I can’t cope

@Captain24 I think if I remember Pix's surgery was today. If it was I hope everything goes well.

Thinking of you hon and here if you need 💌💌

Sorry @Snowie.

Thanks for checking in and checking in Pix

Pix has just come out of surgery and all went well. They replaced her cruciate ligament and repaired another tear. I pick her up at sometime tomorrow and then we start rehab in 2 weeks. So far she hasn’t become aggressive, if she does overnight they are going to call me to come and get her. I have a little playpen to keep her in as she isn’t allowed to move for the next few weeks.

Im sorry, I’ve just got nothing and don’t think I should be on here tonight.

Work broke me this weekend and I’m not in a really good place. Now I don’t even have work as a break from my headspace.

Im sorry

Aww lil Pix! @Captain24 I'm sorry to hear she's going through surgery, though very relieved to hear it went well.

If you need to step away and do what you need to do to look after yourself, then I trust your wisdom. But if you do want to chat, I'm here 💜

Hey @Jynx

Hope all is well?

They cut me really deep at work. Really deep. It’s made me not want to care or want to be there anymore. I’ll just go because I have to.

I had a psych appointment today and I don’t even remember much of it. It’s like I wasn’t really there. I know that doesn’t make any sense. I don’t get it. All I remember is that she is moving from the city out to here and I need a punching bag.

I have a Pdoc app tomorrow and my CM wants me to do a timeline of what has happened since April. I don’t want to relive the last several months. Especially with the way I am right now. But I guess I’ll have to do it before tomorrow afternoon.

I’ve just been trying to do my Lego but because I’m so useless I can get it right.

The best option for me right now is to go to bed. I don’t see any other way.

Aww @Captain24 yeah I'm doing pretty nifty, thanks for asking.

That is super rough with work, please know their opinion of you and their actions towards you are a reflection of them, and not of you.

I mean it sounds like maybe you were a bit dissociated? Or in a kind of fugue state where you're disconnected from self and reality. Or maybe your memory is a bit foggy, which can happen when we've been in distress for extended periods. You could always reach out to your psych and highlight that you don't remember much, and ask for a little recap or something?

If you don't feel up to doing a timeline, or if it could be potentially quite triggering, you also have every right to say that in order to care for yourself you had to skip that little exercise and postpone it for another time. Or even ask to do it together, so you have support and care whilst reliving the tough stuff.

Lego is a very highly focused task, I'm not surprised it's getting on top of you! Totally can be put on the shelf for another day. Something like colouring in or similar could be better, but also if bed is beckoning you then you can listen to that methinks.

Sending you a huge pile of hugs. I really hope tomorrow is easier on you hun 💜

Thanks @Jynx

Glad you are nifty..

At work I don’t go around saying what I’ve done. I just do it and go along with my day. They don’t see that I make sure I put others needs before myself. There’s a lot that they don’t see. But that is me, I’m not one to big note myself. I’m the one that hides in the corner making sure everyone else is ok. But I always put others first as I feel selfish and inconsiderate if I don’t. I don’t really matter, the others are more important.

This whole missing stuff is happening often. I’ll be driving home from work (35-45 minute drive) I’ll remember leaving but then I’ll be at the 80 zone and have missed most of the trip. Or I’ll be at the supermarket and then I’m at home and don’t even know if I got everything I needed. Or at work I get to an intersection and not be sure of where I am and which way to go.

I don’t think that they realise how hard a timeline is going to be. But they want it done so I have to do what they want. It doesn’t matter what I can or can’t do. I just have to keep them happy.

Sorry this is a lot..

@Captain24 You don't need to apologise to me hun, it is indeed a lot but you are the one who is sitting with it all! I can only hope that by sharing, you're able to feel a little lighter. If I can share even one iota of it I will, and don't worry about me I have many a things in place that help me manage my own self care when supporting others.

I am really hearing how much you put yourself at the bottom of your priority list. It's such a tough one to shake, and something I've dealt with in my own life - so much so that it took a long time to even be able to recognise my needs, let alone attend to them. It's hard because it can feel wrong to be selfish. I mean we're told all our lives that selfishness is wrong. But it's not - it's actually super important! Selfishness to excess and at the expense of others is wrong, but somehow I got it all mixed up and thought that putting myself first at all was wrong.

The kicker is, if we always put others needs before our own, we can become so overburdened by it that we actually become less effective at helping others, and then when they notice we aren't performing at our usual standard, they might get upset. Do you think this is maybe what's happening with your work? Cos it might sound counterintuitive, but being selfish, attending to our needs, and nourishing ourselves actually makes us better at being a team player in the long run.

Hmm if you are noticing missing chunks it could be worth bringing up with your treating team - especially if it's affecting you when driving, that could potentially be dangerous.

It ALWAYS matters what you have capacity for, and jut because they've asked you for this timeline doesn't mean you owe it to them. This could be an opportunity to sit in the discomfort of saying no, and putting your own needs first. Cos yeah, it is uncomfortable at first! You could even speak about this very conversation, about how little you are able to put yourself first, and that even though you know it's an important part of treatment, that you needed to respect your own state of mind and not push yourself into a potentially worsened state by reviewing all the crap you've been through lately.

Or, you know, push through it, get it done, feel like poop afterwards, but it'll be over n done with. You are the one who gets to decide though, that's the point.

I'll be headed off soon, so I'll say goodnight to you now - and wish you a restful slumber, and a better day tomorrow. Big love, big hugs, nighty night 💜

My Pdoc appt was cancelled today. Again. Now it’s on Tuesday, a work day, so I’m happy it’s one less day in that horrible place.

My CM rang me to let me know, it was bad connection so she couldn’t really hear me. She said she would email but she hasn’t. She could hear that I’m really not ok at all. She finished with saying ‘look after yourself, kid’ I thought that she might check in, but no.

It’s overcast and gloomy here, we do need rain though. My mood is the same as the weather. I started to do my timeline for my appt but it was really horrible reliving the last few months, I couldn’t finish it. At least I have more time now. I don’t think the way I’m feeling helped at all.

Pixie is in so much pain and is hating being contained and I feel really bad for it. It is the best in the long run though.

I have pretty bad urges but I’m not considering ending my life. Sometimes I think this vicious cycle is never going to end. I have done so much Lego today, as my diamond art still hasn’t turned up, it’s just not working.

I thought about going for a walk but it’s not fair on Pix if I go without her and my parents have her pram. Plus I think she is in too much pain anyway. I can’t go for a drive as I can’t risk her in the car. I’m pretty much trapped. Which is probably a good thing.

Sorry for the download.

Hey @Captain24 ,

Sorry to hear that things are so hard.

Has Pix had her surgery yet?