I can’t cope

I like the idea of snacking @tyme .

I really need to start moving to help get better both physically and mentally. I will also get out my fit ball and sit on it as it’ll help with my core strength. The sad thing is I use to teach strengthening classes!

I can't say I love exercising @Captain24 - but as I said, i know it's good for me.

I really find it a chore.

We might have to challenge each other. We also have a Walking for Wellness group - encourage each other to get moving!

tyme

Righto challenge accepted @tyme .

Also I don’t if you read my earlier post about not wanting to ring a friend as I was a burden. Well. I did ring. She cried cause she need to talk but didn’t want to burden me! It was good to have a conversation..

Congratulations @Captain24 ! That's a HUGE step!

It's like me. On Tuesday night I went to the city for ME. I had dinner out. I ended up just calling a work college. I wasn't expecting her to come because it was so out-of-the-blue. But she ended up coming.

I'm sharing this with you because this is out of my comfort zone. I don't like going out with work people. I hardly every go out for myself. And i think if i had more time to think about it, I wouldn't have gone. I ended up going to the IMAX to watch a 3D film.

So, I see it as an achievement.

Probably like how you also 'pushed' yourself to contact your friend.. and I'm so glad you did because it sounds like she needed it.

Well done @tyme. I totally get how hard that is..massive achievement.

I can do stuff on my own but struggle to ask anyone to come with me.
I feel like no one would want to hang with me.

It was good to call her she really needed to chat. It was nice to be able to be there to listen for someone. It did lift me a little. The dark thoughts aren’t as bad.

In a way, I feel what you wrote is part of the reason why I love peer work @Captain24 - to be able to listen to others really lifts me too.

I get so much fulfilment out of it.

As for having people 'hanging out' with me, I guess I don't like it so much because perhaps I have a fear of people getting to know the real me? I don't know. I really haven't thought of it.

The other reason is that I'm around people all day, and helping people all day, that when I'm not around people, I really don't feel like 'hanging out' with people. I want space to myself.

So yes, it's rewarding to be with people, but for me, it can also be draining.

Does this even make sense?

It makes complete sense @tyme

I don’t show my true self to anyone as I’m always worried that they won’t want to know me. I think that’s why I have my wall.

When I was in retail I was so happy to come home to an empty house as it’s really hard to be nice to people all day and I just wanted my own space. Now that I pretty much work on my own I do sometimes miss that human contact. But at the same time I want to be alone. That makes no sense!! Lol

What do you do? It’s ok if you’re not comfortable answering!

Absolutely okay for me to answer @Captain24 - I feel like you are posting my life.

I've never worked in retail, but it's pretty much how I feel. I'm 'nice' to people all day, that when I come home, I just want to be alone.

Many people have asked if I want to be in a relationship, and I'm like... "no thanks". I'm so happy to have the peace in the evenings. Of course I'm not saying everyone has to be like me, I'm just sharing my experiences.

Having my own time means I've got more energy to devote to help others. If I had my own family, no doubt, my family would come first.

In terms of isolation, I used to feel this when I was on annual leave etc. Places I worked at in the past meant I had to take leave. I couldn't accrue it for 10 years LOL. These became my 'red flag' times where I would engage in a lot of SH - possible because of the break in routine, the lack of accountability, and isolation?

Hence, at first, my case manager used to help me plan things in the holiday periods e.g. extra appointments with the case manager, social supports, peer worker contacts etc.

Then after a couple of years, I learnt to include more and more of my own scheduled activities in such as going out for dinner, visiting family, going for a drive etc. By planning these things, I was made accountable and had to be alive to make the appointment!

This is because one of my values is that if I make an appointment, I keep it - unless I'm dead.

So I guess it's about working with your own protective factors? Keeping appointments is my protective factor.

Yours may be Pixie and your family? Can you think of other protective factors?

Wow!! @tyme sounds so familiar

I don’t want a relationship either as I rather come home alone. I don’t want to have to think about anyone else.

My SH is worse on my days off. You just showed me I need to do more planning for my days. My days off are every 5 days!! I usually have a gp app every break maybe I need to make an app with the nurse as well instead of just the odd phone call.

If I make an app I will always keep it too.

I struggle with protective factors. I have Pixie and I guess my family. But I don’t really see much else that’s worth living for.

However after the ‘other night’ I did realise that maybe more people may care than I think. But it’s sad that it takes that kind of thing for people to show that they do care.

In my recovery, I've learnt that I need to do the hard work. I can't rely on others to do the work for me whether it family or friends @Captain24 .

Yes, they are a good support, but I couldn't rely on them to make me feel better. I learnt this because I used to wait for a call from certain people in order to feel better. Over time, boundaries mingled and I began to leech off people - this was very taxing on them. Now, when I look, I'm glad I experienced it because I've learnt that I need to find things that I can do to better myself.

And with your protective factors, you don't need a lot of them. Even if it's just one, it's still a protective factor. Also, protective factors can change depending on the situation. It's about what keeps you safe for that time.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight @Captain24 . I won't be around tomorrow, but will probably catch up on Sunday or mid next week sometime.

Please take care. I'll speak soon. By the way, I'll wait for a photo of your Tweety diamond painting 🙂

And... I'm not sure what 'exercise' I'll do tomorrow, but I'll keep you posted - I already don't feel very hopeful about it... LOL