I can’t cope

My mood fluctuations are horrible @tyme. I just want it to end. I’m sorry you had to go through this but it seems like you got yourself together so you give me hope. Thank you. Also thank you for being there and for your support even though I’m very difficult

I feel like everyone is sick of me. I’m finding it harder and harder to reach out as no one wants to hear negativity all the time. It’s like I’m just pushing everyone away. When I’m this bad I can even hold a conversation. Hopefully the psychiatrist and mood stabilisers will help. I constantly want to self harm and constantly wish I wasn’t here. I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve spent hours doing the diamond art. I have about 5 hrs left on the tweety one and the ones I ordered online have arrived so I can’t wait to start them. They are going to take a long time but I enjoy them better when I’m constantly changing colours. Obviously most of tweety is yellow so it is a little bit monotonous.

Are you having anything exciting for dinner?

You are definitely describing a dark place I only know so well @Captain24 . I was in it for years. At first, it was said it was bipolar, but the frequency of the mood fluctuations didn't match. I took bipolar meds for 10 years! And I didn't have bipolar! No wonder they didn't do anything for me lol.

I hope you find a place of stability. My journey was definitely worth it though. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

As for your Tweety, good on you. That's the square diamonds, isn't it? That's tricky!

And dinner... I'm having something light if I do have anything because I had a big brunch. I went with my sister, nephew and friend to a cafe and had southern style chicken with kaleslaw in a tortilla wrap 🙂 Delish!

You are inspiring @tyme. I don’t know how you manage to get through! Sorry you had the wrong diagnosis. Hopefully they get mine sorted before 10 yrs! Lol.

Just as I think I’m getting there I crash again. Hopefully they can sort me out soon.

I got tweety from spotlight so it’s the rounds. The 3 I ordered online are squares and I should start one tomorrow. It takes a lot more concentration with the squares but I need that so it’s ok.

Sounds like a nice brunch date!

I definitely hope you get things 'sorted' before 10 years @Captain24 !

I remember being in hospital, and the psychiatrist said "You don't need those [meds], you don't have bipolar" - and I never took the meds again. Made NO difference. Instead, it was Borderline Personality Disorder I had to tackle which is commonly misdiagnosed as bipolar.

15 years on, the psychotherapy made a HUGE difference.

I still have difficulties with forming/maintaining relationships - I think I avoid them altogether! That's why today's lunch date was even more special - because it was out of my comfort zone and not something I'm used to doing too much with others. I guess it was my sister, so that's start 🙂

The psychiatrist said probable bipolar. @tyme I also fit some of adhd. But it’s pretty obvious that these meds aren’t working. So it’ll be interesting what she says on Thursday.

I get the difficulty of brunch as I struggle with that too. I have really bad social anxiety. I can’t form relationships and if I do I’m usually the one that gives up and pushes people away. I look at people on here chatting to each other but I don’t seem to be able to connect. Since being on these meds I’ve noticed how much I struggle with anxiety especially in situations where there is more than 4 people.

So true @Captain24 - my social anxiety was through the roof. I pushed EVERYONE away. I was only talking to someone about it today.

However, work was fine because they are superficial relationships/chats... anything closer meant I put my guard up. I'm still learning. I've got a long way to go in this regard.

Do you take meds for ADHD? I actually love being around people with ADHD. I find they have got this energy and uniqueness about them lol. I'm not trying to categorise everyone and say they are the same. But I do appreciate their company 🙂

Nah I’ve never been diagnosed as adhd @tyme but I do fit a few of the symptom’s especially the hyperactivity when I’m in a good place. I do fit into a few categories though.

I have a massive wall around me that I just can’t let anyone through. If I do let anyone through I then get attached to them and they push me away because I’m too much. It’s why I spend all my days off at home or on my own.

The same attachment issues as me @Captain24 - if people get close, I become a leech. I end up sucking the life out of them.

However, now, I think know enough about BPD to curb that behaviour and set healthy boundaries.

It's taken time though, and a lot of grit.

Thank you for sharing with me @tyme .

I’m about to go to bed
Have a good night

Speak soon @Captain24 ,

I hopefully will go to bed soon too!

Please take care.

I look forward to seeing a pic of your next diamond painting!

tyme