I can’t cope

It's okay that you only went for a short walk @Captain24 . The fact is, that you actually went for a walk!

Good on you for getting out and going to your folks.

Do you think part of feeling 'low' is because you live alone? No judgement... I'm just curious. After all, I also live alone.

I don’t know @tyme . I usually love living alone. I am feeling lonely and isolated at the moment but I don’t think I could have company.

I don’t have anyone I can turn to but I don’t feel I am worth it either. Why would anyone want to be with me when I don’t want to be.

I absolutely despise who and what I am. I hate myself and hate who I am. I feel useless and worthless. I just don’t know how to lift myself out of where I am.

At this stage I can only see one way out but it terrifies me so much. But it’s not the best way. I just don’t know what the best way is. I just hope this med adjustment that I’m going through sorts something out for me. I guess it could be part of while I’m feeling so dark.

So sorry for being a burden when you already have so much going on.

All good @Captain24 - I don't have so much going on that I can't devote time to this thread. It's important.

I know only so real what it is like to go through such a dark phase. I'd encourage you park whatever pink ice cream van into your thoughts. Your version of my pink ice cream van may be Pixie doing something silly, a childhood memory, something funny someone has said etc.

The reason I'm saying this is that I've learnt that the more you think these thoughts, the more ingrained they become and the harder it is to re-train your brain to think in healthier ways. It was so much work for me to 'undo' all the negative thinking patterns I'd learnt.

I hope my experiences will make yours a little lighter.

I remember the time I used to hate being me. I hated living and I hated my own company, yet I despised the company of others too. It was a very difficult time in my life. I was going through my driving history yesterday, and my 'dark' times are really evident in my driving history. Thank God I have a clear record now. But darkness really does cloud one's outlook.

Help yourself, even if it's hard. It will be worth it. You have so much to give and so much ahead. It'll be worth it.

What is your version of my ice-cream van?

 My ice cream van! @tyme

Thank you for sharing and thank you for your time. I really do appreciate it.

I just don’t know how to accept me for who I am. After 45yrs of being told I’m nothing and knowing I’m nothing, it’s going to be hard. I do have moments when I think I could maybe be a sort

of an ok person.

Sorry. I need to stop being negative

OMG! I laughed so much seeing Pixie's face @Captain24 . Tooo adorably cute.

I love dogs, but I get too attached. Hence, I won't get any more dogs. I've had 2 in the past. Cutest things out. My fur babies. They never argued, and always listened (well....mostly).

Don't let your negative mind tell you that no one wants to be around you. You've truly got so much in you. For now, it's about getting through a little bump in the road.

I had been in my house for about a week and the turf hadn’t been laid because of rain. She thought it would be fun to dig in the mud!

I get way to attached too. When my last dog died I cried for weeks on end! But pixie did heal my heart.

Hopefully I get through this hole unscathed @tyme . So far I haven’t self harmed for a week so that’s a good sign. The thoughts are there though.

I’ve been really selfish and have asked how your day has been and now it’s time to log off. I’m so sorry

I'm taking it easy @Captain24 . I rested today because I was minding my nephew for a few hours and his asthma was playing up. So I wanted him to have a sleep in the arvo... and to do that, I had to sleep with him! So I just had a nap with him. He's so small and he's going to start school next year. I hope his asthma gets better.

I was a terrible asthmatic as a child... not pleasant.

As for getting through this dark trough unscathed, I have full faith in you. And Pixie is just toooo cheekily cute! I've still got her pic in my mind and I smile each time I think of it. Now that's definitely your ice-cream van!

Anyway, I'll speak to you later in the week. I'm going to head off soon.

So I’ve just been to the chiropractor and I have bulging discs in my spine and they are bulging in towards my spinal cord. That’s why it’s so painful.

At least I know it’s not my head messing with my back. But my back is messing with my MH.

I still have no motivation or any care for life. So I guess I have a lot of work to do to fix both.

Hi @Captain24,

I'm sorry to read about your back - that sounds really painful. I can understand those feelings around how physical pain can impact your mental health. Being in pain can get you down sometimes.

Is there anything the doctors can do for your bulging discs? I really do hope the pain eases up for you very soon.

Sitting alongside you and sending you best wishes,

FloatingFeather