I can’t cope

I’m sitting here waiting for the washing to finish so I can go to bed. I’m feeling alright just tired.

I just have that urge again as I made me feel empowered and I’m losing it so my mind is saying that if I do it again I can get it back.

I don’t have any plans at this stage. I’m safe as I have no suicidal thoughts or urges.

I’m going to bed

I just had my sleep appointment. I’ve got another mask to try. I’m so close to finding what is right. I told her it’s $500 cheaper on line but I want to stay with her as she has been amazing. She told me on the audit that there’s one in special that is the same but the last model. So all up it’s going to cost me $1300 instead of $2000. She is only telling the people she likes. She has 4 left so I told her to keep me one. I finally feel like the machine is actually working.

I got home from work this morning and did 2 loads of washing and hung it out, clean three parts of the kitchen, did dishes and unpacked the dishwasher. I had a shower and washed and dried my hair and I had a bath. Then I went to bed. I was relaxed after the bath but it didn’t help me too sleep. I just laid there for hours curled up comfortably with my eyes closed as I was tired and didn’t want them open. But my mind wouldn’t switch off. I just kept thinking of past and future conversations. Past and future acts. What I have to fit in this break.

I laid there for hours. I knew that I needed to get up as I have soooo much to do. But no.. stuck with adhd paralysis. Diimscrolled for a long time. Curled up more comfortably so I did have to get out. I finally had to go to the bathroom so I got up. There first thing I did and go to have a cigarette… nope.. don’t have any, so what did I do then.. go back to bed. I finally got up and stayed up. I got my washing in but it all still needs ironing. I have the rest of my house to clean so it’s something less I have to fit into tomorrow.

So what and I doing…. Sitting on the lounge frozen and stuck. I wrote myself a job list with times and stuff for tomorrow. Getting organised. Not sure how I can do it though other than it’s urgent.

I’ve also decided that I want to walk across hot coals like they do. Obviously in the correct environment. I don’t think I’ll ever be anywhere that that is a possibility. It would be extremely powerful I think. Something to challenge the mind. Last week when I hurt myself I had the ability to literally just do what my plan was. No hesitation to hurt myself. Fully intent and no backing away.

I have felt different since. I feel more empowered. A little more confident. If I can do that then what else can I do? I’m not meaning hurt myself but what else can I find inside of me to do. I actually coped at work for the last 5 days. I was in a good run though, but I felt a little bit more confident. Like.. look at what I had the strength to do, I can do this.

I have kind of a slightly different attitude.

There is one thing that I am really struggling with and not sure I have the strength is not smoking. It has been 11 hours without one and I never go that long. I even wake up during the night and go out and have one. Being so lazy today didn’t help either I guess. Maybe being busy tomorrow will help distract me. However after each task I would go out and have one as my reward. Even if it was only 15 minutes since I had the last one. I am a heavy smoker so this is hard. I have cut down quite a lot but just knowing that there is none there is causing distress. I know it’ll only take a couple of days and it will settle. Hopefully it’s settled before I go back to work on Friday because then I finish Wednesday morning and I have to pack and clean my house and get all my washing done and ironed to go on holidays the next morning!

So this is the adhd paralysis still.. typing shit instead of making myself get off my lazy fat arse and do something. I don’t even have the tv on.

I know no one is around but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.

I’ve just had dinner and didn’t eat as much as usual. I guess that’s the needles working.

Im feeling really alone. I have to message a friend but I just don’t have the capacity. She needs mental support so it’s just going to have to wait until tomorrow. I just can’t be nice tonight. I’ve been trying hard to be a good friend and now I’m questioning that as I just can’t do it right now.

Im feeling tired but not sleepy. I’m feeling lonely. I feel frozen. I feel stupid for being so lazy. I had stuff to do. But sat in my arse or laid in bed. I really need a smoke. This is not going to be easy. I’m struggling with it. It’s all I think about. I have the shakes and shortness of breath. The craving is ridiculous.

My thoughts are a little low. Feeling sorry for myself. Feeling miserable. I can’t think as there is too many things going round in my head. How lazy and shutdown I’ve been today. I just can’t get off the lounge.

I just want to chat but don’t know what to say or where to go but I don’t have the ability to help anyone. I need to pick myself back up. I don’t know what to do. I want to do something but I don’t want to do anything. I want to just rot but know that’s not ok. But I don’t feel that I’m able to avoid it.

Hey @Captain24

I used to smoke 50 a day. It took me ages to give up. There is no right way to get off the ciggies, but give yourself some kindness about it. It seems like you did heaps of work, at home and at work, and put a lot of pressure on yourself. Sometimes... we do need the rest... Sorry. Wasn't sure if you would mind me popping in, but I just wanted reach out... and say hello.

Apple

Hey @Captain24, I’m sorry for the late reply. I’ve been away the last few days and am just catching up on replies

That’s great that you’ve found a psych you feel comfortable and safe with. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have that, so I’m really glad you have someone you can open up to 💛

It’s also good to hear you slept well the other night and managed to get up for work and get through the day okay. I can understand why feeling different after everything that happened might be a bit scary though. Hopefully it continues to be a positive change for you 💛

How have you been overall?

Thanks for replying at all @Nala2022. I appreciate it.

How were your days off? I hope it was for good reasons.

Im starting to sleep a lot better with my machine. I think I have found the right mask and will probably buy my own on Thursday.

Work wasn’t as hard as usual and I did struggle to go some days but mostly it was ok.

Im stuck right now though. I feel like I'm in paralysis I have so much to but I'm being so lazy by laying in bed u til now and sitting on the lounge now. I have opened up the house to let the sun in though. I have so much to do. I’m going away next week and need to get all the packing done and clean the car. All my washing that’s still left after not having done it in days. Bath the dogs and clean the house. All by Friday. Plus hem pants for mum if she ever gives them to me.

I also haven’t had a smoke for 28 hours and it’s a real struggle. It’s all I think of.

How are you?

Hi @Appleblossom

Tgays a lot. I wasn’t as much as that but not far behind. I haven’t had one for 28 hours. I’m hoping it starts to settle down soon as I had cut back a lot. Well done for getting off them. Apparently it’s the hardest drug to get off.

Im trying to be proud that I haven’t gone and got any. It’s a little harder as I don’t have any cash so I would have to go and get some out and then drive all the way out to the shop.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself. Sometimes I can settle it, I did for quite a few weeks and then started on weight loss needles and smoking cessation medication. That all can cause depression and suicidal thoughts! I’m just low and not motivated so I think I have done well. I will get through it and get back to myself again.

Thanks for popping in.

I hope you are well?

Just so you know.. I am thinking of you @MissGremlin