I can’t cope

@Captain24 I can understand why you’d be anxious about seeing your brother again after what happened in February. I think it’s good that you’ve spoken to your mum about making a plan this time and having the beach as somewhere you can go for some space sounds like a good option if things get overwhelming. Hopefully things go more smoothly this time around. I feel you about the ADHD!

I’m like that too. We somehow manage to find our superpowers when there’s last minute pressure and everything needs to get done! Hopefully it all comes together on Wednesday, and you can get some rest before heading off

It’s interesting that you’re noticing your anxiety changing around different things, too. I hope you’re able to keep making sense of those changes with your psych 💛

I love Coke Zero! It’s the only soft drink I’ll drink 😂

I’m finishing very soon at 2pm. Thank you so much. I hope the rest of your day is gentle on you too 💛

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I feel sick with fear about going to bed. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m not tired now. But I need somewhere sleep. It’s just all tossing and turning lately unless I’m asleep during the day. I also don’t want to go to work. But that’s a must or I won’t pay my mortgage.

It’s deep, it’s dark and it’s overwhelming but I guess life just goes on even when you need it to just stop.

Delete it if you want but just needed to talk.

Hi @Captain24 ,

I'm sorry it's been so hard to sleep and that things are feeling so hard at the moment. I'm glad you are continuing to reach out here.

Beyond Blue also offers a free telephone and online counselling service which is available 24/7 for everyone in Australia, if you just want to chat about how you're feeling.

1300 224 636

Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

I also just want to remind you of these crisis lines if you feel at risk of suicide, are struggling to stay safe, or need immediate support:

• 000 for emergency police, ambulance, or emergency services

• Lifeline on 13 11 14 (24/7)

• Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 (24/7)

• 13YARN on 13 92 76 (24/7, for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples)

Aegis

I managed to get some sleep last night. I did hit snooze a few times, got up and got ready for work and got there with 5 minutes to spare. It was an okish day. I did pretty well under all the dig units I was under. BUT.. they talk a lot about culture and how it needs to be. So we have a crew bbq every Sunday dayshift that we work. Everyone goes. I lined up and made my sandwich and went to the tables. I went to sit on about 3 chairs and was told someone else was sitting there. I found a chair at a table in the corner so I sat and ate my lunch there. A table to myself. Not one person spoke to me. I know I like to be alone and stuff but I usually join in in a little bit of conversation barbie day. Am I really that bad that people can’t even say hello. I know I shouldn’t care but just a little bit of interest would be nice. I don’t want to be in the purple circle or anything but I would like to be able to talk to someone on a break if people are around. I feel stupid just sitting there with conversation around but not able to participate.

Im home now. I have a big morning in the morning in and out of town 3 times between 8-10:30. Then I get an afternoon nap. I usually cope better with nightshifts and the aren’t as hard for me to get too. So it should be ok.

Im going to email my psych back and apologise for asking and that it was wrong of me and I’m embarrassed and ashamed. That we can just wait until my next appointment. Maybe the holiday may lift the depression a bit. I’m not really seeing it though with the weather forecast being cold and raining. There is nothing to do where we go other than walk all different places on the water. There is a small shopping centre that the only big shop in it is Kmart! I don’t like shopping anyway.

I don’t understand how I’m feeling. It’s all confusion. It’s all messed up. I do have the urge to want to hurt myself though. I’m safe and don’t have a plan yet. The default thought of if I wish I was dead is loud and clear. I have really heavy and dark thoughts but no real suicidal thoughts. Just the not wanting to be here.

Im just talking. Just emptying my mind.

Hello lovely @Captain24,

It sounds like today was a really painful experience for your inner child. Know that you are having a very human response to feeling excluded and it's completely normal to want to feel seen and accepted.

There is nothing wrong with you. 💛

I can hear that you are wanting to apologise to your psychologist and that self-harm/heavy thoughts are present... I wonder if we can slow things down ever so slightly?

How did you go with the RAIN activity I sent the other night?

@Captain24 well I wish you zero sharks, lots of flags to swim between, and minimal angst with the dog travel challenges!! Sounds like it's going to be a very nourishing trip for you ^_^

I think going on a cruise is a brilliant idea for your 50th! Wow what a milestone! And the Reef is something else, I've only been once but it is a very special place!! So many cool fishies, and heaps of turtles and rays and everything! I hope you get to do a trip like that, it would be so special <3

Hey @AuntGlow

I do apologise to my psych and she fitted me in. We talked a lot about my thoughts and what has been happening. I have an understanding of it but it doesn’t change anything. It’s still all there.

I did try the RAIN but I don’t understand the I-investigate?

How are you going?

I’m hoping it’s good @Jynx i really need the care and mindfulness right now. I can’t find what I’m looking for here so maybe it’s over there that I’ll find it. Hopefully no sharks!! 😂

We decided on a whim about the cruise. So we aren’t doing in next year as I want to actually plan not rush. We are going to do it for her 60th and my belated 50th in 2028. That gives me time to go to the travel agent and actually see what is available. Then it will also be away from her yearly Italy trip. The one I looked at she would only be home for a couple of days before we would sail out.

How are you going?

I’ve just seen my psychologist. She didn’t even ask me how I was at the beginning.. none of the ‘Hi.. how are you’ small talk. Her first words were ‘tell me’ I just blurted everything out. From feeling invincible to wanting to die. From sleeping to not sleeping. To wanting to hurt myself again to I don’t want sores while I’m away. It was a lot and I’m exhausted.

So it was mania with the invincible thoughts. But it’s all a bit mixed up as I was sleeping with those thoughts and as they subsided I then wasn’t sleeping. Then now I’m in a depression as what goes up must come down. She appreciated that I reach out and asked for this as she was concerned.

She sees things that I don’t see. Motivation is a massive one. I didn’t realise a lack of anxiety over not doing things was lack of motivation.

Im in a pretty big mess right now. She thinks that me hurting myself has caused all this. She wants me to think about it next time and try and remember the mess it has caused in the aftermath. She does know that I’ll try it again. Just wants me to stop and think first. There was absolutely no judgement in what I did. She was just talking about it like I was the same as eating dinner or something. She is proud that I’m smoke free for 9 days but it’s really killing me! I really need them. Especially right now. She said I was strong as even with everything I’m going through I have still managed 9 days.