while I’m with them but I do have to go home to my house alone. I’m hoping some breathing space helps me a little.

Something to make you laugh, just know I’m not laughing. The house smells like shit, literally. Why? Because between mum and dad they fart at least every 5 minutes. I’m not talk a little brup I’m talking brrruuuupp-burrp-bruuuuuuuuuupppppp then at the ends we might add a little bru-bru

Hey @Acanthiza

I guess it’s a success to make it through each day. I would say the way I’m dealing with it now is a success though.

Im a real sensitive person and always put other peoples feelings first. I don’t know if that’s just my nature or the way I was brought or should I say dragged up.

I just feel bad when I feel like I’m just going around in circles. It’s just a daily occurrence for me.

Never worry about saying something wrong. It’s ok.

Thanks about my furbabies they are

my world. Without them I would have already gone.

How are you going?

@Captain24 yeah it's such a nasty social construct, one that I take pride in defying in a lot of ways. Why should I do something that would make me miserable just because society says so?

Hmm... I'm gonna be honest hun, I don't think anyone, ever, gets to a point where all their ducks are in a row. Life always throws us curveballs, and even though I consider my mental health to be stable, and consider myself to be successful, I definitely don't have it all figured out. I am content in my sense of self, but I also know that I have more work to do - and always will. And happiness is never going to be an emotion I will feel all the time - I don't think it's reasonable to think that anyone can ever be permanently happy. To me, success is knowing myself, knowing my values, and striving to be as authentic as I can be in everything I do. That's just y narrative though, and maybe your narrative serves as a motivator for you. I am just conscious of the fact that for myself, I have set impossible goals in the past (like being happy all the time, or finding my 'one true love'), and ended up miserable when I was never able to achieve them.

I think you would be able to deal with it - the fallout. Look at what you're already dealing with! You're a survivor, through and through. And you being honest with them isn't hurting them, you advocating for your needs isn't hurting them - if they end up feeling hurt, it's because of their own insecurities and emotional issues. Setting boundaries and asking to be treated with kindness and compassion is not something we should ever have to feel guilty for. You say yourself that being with them is toxic and it seems to create a lot of pain and distress for you. Disappointing other people is never fun, but your emotions matter too. What about your disappointment at how you're being treated? You deserve to have a life free from that. I'm not necessarily saying cut your parents out - but you have every right to stand up for yourself and your needs.

Ewww oh you poor thing! Is there a room or balconey to escape to?

I will be logging out soon hun, so just in case, here's some big squishy cuddles for you 💜🫂

Just looked at the time

Thanks @Jynx for listening to my bullshit once again.

good night

So we managed to get through to lunchtime without an argument. I guess that’s a win. But now it’s ridiculous as usual. I cracked it at both of them. Plus I’ve had to pay for everything this trip. I think they have paid for 1 meal this whole time. This time tomorrow I will be on my own and I’m looking forward to that.

Poor little Jett got bitten twice by a bull ant. My poor baby was in so much pain. He seems to have settled a little now. Kieko got bitten as well but hers was only once.

Only half a day a night and half a morning to go. Can I make it? Am I able to do it? Do I have the strength to get through without doing anything to myself? I don’t know. I’ll guess I’ll wait and see.