I can’t cope

I wish I had my phone at work @Jynx. But there is no service out there anyway. It looks like it’s going to rain so that’s going to make it so much harder. Those trucks slide so easily. If I'm distracted things can go pear shaped quickly.

I never even thought about breathing last night, I was to consumed in my thoughts. I will try and concentrate on it tonight. Hopefully it will stop the really bad urges.

Im not sure if @tyme @is still around but I did respond to her email.

@Captain24 It's amazing how much it can help hey - maybe write yourself a little note? I have a sticky note with "3 Deep Breaths" written on it, it's stuck to the side of my laptop haha. My therapist suggested it, it's amazing how easy it is to forget, so having a visual reminder does wonders for me.

I will try @Jynx. Especially every time I stuff up instead of dwelling on it. Like last night. I just keep focusing on what I did wrong and my thoughts. I never even gave myself a chance when I got things right.

Please don’t give up on me like I have.

It can be so much easier to be hard on ourselves than kind to ourselves hey @Captain24. I'm so proud of you for wanting to try, to put in the effort to focus on the little wins, the successes, that's awesome 😊

I tried to be kind and celebrate the good things I did last night @Jynx but I couldn’t. There was more stuff ups than doing well. I did try breathing when I messed up and said to myself try again. But I couldn’t shake the shame of not getting it right.

I have hurt my back. It’s not as bad as before though. But part of me wishes it was. At least with severe pain I have a reason for feeling the way I do.

Im going to bed after a long 12.5 hrs. Hoping to get a good sleep and some relief from my thoughts. I have to do it all again tonight. It’s so sad as I normally love my job.

I’m sorry your shift was so difficult @Captain24 hope you are now sleeping well and wake feeling a little more refreshed. How many more shifts do you have in this cycle?

Thanks @Bow.

I slept ok but I have woken up pretty tired. It’s often like that on the third nightshift though. Tonight is my last one.

I thought I might go for a walk and see if that freshened me up a little bit it’s raining.

I’ll just have a long hot shower instead. I have a headache and back ache so I’ll take some OTC pain meds and see if that lessens it.

Im hoping tonight is better and goes quickly. If it’s been raining out there it will take a lot of concentration to keep the truck straight so I will get pretty tired but I will have to maintain focus. So that maybe a good thing.

Thanks for thinking of me when you are battling so hard yourself.

One thing about waking up early is I’ve cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

I tried really hard to concentrate on it to get the thoughts and urges out of my head but it didn’t work.

I feel sick at the thought of going to work but I’m too scared not to. I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack. I don’t know why?

I’m sorry @Captain24 😞