I can’t cope

Sorry @MissGremlin i went to sleep. I was wide awake and then out.

I’ve been tossing and turning all night. But I’ve been laying with my eyes shut as I am to tired to open them. I chose a different mask to sleep with and it was better. I want to try a different one.

Im a bit sad as my hand isn’t hurting and I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. But I still won’t be able to bath the dogs or anything.

Im not high anymore. I thought of a better word more like I had adrenaline! That’s a more appropriate word.

I am now scared how much trouble I’ll be in. I know my psych will be understanding and supportive if I tell her. My GP doesn’t need to know the truth.

Im feeling really unusual. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m safe from suicide as I have no thoughts of that at all. Right now not even the thought of wishing I was dead. Bug the thoughts to hurt myself are really strong. I think I’m safe but not sure.

Im hoping you are asleep and ok.

Im so sorry for what I put you through yesterday afternoon. Thank you for supporting me though. I do appreciate it. I know how hard that would have been for you.

I’m up. I feel a little less tired with less sleep. That makes no sense but I did use a different mask too.

Im not motivated though. I need to get dressed ready for physio but I don’t want to go. At least I hopefully should get signed off.

Then I have to wait and see if the burns unit calls me. I know one of the nurses and if she sees my name she will be the one to call. I’m kinda hoping not as I don’t want to many questions.

Then wait and see if I hear from my psych and how that goes.

It feels like it could be a really full on day. I’m a little nervous about facing any of it. My own fault though. I did it to myself. I’m not really feeling the shame or guilt though. I’m thinking that it was easy and I could do it again when I feel like that. But I can only explain so many times how it happened. Maybe o need to find another way.

The scary part is how easy it actually was to do. I just stood there with no hesitation. That’s not healthy or the way someone should think.

Morning @Captain24 sweet, seems like it was a night of tossing and turning for both of us. I'm glad you tried a different mask to sleep with and that it was better, sometimes it takes time to find the one that works the best.

Sorry that you're feeling a bit sad about your hand not hurting and I can understand. There’s going to be thing's that you're unable to do while it's healing though and I know that will make things hard.

Yes adrenaline is definitely a more appropriate word and definitely makes sense.

I can understand that fear but i know that your psych is supportive, it's your choice what you tell the GP, I just want you to get the support you deserve.

I'm glad the thoughts of suicide aren't there but I am worried about those thoughts of hurting yourself, especially given how last night went. Please try to let your psych know today so that she can hopefully support you through this sweet. I'll be here no matter what ❤️.

It's ok sweet, you don't need to apologise at all. I know how hard things get in those moments, I go through it myself pretty much everyday. Yes it's hard but mainly cos I want to be able to do more to help rather than just be a person on a screen.

How are you feeling at the moment sweetheart? Have you had something for breakfast yet?

Sorry you tossed and turned all night too @MissGremlin

It’s stinging a little now I’m moving it. But I’m sitting at the physio at the moment.

Im feeling better than yesterday for it. That’s really bad thing to say.

Nah.. I haven’t had breakfast yet, maybe when I get home.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm glad you're at phsyio and I can imagine it would be stinging when you're moving it.

I'm hoping that those feelings shift for you as I know it's a tricky place to be in.

I'm going to tell you something about me, I'll put a trigger warning cos of the nature of it.

Anyway that's the heavy part out there. I'm here always sweet ❤️.

Things are feeling tough today and I know that routine starts again later. Not getting much sleep takes it's toll but I'll have to go to the shops at some stage later today aswell. I've struggled with thoughts and waves of wanting to do things to myself throughout the night but so far I've still been able to keep fighting through them (I'm safe). I'm currently having a cuppa in bed and then I'll probably get up to do my diamond art, I really want to get that one finished.

Hoping you're able to have something to eat when you get back.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are incredible. @MissGremlin I did get all of it. That must have been so hard for you and others.

I love your eagerness to help others.

I’ve just eaten and sent dad’s birthday present. I still have to go to the shops and get something from the dogs and a couple of cards. I don’t want to go anywhere until I hear from the burns unit though, that way I only have to go out once more.

Sorry is tough for you and you didn’t sleep much. I hope you get your diamond art finished. It’s cold here so I’m thinking I might go back to bed. It’s probably the best place for me to be. If I’m not careful they may get myself into some serious trouble physically and with my team.

I hope diamond art helps you to chill for a bit. If I don’t sleep I’ll get up and do some with you.

@Captain24

As someone that knows how hard it is to go through things alone, I never want anyone to be left feeling like that. That's where the drive to help people comes from the most.

I'm glad you've eaten something and sent Dad's birthday present. Going out once sounds like a good idea that way it can all be done at once.

If bed feels like the best place to be then that's perfectly ok, just be gentle with your wonderful self sweet.

Hoping you can get some sleep but if not I always enjoy when we can sit and do diamond art together.

Hey @MissGremlin

Ive been asleep most of the time. I did get an email from my psych. You will be happy to know that I am seeing her at 9 tomorrow. I’m just going to pay when I can. 2 in-depth emails. I did say when I responded that I had done something yesterday and she would be disappointed if she knew I rejected her offer after what I did.

I see the burns unit in 45 minutes! Then I’m going birthday shopping probably with

mum. I should be home around 3.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm really glad that you're seeing your psych tomorrow sweet, you deserve the support while things are feeling this tough. I'm so proud of you for letting her know that you've done something, I know you are worried about her being disappointed but I also know that she's there to help you get through this, not criticise you for it.

I hope it goes ok with the burns unlit and also going out with mum.

I'm feeling very vulnerable and things are feeling heavy (I'm safe). I'm just having some food and then I've got one section left on my diamond art.

She did say that I should know she would never judge me or be disappointed. She said in the first email that every part of me is screaming no to the appointment without the finances but I had to put the Psych name voice in my head. She is proud that I step way beyond my comfort zone and said yes @MissGremlin

Im just waiting for my appointment wondering whether my old case manager will walk out. It’s the same section of the hospital.

Sorry things are heavy. I’m glad you are eating though. So close to finishing!!! Can’t wait to see it. Did it turn out how you hoped in the end?

Mum was going to come around and bath my dogs for me! I would just have to dry them.