I can’t cope

You might be asexual @Captain24 - I identify along the asexuality spectrum myself, so we can definitely chat about it more tomorrow?

Also, perhaps you could go out to an op shop and find a piece of clothing that you like, that you feel you may have been shamed for by your mum or whoever, and then get it! Even just to wear around the house at first if you like. Even if it's unconventional or weird - all the better!

I'm off for tonight, thanks for the lovely chats hun. Rest well 💜

I can’t sleep. I did spend most of the day in bed though.

I don’t want to be tired for my appointments tomorrow though. I don’t want to say anything that will make things worse. I’m scared enough without adding to it by being tired.

What do I do if they schedule me? I know I’m a safety risk but I hope they don’t see that. I haven’t really said that to them. That’s the first time I’ve used those words to myself.

I know that I’m in a really bad way and should probably be in hospital but with my dogs and my parents refusing to look after them any longer than a week, it makes it so hard.

I need a break from myself. I am scared of an admission though. But I’m willing to do it for a week. Hopefully they will all agree to that.

I am safe at the moment.

Hi @Captain24 , my thoughts are that if you are scheduled, your parents would just have to look after your dogs. That way they might also realise they've been treating you badly.

I am so sorry to hear about your SA - I didn't know. 😢

---

@Captain24 wrote:

I know I’m a safety risk but I hope they don’t see that. I haven’t really said that to them. That’s the first time I’ve used those words to myself.

---

Well done for doing that.

I hope your dietitican appt goes well tomorrow, and especially the pdoc appt with your CM along.

And we do care, @Captain24 💙

Thanks @NatureLover. That does mean a lot.

I don’t really want my parents to know how bad it is but I guess they may have a different attitude if they did.

Ate you ok? Being awake at this time of day?

I can understand you not wanting your parents to know how bad things are, @Captain24 .

---

@Captain24 wrote:

Ate you ok? Being awake at this time of day?

---

I should be asking you that! It seems you haven't slept at all? 😢

I don't know why I'm awake so early...been awake since 2.30 and up since 3.30. I think it's anxiety about my upcoming inspection - no date for it yet, but sometimes they are earlier than the due date, and there's a new agent so I don't know how much notice she'll give. We used to have an agent who gave 2 weeks' notice - she was great. With my hoard I need lots of notice!

I am happy to chat this morning for some distraction for you if you like? Or chat about how you're feeling? Unless you want to try to get some sleep...

It makes for a long day when we are up early @NatureLover.

Yeah.. I haven’t had much sleep. It can go one of two ways. I get even worse because I’m tired or I can go mixed episode. If I go mixed I’ll definitely be scheduled. It will mean I have to energy and motivation to act on my urges.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have an inspection as a hoarder. I’m pretty sure that they do have to give you 2 weeks notice. It’s been quite a few years since I’ve had an inspection and now that it’s my own home I don’t have to worry.

I don’t really know much about hoarding, only what you see on TV where the houses are full of stuff and unliveable.

---

@Captain24 wrote:

Yeah.. I haven’t had much sleep. It can go one of two ways. I get even worse because I’m tired or I can go mixed episode. If I go mixed I’ll definitely be scheduled. It will mean I have to energy and motivation to act on my urges.

Oh gosh, @Captain24 😭

Should I be leaving you to sleep???

I thought it was only 24 hours notice they had to give you for an inspection, although I haven't checked those rules lately. I couldn't do it in 24 hours!

I am not as extreme as those shows about Hoarding you see on TV. However I do have some points from levels 2, 3 and 4 hoarding, like narrow goat paths through all my stuff on the floor, trip hazards, and no way to get an ambulance gurney through if one was needed. However the stuff on the floor is only up to knee level.

One complication is that I need to disinfect a lot of what comes into the house (due to my germophobia), so it takes forever to tidy up.

Please go to sleep if you can, catch that sleep wave and don't worry about replying...

Yes definitely more than 24 hrs @NatureLover.

That sounds rough. What makes you keep everything, if you don’t mind me asking. No need to answer either.

Germaphobia sounds hard too. Does that

mean you have to constantly clean everything all the time? Is it a form of OCD?

It sounds like I have things easy compared to what you go through.

You definitely don't have things easier, @Captain24 ...major depression is the worst of all, in my opinion. (I've had MDD all my life)

I hoard to protect myself and because possessions don't hurt you, unlike people. Possessions keep me safe. (Although you could argue they hurt me in the long run as they make my life so difficult to function)

Yes, germophobia is a form of OCD. I wash my hands a hundred times a day, and have a need to disinfect everything.

I don't mean to talk about myself, I am happy to talk about how you're feeling... I know you don't have anything to give at the moment - which is totally fine 🙂

Depression is so hard. @NatureLover. I feel like it ruins your life. Especially when there is no trigger so you don’t know where it comes from. With bipolar it just happens for no reason. Everyone asks what has happened to cause it, even my psych. My Pdoc and CM don’t as they know.

Im cool to learn more about you. If you’re ok with me asking questions.

Do the things you keep have meaning to them or can you just not get rid of things. I don’t mean that in a rude way, I mean it inquisitively.

How does hoarding and germaphobia go together? Doesn’t the stuff you hoard get dusty?

Your hands must get so sore. Does it mean you are constantly cleaning what’s already in your house or just the things that come in?

I hope you don’t think I’m being rude