I can’t cope

Oh a wedding sounds awesome @Nala2022

I have heaps!!! I have written a list. But it hasn’t worked! I’ve just put music on an hope that that helps. I do put too much pressure on myself all the time. But I will start with what I can, I hate bathing the dogs but that needs to be done so I might do that first and maybe things will flow in drone there. Like changing the bedlinen so I put clean dogs on clean bedding! That will also lead into cleaning the laundry as Jetts hair goes everywhere when I blow dry him! See what happens after that!

Yeah, I need to quit to afford my needles. Plus if I’m trying to turn my lifestyle around that’s part of it.

The recharge is hard and takes time. Look after yourself and be kind. I’m lucky, if it’s not raining too much, when I’m on holidays I get the afternoon to myself at the beach. I’m only allowed a couple of hours but at least it’s sometime away from my parents.

Do you have a regular holiday spot?

Yes next Thursday @Jynx I can’t wait. I want to see my healthy little Pix running at the beach. She had a good time last time but turns out she had pancreatitis at the time! This time she is fit and healthy. The best she has been in years. I can’t wait to have my afternoons at the beach swimming. I can’t wait to go and climb the rocks and watch the waves crashing! It’s a shame that all we can afford is a week. That’s enough for mum and dad but I’d stay longer!

Im working on a new day mentality each day but so far it’s not working! 😂 I am about to check a few things off my enormous list though. Then mum and dad are coming around for me to hem her pants.

I don’t like children but I like chocolate! My phone has been doing weird things and changing random words or posts half a sentence for me that I didn’t want!

I actually think I may have some in the car 🤔 I’ll have to check. They aren’t in the console but maybe the glove box. I need them for going away anyway.

Definitely a quiet one for walking through the water and stuff. The beach I swim at I make sure the flags are out as I can’t read a rip and they scare me a little.

Shame it’s a bit of a trek though. I wish I was closer. 4 hours is a long way.

My psych emailed me a check in email last night. I responded but now I’m stressing with my response. I’ve gone back and re read it and it’s a mess. None of it makes sense other than I feel strong and invincible. Nothing can hurt me. After reading I see some serious red flags that I have never had before. I see signs of mania but I have never felt invincible before. I’m really hoping that she can see through it and not just think it’s positive.

My thoughts are just racing around in super fast circles in my head. It’s just spinning and it feels like my head is actually spinning as well. I’m super charged. I’m in motivated though and stuck in adhd paralysis at the same time!

I think I’m in a really dangerous phase. I really hope she can read between the lines. I don’t think this is good.

Hello lovely, @Captain24

I can see that today is feeling quite overwhelming, know that we are here with you.

Your ability to reflect and sit with the nuance of your experience is very positive. I wonder if sending another email with your current thoughts and feelings to your psychologist might be helpful, so you can better understand what is coming up for you?

As for right now, what might be regulating or grounding today? Is there one small action you can take to move through your adhd paralysis? 💛

It is overwhelming but exhausting too. @AuntGlow. I have managed to do a few things though. I’ve bathed the dogs, changed my bed linen and mum can around for me to take in and measure the hem of all her new pants. I’ve overlocked all the edges and she is going to actually hem them.

I don’t want to bother her. I’ll see if she emails back. She may not.

I’ve had music on but that hasn’t really helped. I want to go and mow my lawn but having to whipper snippering it first is just to hard right now. I still haven’t even started packing! I’m really tired and I’m considering a nap. I have no energy. I have been out in the sun which was nice. I’ve played with all 3 dogs, mums was here to.

How are you? How has your day been?

That's amazing! You've done a lot more than I have today haha I have been sleeping a lot lately... there are like 6 planets in retrograde atm, so maybe that's why we are both tired? 😅 @Captain24

Maybe you can note down what happened, so that you're able to share the specifics with her when she replies?

You are doing all the best things for your nervous system right now, please know that.

I am goood! Just working on assistant directing a show that will be on this month and also trying to figure out my intentions for next year - travel, study, car, apartment (but which one first, everything costs so much! 😭). Do you have any goals or things you would like to explore for next year? 🫶

I don’t really understand that stuff but I just know that I’m sleeping a lot! 😂 @AuntGlow I just had a nap then and now I need to figure something out for dinner.

O could do that if she does. She may not though.

That sounds cool. Is it hard? All I’ve ever done is be in the concert not help with directing it. Are you in it as well?

I think travel to start. Everything else can wait. Travel why you are young and can enjoy it.

I don’t really have anything for next year. Just take one day as it comes. I guess I would like to save some money!!

Actually I guess I do. To be a fitter, healthier version of my self. Fix all my medical issues

@Captain24 what an absolutely lovely thing to look forward to! I hope you and your pups have a splendid time - chasing seagulls, finding shells, and enjoying the rhythms of the waves ^_^

Dang autocorrect!! If you've updated your phone recently, that might be the culprit! Sometimes mine likes to finish my sentences for me too, not just correct words... and often I did not in fact want to type any extra words! Hurrumph!

I'm glad you have ocean safety habits. Rips are totally scary! My dad taught me how to identify them but I still don't always trust an empty beach. Swimming in a bay is preferable - much calmer waters!

Yeah 4 hours is a LOT. But worth it I reckon. Beach is a special place, for sure.

It is good @Jynx 5 work days to go, 6 til we leave!

I get to spend the afternoons at the beach in my own swimming in the waves. Diving under them and feel the tumble over my back. Floating over the top and feeling of just floating. I go out to past where the waves break and just floating over the unbroken waves. Just mindfully floating up and down.

I have updated it and it’s driving me crazy.

We never learnt beach safety as we grew up in the country. We learnt to respect the ocean though. I would love to learn how to read it. I’m glad you had your dad to show you.

Its 4 hours but it takes 6 with the dogs because we have to keep stopping with the dogs and Pix gets carsick badly so she needs regular breaks.

We go out to these rocks where the waves smash against them, it’s amazing. My mum and I connect with each other there. It’s a rare moment.

I’ve had a massive fail today. Maybe me thinking I was strong and invincible was mania. I have cleaned the house from top to bottom and done all the ironing. I didn’t mow the lawn and I definitely won’t have tome

mext Wednesday.

I haven’t even started packing and it’s not affecting my anxiety at all. It will be a big day next Wednesday though.

I haven’t cooked dinners for the next few nights. I haven’t even made lunches. I’m screwed for work!

I’ve only just had a shower and washed my hair so I decided to have a bath. I’ve got rain noises going and a candle burning. The sun is starting to go down outside so the bathroom is pretty dim with just the candle.

I’m in desperate need of a cigarette. Badly.. I would do anything to have one.

Im really not doing ok. I just want to lay here and cry. Why does life have to be so hard. I do t want to face tomorrow. I can’t face tomorrow.