I can’t cope

Hey @Captain24 ,

How are things today?

I still feel really exhausted and weak plus my head is still pounding and my body is aching. I have no concentration span. @tyme.

My mental state is really bad. I have thoughts and urges that aren’t good.

I have really failed at my eating plan that my CM worked out. I just can’t do it.

Dad got his results today @Snowie @Bow @outlander.

His cancer has spread to his lymph nodes but it’s minuscule. It’s still all contained in the prostate area. There is no chance of surgery. He has to have hormone injections for 2 years and he has to have radiation really soon. He will then need more scans and possibly more radiation. We are just waiting on the radiation professor to get in contact.

There is always tomorrow @Captain24 a fresh start. A new opportunity to try again. Try again at your meal plan. I know it’s real hard, but ya gotta try hon. Before you end up in hospital really sick- and that ain’t nice, trust me.
A lot of my electrolytes were out of whack when I went into hospital over the weekend and I needed to have IV replacement and I’m having at least one semi decent meal a day.
They can and will put you in hospital against your will. Not to scare you but it does happen.

im really sorry about your dads results too @Captain24 but good that the spread is minimal? And hopefully radiotherapy will be helpful.

please look after yourself

Also @Captain24 i use the app ‘recovery record’. My dietitian connects with me through it and my old psychologist use to as well.
I basically log my meals, how I am feeling, any ED behaviours I engaged in (removed my moderators), whether I skipped a meal, why and at the end of each meal log is a section to log any thoughts.

I find it a really helpful way for my team to know where I am at. My dietitian goes through it before my appointments and it gives us things to talk through if needed.

just thought I would mention it to you. It’s not for everyone though. Sometimes logging every meal can be unhelpful and triggering. It can be obsessive and a negative focus. So make that decision for yourself 🙂

Hearing you @Captain24 .

I'm sorry it cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. I hope things get better for him.

At the same time, I'm hearing how hard it is for you right now. When is your next appointment with your CM?

Thanks @outlander. The hormone treatment apparently stops the cancer growing and the radiation is supposed to remove it. We are just keeping our fingers crossed.

My CM has mentioned admission in the last 2 appts. So I really have to try. I did have a really small salad for lunch. I have 3 night shifts starting tomorrow night so that’s what I’ll pack as well. So it is something plus I have been drinking some electrolytes. I’ll talk to my dietitian when I see her. She is back on Monday and said she would try and fit me in earlier but I just have to wait and see.

I see my CM in the morning @tyme. I am scared though as I have let her down. I guess I just have to wait and see how it goes. I hope it’s not to rough though as I have to sleep tomorrow afternoon for work tomorrow night.

How are you going?

Sometimes, it's okay to ask for help @Captain24 . What is it about an admission you are afraid of?

There are people who seek comfort in an admission rather than go for therapeutic reasons. However, that's not you.

There are things happening in your environment beyond your control. I hear you are trying.

Yet at the same time, sometimes it's okay to go with it.

I'm here if you have any questions about admissions etc.

I know you are trying. You can only do what you can.

I was considering admission before all this happened with dad @tyme. I can’t really put anymore pressure on my parents right now but at the same time I know it’s an excuse. But they really don’t need anything else to go wrong.

Admission for me means admitting I’m really failing. It’s the fear of the unknown. I have an extreme fear of hospital. I’m worried people would find out. I’m worried about my job. My social phobia and self confidence is also a hindrance. I’m scared I’d completely shut down. I’m anxious about group therapy, what if I look and sound stupid..