I can’t cope

I just sat at the doctor and didn’t say much. Just got the new script for my needles and left. He didn’t ask about my hand or anything. H did keep saying if there was something I wanted to tell him and I just said no. Usually we have a laugh and stuff but I was basically mute. I’m never like that. While I can’t always express myself I usually try.

Am I a failure for not being able to do it or even test the waters? I’m so tired and drained and down. All I did all day other than my psych was sleep. I really want to go back to bed now but I need to cook dinner and iron my work clothes.

I wish I could just go to bed and stay there for a few days or a week.

What am I doing wrong. I was so good and now look at me. Planning to hurt myself and following through every detail to do it. I’ve never done that before. Basic self harm yes but not what I did and it wasn’t opportunistic, totally planned.

Will it ever come back?

Hey @Captain24 I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a challenging time at the moment. it sounds like you're really drained at the moment. Please try to remember that when we're exhausted, it can be so much harder to engage in healthy coping. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong or undoing your progress, it just means you are facing an uphill battle with fewer resources.

I'm really concerned about you. Planning self-harm is not something anyone ought to face alone. If you find yourself sitting with heavy thoughts or strong urges, I implore you to reach out to a crisis service for some extra support.

I also recommend you take a peek into our resource on coping with self-harm:

https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/the-sane-blog/managing-symptoms/self-care-for-self-harming-behaviour

You know now that those better days are possible, and that you can work towards them again. Hold onto that hope, and don't feel like you have to struggle through this alone. The community is here for you <3

Hey @Jynx

Apparently the weight loss injections make you tired but this is next level. It’s a mix of exhaustion, fatigue and depression. But even standing up takes so much effort.

My psych is too. I have also come up with other ways. I was so cool and calm about it. I felt instant relief and a whole lot better. My mood lifted so much. The hospital never questioned what I had done and neither did the burns unit. I think my GP may have figured it out as he would have had the hospital report. The scaring thing is how easy it was and how much I improved after. That means it would work again. I even have a plan for next time. But in all of this I have no suicidal thoughts or even wish I was dead. Go figure

I’ve just read that. It was interesting. I’ve read it before but I’m guessing now is a better time.

My psych and I came up with a couple of things today. I’m glad I accepted her offer of paying her in a few weeks instead of cancelling today. She could hear in my email that I needed it.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I've heard weight loss injections can come with a lot of unpleasant side effects. It's no wonder you're feeling so drained!!

I understand why it feels so concerning. I am glad you are working with your team to try to find ways to support yourself through this. Are you able to make your space safer now by putting/locking away any items that could be used for self-harm? That would be a helpful step.

I'm okay, been enjoying some warmer weather and the floral blooms kicking off ;)

Yeah.. a lot of side effects but they do gradually settle down. It’s the major one I’ve had though. @Jynx

It’s hard to put away what I plan on using. It’s not my regular go to. I’m actually going to be using both tonight. I have to cook dinner and I really have to get off my arse and go and do the ironing. It’s stuff I need on a regular basis.

Im glad you are enjoying the warmer weather for now. It is pretty when everything starts to come out. The flowers have been out here for a while now with the really warm winter. I do hope the weather stays at the right temp for you and doesn’t get too hot.

How’s the kitties?

I’m going down hill really quickly. I have ironed my work clothes and just cooking dinners for the next few nights but I’m really not feeling ok.

I think I have triggered something of by what I did the other day. Now it’s all I’m thinking about. My regular stuff is next to me in the console of my lounge. I’m planning when I can do another bad one again. I’m also thinking about it now as I finish cooking. I think too many questioned would be asked if I fronted up to the hospital again so soon though.

Lots scrolling around in my wee little head.

Hey @Captain24

I'm sorry that things are feeling so hard right now, I'm hearing how strong these thoughts are for you at the moment. I know it's difficult because these are things that you need to use in your day to day, so I imagine this wouldn't help those thought either.

Is there anything that has helped in the past when SH thoughts have been really strong, aside from removing access if that's not something we can do this time? Or maybe if you're finished with them you can put them away for tonight, what do you think?

Hey @Ru-bee

Good to see you.

I did manage to finish cooking dinner. It was tough, I was looking and thinking. But I didn’t.

Im not sure what to do.

Hello lovely,

Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. I can't imagine how big things must feel in your body right now, know that you're not alone.

You have done a wonderful job of identifying what's different and that you may be needing more support.

Can you tell me what's on your current safety plan and what your psychologist has shared for moments like this?

Here with you. 💛 @Captain24

Hey @AuntGlow

Huge feels! Something completely new. There was something calming about the other day. Even going to hospital. It was like an adrenaline rush and felt so good.

It scares me how easily I did it. No hesitation at all.

She has suggested stuff off my plan like going outside in the sun and just laying there. I have a spiky keyring and actual rings. But I like how they feel and just want more. It’s really tough. I am glad I accepted her offer of having today’s session and just pay when I can afford too.

Im about to feed the dogs and try and have a shower with this bandage on my hand that I can’t get wet.