I just got off the phone to the EAP. @tyme. She was fantastic. You can tell she is a psychologist. I was completely open with her and told her everything. Everything I’m thinking. Everything I want to do and what I did a couple of weeks ago when I made the attempt. She listened with no judgement.
She asked how I think mum will be when I spend a lot of time with her over the next 2 days. I said with everyone around she may show off and make snide remarks my way. One I said I thought she would say was how much weight I have put on. The psych asked what I could say to myself in response. I said that I could say to myself that while I know I have a long way to go I am working on it. Apparently that was the wrong answer! Lol. I have to say to myself ‘that it doesn’t matter what I look like what matters is that I’m a kind person’
We talked about how I know I need an admission. I have to discuss it next week in my appts and try and slot it in around dad.
We also discussed how suicide is final and it doesn’t give me a chance to get through this and have a better life. She understood how I know that this episode will end and things will be better but at the same time I just want to end it to be out of my current pain.
I told her that I would like to do my cert IV in mental health and give back one day. If I’m not here I can’t do it. She said that wanting to help others shows that I have a good heart. It was hard to hear and it’s even harder to accept. But I know that’s my head rejecting it.
Thanks for acknowledging that I am trying. It’s nice to know that it is seen.
Yeah I feel like I’m so painful. I feel like I’m just annoying everyone with what’s going on. But if I keep it bottled up it’s not going to end well. I don’t want to burden everyone but I just need to get it out.
I think it would be the circuit breaker I need. I’ve been at crisis level for so long. It’s so hard to be in this space. I am starting to go into dangerous territory. But I do keeping fighting.
