I can’t cope

I did have weetbix and all safe @MissGremlin. I need to find better distraction techniques. But in the moment I actually don’t want distraction. I’m finding it really tough as it’s wants not urges. I’m safe right now!

Ive also started to struggle with SI which I haven’t for a long time. That’s feeling a little tough right now. I’m safe at the moment.

I have anxiety around a couple of foods with reheating but mostly I’m good. But I have issues about food being cooked through.

@Captain24 I'm so glad that you had weetbix and I'm proud of you for doing so safely. I completely understand, for me it's not an urge but a craving which can make it hard to stop myself from doing anything in the moment (I'm safe).

Having the SI again is tough, but try to remember that they're just thoughts and we don't have to act on them. Also remind yourself that you've been on the other side of this where you haven't had those thoughts, you can get back to that place again.

I'm the same, I can't cook a whole chicken breast without having to cut it into pieces to make sure it's cooked properly. Even when I do roast beef I'll cut into it to make sure it's cooked thoroughly.

I get the crave. @MissGremlin Mine is just a want.

I know all the thoughts aren’t facts! There is another side and I know it’s there I’m just sinking in the pit not being able to find my way back. It’s hard to think that way. It’s just a thought but feels real.

I cut into the roast beef and chicken breasts too. When I do a roast cook I use a different cooker and I know the timing and can tell by how crispy the skin is but I do double check!

I’ve just had a bath and I looked over the edge and my 2 babies were curled up on the bath mat waiting for me. They have been beside me all day other than when I went to that meeting! You’d think they would have had enough of me! 😂

Ive climbed into bed and took all medication and hoping it’ll knock me out enough to sleep. I have to get up early as I haven’t washed my hair yet so I need to do that in the morning. She goes through my hair checking for spots in my scalp. Plus I haven’t shaved my legs or under my arms! I was going to do it today which would have been easier but I was just too lazy to do it. Considering I spent a lot of the day asleep.

I hope you get a good nights sleep. I’m guessing you’re in bed .

@Captain24 I get that those thoughts feel real, i often see myself doing the things in the thoughts which can make it so hard to separate thought from reality (I'm safe). You'll find your way back sweet, unfortunately with bipolar there's always going to be those ups and downs, we just have to learn how to manage them which is trial and error alot.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that checks my meats, sometimes I feel like a crazy person 😂.

A bath sounds perfect. Awww they can never get enough of you being around, they have unconditional love!

I'm glad you're in bed and I really hope you can get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm hoping that tomorrow feels easier for you so that you can get up earlier and get the things done that you need to. I'll be thinking of you when you have your appointment.

I'm in bed and doing my diamond art.

Night night sweetheart, sending lots of love and hugs. I'm proud of you for making it through today despite how hard it's been ❤️.

Morning @Captain24 sweet, how are you feeling today? ❤️

Really tired and I feel kind of hungover. I’ve showered, fed the dog and dried my hair. I’m in the car about to leave. @MissGremlin I really don’t want to go. Not the appointment the actual drive. It’s a long boring road. I’m not even confident in saying that I’m safe. I think I will with the fact that at the moment I don’t feel the need for speed.

Its the first time I have gotten into my car and can smell cigarette smoke. It makes me desperate for one. But then also one of the ladies at the meeting went out and a smoke and came back and stunk. Then she breathed on me!! 🤮 It’s like.. do I want to smell like that or do I want to make this despair easier. At the same time I can’t afford it though.

How are you?

@Captain24 sorry that you're tired sweet and feeling hungover, possibly from medications? You've done well to get up and get ready and be in the car ready to go. Take the trip slowly and if you need a break in between it's ok to pull over and take a breather. I can relate to that feeling of not being able to say 'I'm safe' with confidence, just remember you're loved and cared for here ❤️.

Noticing that smell can be both triggering but also a good thing that you can recognise how bad it is. The longer you go without smoking the easier it's going to get to not want to give in to those cravings.

I'm ok, i actually slept through the night which is very rare for me but it was nice to wake up not feeling completely exhausted. I've managed to sweep through my house, wipe down the kitchen bench, bathroom sink and the stove. I've also got a load of washing in. I was thinking of having something to eat but I'm not sure if I'm really hungry.

I didn’t pull up just kept driving. Got a little too fast at some places. @MissGremlin

I’ve just ordered my favourite take away food! Just waiting for it to be ready.

I went to a dodgy servo and asked if they had the cigarettes, I think he was offended! 😂 I don’t know where to buy them from here. They’re illegal so not advertised.

Im glad you slept through the night. It must be a good feeling. Still tired but a little less.

Something has just hurt a little. I posted a photo of mum and dads wedding on Facebook for their anniversary. My cousin has just commented on it and my mum sent back thanks… sounds all good.. the following words were… I love you. I have never heard that directed to me! I know they are close and I’m fine with her saying that but it would be nice for me to hear it.

@Captain24 I hope you enjoyed your favourite takeaway food 😋.

Did you actually buy any though?

I can understand how that would have felt hurtful to read, especially if it's not said to you even when you know it. Sending you hugs sweet ❤️.