I can’t cope

Where I’m going is absolutely beautiful. @Snowie. I love it. It is my happy place! I’ll post photos.

Im suppose to be journaling too but I just cant bring myself to do it. I was doing it every day until I hit the crisis back at the end of April. Then I was in constant crisis and couldn’t face my thoughts on paper.

Hey @tyme. I’ve just sent you an email. I don’t know if you can help. I’m also not sure I sent it to the right place. 😂

I'm glad it is your happy place @Captain24 We all need that place, especially where we can relax and unwind.

Sometimes I find journaling hard too. It isn't always easy to write our thoughts down. I find it hard to do it when my thoughts are all scrambled. Sometimes I just don't know where to start.

It's good to come home to a clean house @Captain24 . Remember when I was going away, and I still hadn't even packed that morning? Lol, we are different in that.

As for the beach and water, I could live there. I absolutely find beaches so soothing. In my down days, I spent hours and hours at the beach.

@Snowie , do you have a structure to your journalling? Maybe I didn't do it right. Do you talk about your day or how you feel, or both? When I was 'journalling', it turned into an angry emotional dump. It wasn't healthy. Hence I'm interested to hear more about the way you journal.

I normally write about how I feel and my thoughts @tyme It sometimes does turn into an emotional dump but I do find that it helps. It gives myself the right to acknowledge how I am feeling and that it is ok to have those feelings/thoughts. When my thoughts are really dark, that is when I'll write it on paper and tear it up and throw it away. It allows me to 'release' those thoughts.

However it is not something that has come easily to me. At the start I found it very difficult to journal. I was scared of admitting to myself that I had those thoughts/feeling. That if I acknowledged them then they would become 'real'. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with it.

In saying all that, I am going to go get in my pj's, journal, take my meds and try to get some sleep.

@Captain24 I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight and tomorrow is a new day for you.

Thanks to you both for keeping me company tonight.

Rest up my dear @Snowie . We will catch up over the weekend at some point.

Goodnight @Snowie. I hope you sleep well.

Yeah I remember @tyme. My suitcase is nearly packed! The only things I need to put in there are 3 shirts and a pair of jeans! Which I will do tomorrow. I have to be organised.. it stress me out to much when I’m not. I also have a check

list that I tick off. I don’t tick it off unless it’s actually in a bag. The last things are in the morning of leaving Eg when I do my hair Monday morning my brushes will go straight into the bag, as pixie eats her bowl goes straight in. As I finish using what I need it’s packed straight away!

Mum stresses me out when we are leaving to come home. She talks to herself as she is moving things to 3 different place before she actually packs them. I’m pretty much packed the night before we leave to come home! But everything is organise to finish it the next morning!

I used to be super organised, but since COVID, i've thrown in the towel Pre-covid, I'd have everything ready ages before. Then during COVID, many many of my plans came to nothing.... hence I didn't bother planning or getting organised for events and outings anymore as they could be cancelled at any time.

Even with the last camping trip, I had no idea what time I was going, what the address was or anything. I only decided to look at it in the morning.

@Captain24

We all change... who knows what I'll be in a few years time?

I've come to the realisation that work NEVER finishes. The more you do, the more you need to do. It's just so important to let things be sometimes.

Oh, and my weekend? Nothing too much planned for now. @Captain24 I want to do some cleaning and tidying around my house. I won't start doing it until late afternoon. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow morning... I hope. Unless the kids wake me up (which I know they will).

I know the address but not what time we are leaving. That is stressing me out! @tyme. I like to leave early but mum always says about 8:30. Then I get to her house and she is still stuffing around. The suitcase will be in the car but it’s the laptop, all the tablets a thousand charges, all her cameras… I don’t see why she needs it all. I just take my phone!

I think it’s my anxiety that I will miss something. But also my bestie has just been diagnosed with ADHD and says I have most of the traits as well. So that might come into it. I don’t know. I haven’t mentioned that to my team though.

Yeah we all change but I can’t see my anxiety changing around needing to be organised. I don’t think it’s a bad trait mostly. I just struggle to go with the flow.

Work doesn’t finish, once you get started you find something else and then it keeps snowballing. That’s why I use my lists. If I’m getting distracted I put times in it. Eg 9:00 washing 9:20 dishes. That kind of thing. Then when my list is complete I can go do the other stuff.

I hope you get a sleep in. Have you got your own bed yet? How is it going with the in-laws? Are the kids still focused on you or are they spending some time with them?

OMG what a ramble. I think maybe I’m a bit to good! 😂 😂 😂

LOL @Captain24 . Are you going in the same car???!!! If so, I don't know what to say - maybe, "Good Luck?"

I like leaving early too. I hate leaving late. I hope it all goes well.

As for my bed, no. The bed is at their house. The aunt was using it, but she is in Sydney at the moment for 1.5 months or something. I think she will be back in Dec? In the meantime, my bed is still over there. I've been sleeping on the couch when I've had enough of the kids.

I had a 'fight' with the eldest last night. She upset me so much. Said so many cruel things. Can't believe she's 7 and know exactly how to get you. It started over something very small. She wanted me to turn the light off for her and I said no, and that she had to do it because she turned it on.... it just blew up from there.

I ended up walking off, and she ended up bawling her eyes. When she's tired, she gets all argumentative and difficult. So her mum said the whole family is staying home tomorrow to chill and settle down.

The kids don't spend excessive time with the inlaws or anything.