I can’t cope

He has high grade prostate cancer, a mass next to his bowel and it has spread to his lymph nodes in the prostate region. @hanami

He is on hormone injections for 18 months - 2 years. They put him into menopause. Today was about mapping where the radiation is to go, sorting accommodation and what to expect. Plus all the baselines to commence and continually check during treatment and what he needs to do now and during the treatment.

He start’s radiation in 4 weeks. It’s five days a week for 4 weeks.

A nap sounds like a nice idea @Captain24 I'm glad Angel is doing a little better.

I'm sure your mum is relishing the time she has with her.

Have just cooked tea so at least that is another thing done.

I don't like going to the supermarket, but with two teenagers it feels like I am there all the time! I try and go early so I don't bump into anyone.

Hi @hanami I hope your day is going well.

I go early too @Snowie. For the same reason but I also find that in the mornings I’m a little better and have a little more motivation which helps.

Another win for the day! I think you do really well. You manage to keep your family fed and looked after. I admire you. I don’t know that I could do it.

It's a lot isn't it @Captain24 . I hope it all goes ok. Such an added worry for you x

Thanks @Captain24 I guess it needs to be done. Sometimes those mundane things keep me occupied which is a good thing.

I find I have more motivation in the morning too. By the time the afternoon comes I'm ready for bed!

Are you working tomorrow night?

It is a worry @hanami But me taking him over today has helped me. They all seem really positive with the outcome. Plus they are all really nice and very supportive. I also msgd mum constantly so I didn’t forget to tell her anything. Her dog is really sick and I didn’t want to look after her! I didn’t want her dying on my watch.

Im really lucky though. My entire team know about what is going on with him and they ask me every appointment how I am feeling about it. So it helps me to process it at every step. I think I’m managing it ok. It just another thing to add to what’s going on.

My CM said yesterday that she thinks I have mixed bipolar and that’s why they can’t control it yet. It’s harder to find the right medication. It also explains the prolonged severe depression but the minor moments of a good mood and an elevated mood. Also that’s why I’ve made the attempts because it’s so exhausting and I’m looking for a way out. She said that it pretty common with this type of bipolar

It does need to be done @Snowie but I can’t imagine how hard it is. That’s why you inspire me.

I go back to work on Friday. So I will have 2 days off to myself. I need to clean my house. It’s disgusting! I need to mow the lawns and bath the dog. That’ll be it though. I feel I need to try and take it easy and try and be gentle with myself. I’m hoping that that will help with keeping me safe. It’s really selfish and I feel guilty but I feel I really need to put myself first for the next few days.

Well that sounds pretty positive @Captain24 . I mean not great that it's harder to find meds for your type of bipolar but slowly getting there. It's been a long tough slog, but you'll get there.

Thanks @Captain24

You have to realise that you inspire me too hon. You get up everyday, work and support your family even when you are struggling yourself.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. I think we all need to do that, probably more than we do. It is so easy to dismiss our own mental and physical health and care/support others, but when we need it for ourselves, we struggle to do so.

I hope for the next few days that you can concentrate on you.

I’m hoping so @hanami. I can’t and won’t live like this forever.

Thanks @Snowie. I feel like it’s just what I have to do with my parents. As for work. I’m on my own so I need to pay off my mortgage, unless I can find some luck somewhere! 😂

I rarely put myself or focus on me. I think it’s part of my undoing, I can’t say no, but also focusing on others puts dealing with myself to the side. Which feels like a good thing but I know it’s actually not.

Im hoping that by getting up in the mornings and completing some of what I need to do, I can feel like I have achieved something. At the moment I haven’t achieved anything.

What do you have planned for this evening?