I can’t cope

Done, @Captain24. If you'd like to add spoiler tags yourself, whilst you're writing your post you can click the three dots at the right hand end of the formatting toolbar to expand it. Then, select the text you wish to hide in the spoiler tags, and then click the symbol of a triangle with an exclamation point in it.

I'm really sorry to hear that this is starting to get so hectic for you. Sounds like you're quite scared. Have you spoken to the folks over at the Butterfly Foundation at all?

We're here to walk beside you while you navigate this 🤞💜

I rang them 2 weeks ago. @Jynx but they just said to see my GP. The thing is though is that it’s scaring me but at the same time I can’t stop also I’m not sure I want to. It gives me control over the weight gain from my meds.

@Captain24 mm feels a little less than helpful - though seeing your gp isn't a bad idea. Could always call em again, get someone different who might provide more in-depth support.

I think control is a pretty big theme for many folks with EDs. Can be hard to give that up. Are there other things in your life you could take control of, help provide a similar feeling for you? And maybe talking to your gp about finding a different medication could also help.

Another idea - shifting focus from a 'weight-loss' motivation towards a more health-focused motivation. Still seeking to lose some weight, but approaching it in a way that is also focused on ensuring your body is healthy too. It might be frustrating if the process goes a bit slower, but you'd also have more energy, mental focus, and overall feelings of wellness. If you ask your gp for a referral to a dietician they could totally help with that jouney. Food for thought.

Sending lots of hugs with lots of light.

I have been there and I know how dark it can be..

I hope today goes a little better 💛 @Captain24

fluffylight x

@Captain24 💕💕

Hiya @Jynx

Sorry I went to bed early.

I see my GP in 3 weeks and my dietitian in the same day and my psychologist next week. What my head tells me is that I need to get as much off as possible before I see them. I know it’s stupid.

I have convinced myself that it is healthy and now that the numbers are going down, my head tells me it’s right.

I know I’m not making any sense. I’m confused myself.

But I do have a proud achievement for today!

We have a prestart meeting before each shift at work and they are divided into 2 groups. It basically tells us what’s going on in the pit and any new hazards.

At the end the bosses ask if there is anything else. Last week one girl piped up and apparently roasted me with out naming me. (I was in the other prestart) The boss asked her to name and shame but she said she isn’t here she is in the other room.

As I was the only other female on that run the day before the crew knew who she was talking about. They can and told me what was said and how bad it was. I’ve had a few tell me and all have the same story.

Roll onto today. It was the first time I have seen her. I walked up to her and said ‘I don’t appreciate you roasting me in a prestart with everyone listening. I would rather you confront me about it!’

She didn’t handle the confrontation well but I didn’t let her rattle me! I just jumped back into my truck and just drove off!

I never stand up for myself. I’m always pushed around and let it happen.

IM SO PROUD!

Oh nice one @Captain24!! I'm proud of you too!! What an awful display from that person, honestly. And now she knows that she can't just be super mean and not have any consequences! Also kudos for driving away too - could easily have gotten very argumentative. She sounds like she's got a whole bundle of insecurities she's projecting, and so by walking away, you were assertive but didn't stoop to her level. Amazing.

Also, your thoughts around the other stuff aren't stupid, or confusing. Well, they might feel that way to you for sure, which really sucks. But to me it speaks of the internal conflict that is going on - between the part of you that knows it is unhealthy and the part of you that just wants the change to happen now. It could be good to bring these thoughts and conflicting emotions up with your psych, help you explore them a little more deeply.

The other good thing is I discovered how many on my crew care about me. @Jynx. They made it hard for her on the day it happen. Every time she backed under the shovel the operator told her to re-spot. Just because she talked about their Captain! It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. After 5 1/2 years they have even given me a nickname which I got embroidered on my high vis.

I will have a chat to my psych about it. Hopefully she can help me understand better. I have mentioned it to my CM but she just says I have starvation brain and that I could do with losing a bit but not this way. That made me feel even fatter than I am.

Aww @Captain24 that is so wholesome!! It warms me to know that they're such a supportive bunch - gotta be good to our captain or you'll face the wrath of the whole crew!!

Good grief, some folks really don't know what to say to be supportive when it comes to stuff around weightloss. Such an ingrained cultural perspective nowadays, thanks to unreasonable beauty standards. Well I guess now you know your CM isn't the right person to talk to about this stuff. Hopefully your psych is more supportive in the ways that will actually benefit you.