I can’t cope

I’m not surprised @Captain24 i frequently experience nausea, as well as bloating and stomach discomfort after eating, sometimes worse than other days.
A lot of people believe that our stomach shrinks when we don’t eat much for a period of time and this is why when we start eating better, we feel so miserable. That’s not actually true. Our stomach doesn’t shrink, it just stops worker properly. It slows down. My dietitian explained this to me and there are medications that can help with the symptom of this.

hopefully it’s something you can give a go. Just to regulate your intake a little.

Your insights are really helpful @Bow and I really do appreciate it. I am taking it all on board. Part of me wants to turn this around but the other part wants to get to my goal before turning it around. It’s a battle that I feel like I’m losing.

My urges are really out of control.

After my appt today and knowing that she will be talking to my CM, I’m now scared of tomorrow’s appt.

What have I done to myself?

How badly have I f’ed up?

What reason do I have to not give up?

Hey hey hey there @Captain24 ,

Go gentle on yourself.

It's okay. You are okay. Let tomorrow unfold for itself. You worrying and ruminating won't change a single thing for tomorrow.

For now, what can you do to help you feel better in the now?

My head is like that too @Captain24 …. Just let me get to my goal weight and then I’ll jump into recovery. Then everything will be ok, I’ll eat and drink and I’ll be well again. But I can tell you now… that goal. It will forever move. Once you get to it, your ED will set you a new goal.

let me share an example. I use the treadmill. I try to cut back how much time

im on it. I will set myself a goal of say 1hr. So I get on. I’ll put a Netflix show on and start walking. But when the hour is up, I’ll see that it says I’m at 7.5kms. So I decide to keep going to 8kms. Then at 8kms there will be 15mins left of the show I am watching. So again I keep going. Then it’s 1hr 20mins, so I’ll get to 1.5hrs…. And it just keeps going and going.

EDs are compulsive. They are goal driven. They are focused. They have an OCD component.
They will never be happy. They will keep pushing you.

I’m beating myself up so badly right now @tyme.

I guess I have to wait and see how it goes tomorrow. She may surprise me. It doesn’t stop the anxiety though.

I don’t know what to do, my mind just keeps going to one thing only. I hate it. I hate that I’m constantly fighting a never ending battle. I hate that I’m such a problem to everyone, including on here. I hate that my safety is always compromised. I just hate everything about me, what I’m doing, what I’ve done. I’m not a very good person or a good patient.

I’ve just got nothing.

Im so sorry. This is not what you wanted. I’ve let my entire team down and you too.

I’m listening @Bow. You are scaring me. I know that’s a good thing. I appreciate you helping me and showing me where I can end up. I really appreciate your support even though it’s probably difficult for you. It scares me what I have done and it scares me as to where I’ll end up.

I know I need to gain some sort of control. The hard thing is that while ever the scales are going down, I don’t want to change at the same time. My head is saying well done but my mind is ‘this needs to stop’.

No, you haven't let us down. It's not a place we haven't been before. They are not feelings I haven't had before.

When I look back, I've had some very dark moments. I don't regret them, but they have allowed me to contrast how much better things are now @Captain24 .

See these moments as opportunities for growth and learning. It doesn't mean you won't fall or stumble, but you will have people to pick you up.

Let whatever unfolds tomorrow, unfold. Allow yourself to be taken through this.

I have to have trust in the system @tyme. I need to trust in my team. I don’t know that I have the trust in myself.

I don’t wish for anybody to be in this place and I hate that you have been here before too. I don’t believe anyone else deserves it.

I am so so so sorry. I don’t know that I will ever get out of this. My CM is right I just keep self sabotaging. It’s all my own fault. I deserve it. I don’t deserve support.

Hugs @Captain24 . You CAN do it.

We are here for you. I'm knocking off now, but we will catch up shortly. 🙂