I can’t cope

Something that really helped me @Captain24 is to try to see myself how others saw me. Like if a friend gave me a compliment, my brain would be really quick to shut it down and disagree with the sentiment. I started putting an effort into saying to myelf, 'Hey, this person sees something in me that I don't. Maybe in this moment, I will trust their judgement moreso than I will trust my anxiety-riddled brain telling me I'm a piece of crap.'

Aww hell yes hun, grab that positive and get stuck into some self-compassion whenever you can. It can be so hard sometimes but it is a skill that gets way better with practice.

The truth of who you are can be obscued by the pain, but never destroyed by it. You'll find your way back to you. And we'll absolutely be there beside you. You don't need to do it on your own hun, otherwise what is even the point of society?

I just got this mental image of making a lil flag saying 'You got this, Cap!' and then I wave it around in support of you any time you need!

Thanks @Bow. That means a lot especially with what you are going through. I hope you allow yourself to be helped. It’s hard when we put it out there but they can’t read between the lines.

I am trying to accept compliments @Jynx. Yes my brain shuts them down but at least I’m listening to them first now. I guess that’s a step in the right direction.

I hope I find my way back. Thanks for walking beside me through it all.

I have an image of the flag 😜

Im going to go to bed try and get some sleep. I need to hopefully get some before 4:30. Not being able to sleep hasn’t been helping. My CM isn’t overly concerned as she is blaming the weather. She is having the same problem. I promised her I would do everything right tonight but once again I messed up.

Thanks for tonight and sorry to unload so much onto you. I really appreciate that you listened and supported me.

@Captain24 absolutely a step in the right direction hun.

You've nothing to be sorry for, I'm glad to have been able to provide a space for you to talk it through.

Sleep tight, rest well, hope you dream of dogs running along beaches and chasing down seagulls with their ears flapping about, hehe. Nighty night 💜

@Captain24 Well done for reaching out for help to your CM. I'm sorry you felt shot down by her. I think it's a great idea by @Jynx to show your CM some of your forum posts.

I hope your meeting with her on Weds goes well and you can maybe discuss hospital. It's not OK, how you're suffering 😢

I'm agreeing with @NatureLover hon. Well done for reaching out for help @Captain24 That is really hard to do at times.

I hope today goes ok for you 💗💗

Thanks @NatureLover @Snowie.

I don’t know what I want or need but something has to change. I guess I’ll just wait and see how it goes tomorrow.

Im at work and was told I couldn’t drive a truck for the middle section. So now I’m bored. I was actually enjoying doing something out here for a change.

I hope you are all ok.

Chat later

So I’ve sat down and written out a

list of how I have been feeling. It was so hard.

I went through my posts and emails and just wrote everything that is on repeat. which is basically the same constantly.

Going through I see how bad things really are. And they are really bad. It was really confronting. Now I’m scared to give it to my CM tomorrow. I don’t know if I can do it.

I wish I never said anything to anyone. I should have just suffered in silence. No one needs to hear all that.

What have I done 😢 😢😢😢😢

Yes they do @Captain24. You aren't 'inflicting' yourself on anyone, and any impact you sharing does have will be so minimal, sooo miniscule compared to the pain you endure by suffering in silence.

It's a really brave thing to have gone through and revisited your posts to get that bigger picture of how things are for you. Don't let it have been in vain.

T/W Negative talk

Maybe she won’t listen to it anyway @Jynx. Because I can have a conversation I’m fine.

Im scared as to what will happen if I do give it to her. What if she ‘sees’ it when she reads it.

So many thoughts. So much I need to say but can’t say. The constant circle.

Why me? What have I done so wrong? I must have done some pretty terrible things in the past.

I deserve it I guess.

Do I keep trying.

Is it worth it.

Am I more than just a worthless waste of space. Just a nobody.

There is no good in me.

I can’t do it anymore

@Captain24 if she doesn't listen to it then dump her ass and find someone who will. You are really needing folks to actually understand how bad things are - if they won't listen, they're not the right supports for you.

I'm not quite sure what you mean about her 'seeing' it?

You don't deserve to feel like this. Even if you have done things in the past that you regret, it doesn't mean you deserve punishment. Everyone makes mistakes. To deserve the kind of pain you're in, you'd have to have done something heinous, and since you're not in jail I sincerely doubt you've ever done anything so bad as to deserve feeling this way.

Keep trying. You're worthy, you're deserving of good things, you're a boon to this world and deserve to take up space in it.

If there was no good in you, I wouldn't spend any energy on supporting you. I dedicate time to talking to you because you're worth every second of it. Please try to see yourself through my eyes for a minute and let yourself believe my words.