I can’t cope

We did email back and forth for a little bit @Jynx. Then she rang me after everyone had left. I see her on Wednesday after my dietitian.

Because I had candid conversation she thinks that it’s not too bad. She pointed out that I’m still looking after the dogs so I do have some motivation. Plus that I managed to get through Christmas. She didn’t have much to say about the way I’ve been trying to get to sleep. I think she just let that slide.

Hospital did come up. I told her I had a time in March for a week that I think would work. But I think I need it now. I guess I’ll wait and see what happens on Wednesday.

It’s a massive thing for me to ask about hospital. I was nearly convinced before Christmas but I think now it may be needed.

@Captain24 hmm did it feel like she wasn't taking you seriously enough? Maybe on Wednesday you can let them know that March is too far away at the rate you're going at the moment, how does that sound? Or you could say to your CM that what you need from her right now is help advocating for an earlier admission. Rather than putting it in their hands, tell them what you need right now, and what you feel could happen if you don't get the support sooner. What do you reckon?

I don’t think she really gets it @Jynx. She sees the shell on the outside. She did hear me when I said it’s eating me up inside.

I don’t know if I can advocate for myself. I was hoping that the plea for help was enough.

I know that I need help but reaching out today was hard enough. I kinda feel shot down. That maybe it’s not that bad.

I was scared enough today.

I don’t know how to get it all out in words.

@Captain24 Sucks to be so good at masking sometimes eh?

The fact that you feel shot down, and not reassured, tells me that it is that bad. The last thing you need right now is to be discouraged from seeking support.

How do you go with writing things down first, does that help? Could you perhaps in the next appt bring a couple notes about the fact that you struggle to vocalise just how bad things are for you internally, and that you feel like she doesn't really get it, how hard things are right now?

She told me it wasn’t a mask @Jynx. That it’s the real me coming through. I told her I didn’t want to be here anymore but because I have Pix and Jett it shows that I want to be. Because I go to work shows that I want to be here. But I’m only doing all that because I have to. I do love my dogs though. If it wasn’t for them I would already be gone.

I know I’m still here somewhere. If I keep showing it everyone will think I’m ok. But I don’t know how to show the side that is eating me up. There isn’t much of me left.

How do i convey all this. I really don’t know how. Maybe she is right. Maybe I don’t need help. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe this is normal. Part of me wants to give in and show everyone that I’m not ok. That this isn’t normal. That the shell is just a mask.

I can try writing it down but I don’t seem to get it out well enough. Maybe I need to go back through emails.

Just a thought @Captain24 but why not show her some of your forums posts? Even this one sums up a lot of your feelings pretty well - like how work feels like an obligation, not a demonstration of your wellbeing, for instance.

You're definitely still in there. I see you shining through all the time. I know how much your pain probably feels all-consuming, but it's not stronger than you are.

I could do that. Let her read this stuff to maybe have a better gauge on where I’m at @Jynx It’s hard after trying to reach out and failing. Story of my life.. failing.

Can you really see the real me in there? Do you really think I am stronger? Am I going to make it through?

@Captain24 reaching out isn't failing.

And yeah I absolutely can - you're warm, passionate, caring, you love dogs and animals and love the beach, and in those moments where we're just chatting casually, it's just like chatting to a friend. Heck even the moments where it's less casual and more about the support, it's still like supporting a friend, because you always respond with kindness and gratitude.

I don't even need to think on it hun. I know that you are strong. I truly believe you will make it through. None of us can know the future, we can't know for sure... but having belief in it, belief in ourselves, goes a really long way to getting us there.

I don’t see it @Jynx. But I guess it is there sometimes.

I am taking something positive out of this though and that’s showing myself a little compassion.

Im not sure that I’m strong enough to make it. It’s really eating at me, deep into my soul. It’s like it has taken my whole being away from me.

Thanks for seeing good things within me and believing I have the strength. I need you both (you know who I mean) to help hold me through this please, if you can. I can’t do it on my own.

Hey @Captain24 just wanting to stop by before I head to sleep to let ya know I’m thinking of ya. Know things are tough at the moment, but you got this. You are strong enough. I know it’s hard to ask for that extra support… to ask for help. But you deserve it. Hope you can get it real soon. In the meantime know we’re all here for ya.