I can’t cope

I had a good sleep @Shaz51 @Snowie.

It’s the only time I get any relief otherwise I’m just a broken shattered mess.

I hope this afternoon is being kind to you both.

@Captain24 glad you got some sleep.

Please be kind to yourself. You achieved so much today already.

Also glad @Captain24 - can be so hard to prioritise rest sometimes. Hope you're able to keep it chill this evening 💜

I’m trying to not focus on myself but nothing works as a distraction. I have an appointment with my CM tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. I haven’t improved at all in the last week. She is going to be so disappointed. I feel like I’m letting her down. But I can’t get over myself. I can’t just move on.

@Captain24 I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time right now. I truly feel like your CM would want to be supportive though. Often if we feel like someone is going to feel a certain way about us, it's actually a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. So... sounds like you might be feeling disappointed in yourself?

It's a really rough spot to be. Might be a moment to try to remind yourself that healing is never linear - the bad days and the times we spend feeling stuck are inevitable. But nothing lasts forever, and you won't feel like this forever. And your CM might just end up being super supportive and just what you need.

That being said, if you need to just focus inward and not commit energy to appts and talking, then that is also very legit.

This is the lowest I have felt since just before I decided I needed to seek help @Jynx.

I’ve been like it for about 3 weeks and I just keep falling further down. Just when I think I have hit rock bottom I find a new rock bottom.

I am at the point where I have lost all hope of ever being better. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of life. I am full of hopelessness and worthlessness.

I am disappointed in myself that I can’t pull myself out. I just feel like a failure. I’ve let my treating team down. I also see the psychiatrist on Thursday and I’m dreading that too. Last time I saw her I was nearly ok and with the med change I thought we had got it. But obviously not. I’ve let her down and I’m ashamed to see her.

@Captain24 mm I can imagine it's really scary to be finding yourself at lower and lower points, wondering how deep the rabbit hole will go.

Sometimes it can be so so hard to see any way back out, and when we've been down in the dark for a long time it becomes harder to imagine what the light might feel like. So we sometimes stop striving for it, because we aren't even sure it exists anymore.

So it might feel like you're letting folks down, but it is okay to be where you're at. It's okay to not see the path forward, and it's okay to struggling - at no point does any of that mean that you are no longer worthy and deserving of support. In fact quite the opposite.

The med change in itself could be part of this too, and so it's definitely something worth bringing up in your appts. And if you're feeling up to it, I'd encourage you to share this sense of shame you're feeling, so you can hear the truth of how they feel about the situation.

One step at a time my friend, and we will be beside you for every one.

Sad to read that you’re struggling so much still @Captain24 and that you’re so down on yourself about it. Please be honest with your supports about where you’re at, write stuff down if that will help. When I’ve been in a really bad place I’ve found it so helpful to be able to just pass them a note. Write down what you need from them too.

Is there any way you can work out a hospital admission? It maybe a really good circuit breaker for you. I know having pixie cared for is a big barrier, but do you have pet sitters in your area? A community notice board on Facebook is always a good place to search. And then can you tell your folks you going out a town to visit a friend? I know that they like to know everything, but you really need to think about what is best for you, your recovery and moving forward. 💕 remember you are important and worth it.

I’ve just sent an email to my CM explaining how I feel before I see her in the morning. @Bow @Jynx. That way if I can’t say it she already has it.

I’ve booked time away with Pix for a couple of days. I’m hoping that that may be a circuit breaker. I will be there in 2 weeks.

Im scared of being admitted but I think I’m close to not having a choice. It’s hard here though. It’s 4 hrs away.

Thanks for your support even though I don’t deserve it. Maybe I just haven’t been working hard enough. Maybe it’s my fault I’m like this.

You are very deserving of support and care @Captain24 and none of this is your fault! Mental health stuff is shitty and it sucks and it makes us believe all these terrible things about ourselves.

I can understand 4hrs away making things more difficult. That’s a fair distance! But it’s always worth agreeing to go in over you having no choice and people making decisions for you. It would also allow you to organise things for Pixie. I was offered the opportunity to agreeing to go in on Saturday or they were going to make the decision for me. They said that to me. It’s always nicer being voluntary.

think about it @Captain24 x