I can’t cope

Sorry for swearing @Captain24 but FFS that's disgusting. How can they laugh at that. I know sometimes people laugh when they don't deal well with tough topics but honestly, this is reality for some people (like yourself lately). I'm mad on your behalf and can't blame you if you walked out. Try to block them out and hope it's over soon.

I hope the day goes ok @Captain24

Sorry to hear about the conversation happening. Some people are oblivious to other around them.

Thanks @Snowie @hanami.

They settled down a bit once the talk started but they still joked about MH. The session went ok. I didn’t need to leave and I put my name down to be a peer support person for the crew.

I had a chat to the instructor at the end and he was fantastic. He also has bipolar 2 so he understood my current situation which was great. He just rang me and is a little concerned and is organising for the EAP to give me a call.

I’ve come home feeling really exhausted and mentally drained. I’m not in a very good place. I have a lot of urges but I’m trying to focus on what I need to get done.

Hey @Captain24 ,

That sounds positive that you were able to put your name down as a peer support person for the crew - isn't it?

I'm sorry you are not feeling the best right now.

I'm here to chat if you need a chat.

I think it was a good thing. @tyme.

At least I can understand a little of the struggles someone might be going through. The company that was doing the talk will provide some training. Not sure when they are going to get the ball rolling though.

I have a phone appt with the senior clinical psychologist from the EAP at 7pm tonight. It’s really good because I just seem to get even worse by then. That’s when the urges are the strongest. So it’ll be a good distraction.

The guys today talked about thoughts being just that, thoughts. Which I obviously already know, however they can be quite consuming. But the way they delivered it and all the other things, they get it.

The thoughts that are currently rolling around in my head aren’t good. I am trying to push them away though. I just keep failing with it right now. It’s really hard. It feels like everything is just to hard right now. That in itself makes me feel even more useless and worthless.

That sounds so tough @Captain24 . I sort of reminds me of my own chronic SI. They just seem to always be there. I used to get so worked up about having them. Now? Meh, they are there but life goes on.

I think it may be what we do with these thoughts - do we dwell on them and believe them or just let them come and go as they want? I think this is what I had to come to. That I had the choice whether to give the thoughts a cuppa tea and keep them in my head, or show them the door in stead.

I also think that by me involving myself in lived experience work, it helped me clarify things and when I showed people hope, it also gave them hope.

Maybe this is your healing too?

I didn't wait to be 'healed' before doing peer support work - I started as a volunteer.

It’s really hard @tyme. I know what I’m suppose to do with the thoughts. Let them run through. Give them 5 minutes of my time and say that’s it instead of constantly fighting them. They leave me so exhausted which in turn leaves me with no energy or motivation. When I’m exhausted and have no energy they are stronger. It’s a vicious circle that I need to break. I need to find some strength to break it. I am trying, please don’t think I’m not. I’m using my supports to help me too. Plus I’ve just got myself some extra support with the EAP. Oh and did you read that I’m getting my old CM back!!! That is good news and she is a fantastic support!

Im hoping that the peer support work will help me as well. They need PSW at the hospital but I’m no where near ready for that but it is a goal. Which I guess is a good thing for me to work towards.

I’d like to use my experience to help others and allow them to see that it is ok to be struggling. Even this conversation is making me feel like this suicidal space can help others one day.

I just have to get myself out of it safely. I know ending it is not the right thing to do but I feel like it’s the only thing. [edited by moderator] The temptation is so hard to fight against.

Wow! That's impressive news @Captain24 .

I'm so glad to hear that you are getting these supports. I'd be interested to hear how the EAP appointment goes. It might be very work-related. But definitely worth another added layer of support.

How great is it to hear that you put your hand up for peer support work. You've put a huge smile on my face because I can see you totally doing it. Your experiences have set you aside for it. No doubt will you reap the benefits of peer work. It's truly amazing!

As for your urges and thoughts, I'm sorry you are still having these thoughts. For me, i sat with these urges and thoughts for so long that eventually, the temptation was taken out of my hands. To this day, I still have limited control in this area. I kicked at first when the 'system' took it away, but now i'm thankful because I wouldn't be here otherwise.

I hope I’m good enough @tyme. I haven’t really shown it here. I hope I can be supportive.

I’ll let you know how the EAP goes. Right now I need to take all the support offered to me.

I feel like if the control was taken out of my hands it would be easier. But I don’t want to be anymore difficult than I already am.

Im giving my supports grief, I’m giving you guys grief. I’ve just become a real problem to all of you and myself. I don’t mean to be. I am scared that everyone will give up on me. Then that will be the end.

I’ve made a mess of everything. Im suicidal and that’s all I can think about. My mood is at an all time low. I know I need an admission but with everything going on with dad I just can’t, I need to be here which is double Dutch to not wanting to be here at all. My dietary habits are getting worse and I can’t change it. My head is ruling it. I see my dietitian next Thursday so I’m hoping that’s a good thing. I am scared though because I know I have let her down and disappointed her.

I hear how hard it is @Captain24 . I also know how hard you have been trying.

Sometimes, it is easier if the decision be taken out of your hands.

I hear that you feel you are a bother, but you are certainly not. You have so much waiting for you.

When you look at an admission, see it as a circuit breaker. See it as a place you can just STOP. I think this was the greatest learning for me when I had my admissions. I couldn't have anything with me. I was made to STOP and slow down. Otherwise, my life was buzzing all the time.

A planned admission may be more helpful than an enforced admission. Work with your CM and see what she says.

TW: Suicide

Do what's right for you. You are NOT a burden.