I can’t cope

Hugs @Captain24 .

We are here for you.. always.

Hi @outlander @tyme

Im not sure if either of you will get this.

I saw my CM this morning. We talked about a lot before I told her what I was planning. I told her that I’m comfortable with ending it. I also told her I ordered extra meds. She is also really concerned.

I have to email her everyday to check in

I didn’t go to the pharmacy to pick them up.

Im so sorry that I’m in a bad place.

Hi @Captain24 ,

I hear it must have been hard to open up to your CM.

In a way, I am really proud that you did. I was and am genuinely very concerned.

You deserve so much more. There is so much in you.

We are here for you.

You are probably at work now, but I woke up thinking about you and was thinking about you all day today.

Hi @tyme

Ive just woken up and leave for work at 5:30. I really don’t want to go. Im not sure it’s a good idea but at least I’m safer there than at home.

I nearly didn’t say anything but I knew you would have been disappointed in me. Because I have so much going on with dad and they need me, she didn’t admit me.

I told her I’m feeling at ease about ending my life. I kept staring and stopping when I was trying to tell her. She just left an open space for me to get it out.

When ending it is the only thing on my mind I need to wrap myself up in a blanket, go to bed with a hot chocolate and some chocolate and read. Just cocoon myself. I told her I would try.

The thoughts are still really strong and I still want to do it. I do need to pick my scripts up next week as I actually will need them for their intended use. Im hoping things have calmed down a little by then.

Thank you so much for thinking of me. Im am so sorry that I’m causing you that much concern. I am concerned.

I really appreciate you. This time yesterday I didn’t think I’d be here now.

Thank you.

I lived years never thinking I'd see another day @Captain24 . I still can't believe I'm here today to tell the story.

I think I also pushed myself to do things I didn't want to do - for a long time. Each day was so painful. Like dragging lead tied around my ankles.

We care about you, we really do.

I honestly don’t know how you did it @tyme

Ive had times during my life where I have felt like this but they have never lasted this long.

I have to push myself to go to work. It’s a dangerous place to be working too. I keep hoping a high wall will fall on me or another truck didn’t give way to me when they should. I also hope I run off the road going to and from work.

Thats a lot to be thinking of and hoping for. Just writing it shows me how not ok I am.

I really wish I wasn’t here but I am and I have to try and hold on as tight as I can for as long as I can. My hands are slipping though.

@Captain24im really glad that you reached out for help and your CM is also aware of how bad that it is for you right now. im also glad to hear there is safeguards in place. like @tyme i was and am very concerned for you

i also know how it feels to struggle through each day. i have had a rather rocky and tough past with my own mental health, never knowing what each day will bring or not wanting to stick around to see another day. i cant say it gets easier but i can say that with time we learn to cope abit better and find ways to add meaning to life in amongst the rubble

I don't know how it happened either @Captain24 . It just 'happened' and I think it happened when I didn't expect it.

I'm just a regular human. There was nothing special about me. I see more hope in you than what was in me, and that's why I see a way ahead for you.

You have so much in you that people (and Pix) value.

It is hard now, and I recognise that. I am not trying to downplay your emotional pain at all.

We are here for you.

Hey @Captain24 , how was work? Hope you are okay.