I can’t cope

That has been a really hard couple of hrs. My dietitian and CM didn’t pull any punches. My dietitian has said I have to eat 3 meals a day and it’s not negotiable. My psychologist said I need to take it slowly. I don’t want to do any of it. Im so torn between what I want and what they want. But I don’t want to let anyone down either. Once again my life isn’t mine. It’s about everyone else.

There has been no focus on my MH. It’s been neglected in all this. Can’t they see that this is a control to hide what is going on deep down. Im taking comfort in being hungry rather than face everything else.

It has all left me feeling pretty lousy.

@Captain24 aww it sounds so rough for you right now. I can really hear how conflicted you feel. It's good that you can recognise that it is related to a sense of control. I'm sorry that you are feeling like your mental health is being neglected. Perhaps you could express this to your treating team, and highlight that you think that a shift in focus could be really helpful.

I see my psychologist again in 2 weeks and she is going to try and get into the depths of my MH as she feels it’s been a little neglected too. @Jynx

I see my current CM for the last time next Thursday. So it’s 10 days before I get anymore support. My dietitian is going to stick her head in during that appt. Plus she wants to pop in when I see my old CM after that. She is really concerned. I do get it and she is absolutely fabulous. I think I’ll feel more comfortable with my old CM and she will work with me differently and my dietitian knows I’m more comfortable with my old one. My old CM will try and get to the bottom of it rather than just focusing on the surface.

I didn’t tell them what I have been taking but they didn’t ask either.

Im feeling really exhausted, conflicted, confused and really badly down. I have thoughts plaguing my mind. It feels like that option would be better for everyone

@Captain24 I'm glad that you've got folks in your support team who can recognise what you need and ensure you're able to get the right support. How are you feeling about that 10 day gap? Perhaps you could work on a plan to put into place for support if things get heavy.

I am sorry things are so overwhelming for you at the moment. Have you called anyone today or think it might be a good idea to do so if you're having urges?

Im not ok with the long wait at all @Jynx. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.

Im not ok with calling. I have done something that I shouldn’t have though.

How have you been?

@Captain24 Aww hun, I will flick you a lil email in a tick, just to check in with you.

I've been alright, business as usual pretty much. Which is to say, procrastinating on all the adulty things I should be doing hahaha.

Im heading off to bed. Goodnight everyone

Nighty night @Captain24 🤗💜

Good morning @Captain24

Hoping you got some sleep and today looks a little brighter.

Sending lots of love 💗💗💗

Hi @Snowie

I did get some sleep last night. I think someone was called on me after what I started to do. As I got into bed I heard someone knocking on my door but I didn’t answer it. They went away.

I have managed to do some stuff this morning. I’ve done a fair bit of cleaning, 3 loads of washing and all the ironing that has been sitting there for 2 weeks. I just have to iron what comes off the line.

I still have more cleaning but I am running out of energy and motivation. I had to be done though as I go back to work tomorrow.

I have already failed what my dietitian said is not negotiable. I feel like I can’t control it. It’s just not going to happen.

Im still struggling a lot. I just feel like I can’t keep doing this. Maybe I should just give in instead of fighting it. Im tired of fighting every night.

Sorry about the long post.

How are you going?