I can’t cope

Hey @Nala2022

Good to see you this time of night.

My appointment was horrible. It took so

much out of me. But at least I got it out and all the tears too. I did feel a little better by the end. I’m glad she allowed overtime as it wasn’t the right time to finish. It would have left me really distressed.

She is taking it seriously and in an understanding way. When my GP gets the email and calls me in he will say things that don’t feel possible. It’s not possible for me to do volunteer work. I can’t get to

my paying job. He goes to far into the future and I feel pressured. My psych didn’t give me anything to do other than check to see if my home loan will give me a 2 month break if I go to hospital. I’m well ahead in payments. Plus she insisted that I reach out to crisis services.

I feel like I have failed and let everyone down but as my psych said we knew the window wouldn’t last but next time it’ll last a bit longer. At this stage I’m wondering if I’ll even find it again. Or when.

I am shocking with pressure. I do it to myself all the time. The worse I feel the more pressure I put on myself. When I found the window I had no pressure.

I called in sick for work yesterday but I went today. I did ok but there was a lot of masking and it took a lot to mask what I’m feeling. I’m exhausted, down and just want to disappear. I have 3 nights to go.

Im feeling kinda shut down and numb I guess. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m trying to get off the lounge and get some dinner but I just can’t be bothered and I’m not hungry at all.

How are you going?

@Captain24 It’s lovely to see you here too lovely

I’m sorry it’s been such an emotionally exhausting time. I’m glad you were able to get everything out during your appointment and that your psych is taking things seriously. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and I can understand why the thought of more expectations and pressure feels overwhelming when you’re already struggling so much

I really hope you can give yourself permission to take things one step at a time, without feeling you need to have everything figured out or find that window again straight away. You haven’t failed, and you don’t have to push yourself to keep going as though everything is okay. You deserve some gentleness too

Thank you for asking how I’m doing, I’m doing well, a little tired. I’m glad you felt able to share how things are feeling for you here. I hope you can have a quiet evening and be kind to yourself 💛

I’m guessing it’s late for you! Hence being tired. 😜 I’m glad you are well. @Nala2022

Im usually asleep by now but while I’m exhausted I’m not really sleepy. I did just take extra stuff so I’m hoping that helps me to sleep soon.

I am a little stressed at how hard it was to mask today and I have 3 nights of it. Then Monday I finish at 8 in the morning and I have to mow mum and dads lawn sometime that day. I’m going to have to mask there too. Being at home in my own and just staying in bed there has been no need to mask and it was easy.

My psych was shocked that I hadn’t been smoking. She did tell me that it’s ok if I give in especially with how things are going. We I was inpatient last one of the psychologists told me to start smoking as I had quit before I went in. She could tell I needed it. Everyone tells you to quit but not MH professionals! 😂

I hope you can get some sleep tonight when you are finished.

@Captain24 Haha that’s right. I’m usually reading my book by now and dosing off 😂

I wanted to gently check in, and say I hope the extra stuff you’ve taken is within the safe directions for your medication. Given how exhausted you are, please reach out for medical advice if you’re worried about what you’ve taken or how it’s affecting you

It sounds exhausting having to keep masking when you’re already running on empty, and I can understand why the thought of three more nights and then more expectations on Monday feels like a lot. I hope you can give yourself a little breathing room where possible and remember that you don’t have to do everything perfectly

It sounds like your psych understands that sometimes things are a little more complicated than simply being told to quit haha

Please be kind to yourself tonight. You’re carrying a lot, and you deserve some care and rest too 💛

It’s ok. I had this discussion with my psych @Nala2022. She knows what and how much. (I told her everything!) But while it’s above recommended doses it’s not by much and is still safe. I just try to relax a bit. Just take some of the tenseness out of my muscles. I’m having trouble turning my head because my neck is so tense.

I have tomorrow morning until 11 that I don’t have to mask. Then I’ll drop the dogs to mums and hopefully they won’t be home! But if they are it’ll only be 10 minutes that I have to cover. Afternoon nap and then work. It’s go to work, get home and go to bed, get up and go to work. Since it’s nightshift I need to get as much sleep as possible to get through the night. So while I’ll be sleeping all day there is really no rest and it’s sleep and then straight in the go. It feels busy.

It was funny. I did ask a guy at work for one today but he said no! Then he said he felt really bad but it was still a no! 😂 24 days!

It does feel like a lot and I’m not sure how much more I can take but I think it’s time for a shower and try going to sleep. The cpap machine helps with control breathing before I go to sleep so that helps a bit too.

I hope you have a good rest of the night and get to sleep soon.

Thank you!

@Captain24 Thank you for letting me know about the medication lovely. I’m glad you’ve been able to talk openly with your psych about what you’ve been taking and how much, and that she understands what’s been going on. I can hear how much you’re carrying at the moment, and it sounds like there’s very little room to properly rest when you’re juggling work and everything else. I hope tomorrow morning gives you a little breathing space before the next stretch of night shifts

And 24 days! That’s a real achievement, especially with everything you’ve been dealing with. The guy at work holding firm with his no is funny though! 😂

I hope your shower helps you unwind and that you’re able to get some decent rest tonight. Please take care of yourself, chat soon 💛

I slept ok. I didn’t wake up until Pixies alarm went off for breakfast. I got up and got their breakfast ready and then sat in the lounge. I forgot that I had to cook meals.

Pix wanted to play so I put the boiling water on and played with her for quite a while. She was puffing when we finished.

I know have the pasta bake in the oven cooking. I need dog food but can’t leave the house so I called mum to get it. I don’t k ow how I’m going to leave the house to drop the dogs off. Maybe if I consider it work?? I don’t know. I’m scared to see anyone. What if they can tell? What if they can see what I’m thinking? What if they can see what I want to do? What if they can see how close it is? What if I just can’t mask? I have to mask for the next 3 nights. That’s hard. I have to go from wanting to die to looking happy. That’s a huge difference and a really hard mask for 12.5 hours. It’s really exhausting. No wonder I don’t want to go to work. I need a release. I need something to get the pain out. I can see it vividly but it’s not the right time. I’m safe ish

Can I just hide away? Just escape? Me and my dogs?

Hey @MissGremlin

mhow are you

Hello @Captain24 sweet, i just got back from the shops and I have to put the shopping away. Routine got messed up today and I had a really rough night, I just want to go back to bed.

I'll read your post and reply as soon as I've put the stuff away.

Don’t read the post. It’s was for me. I didn’t tag you in it so you don’t have to worry. @MissGremlin

Im sorry your routine didn’t work out. I totally know how hard that is and it messes with the rest of your day.

Going to bed is fine. I’m about to sort my meds, clean the kitchen after cooking and drop the dogs off and go to sleep!