I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm going crazy. I physically can't sleep, I close my eyes but then it's like everything starts flashing. I've been laying on my lounge for 3 hours and I just can't sleep but I'm complaining exhausted. It's actually really scaring me. I had my doctors appointment this morning, that was a hard one cos i had to be honest with him about what I've been doing. I'm safe, just laying on my lounge with Casper.

How are you sweet?

@Captain24 I'm going crazy. I physically can't sleep, I close my eyes but then it's like everything starts flashing. I've been laying on my lounge for 3 hours and I just can't sleep but I'm complaining exhausted. It's actually really scaring me. I had my doctors appointment this morning, that was a hard one cos i had to be honest with him about what I've been doing. I'm safe, just laying on my lounge with Casper.

How are you sweet?

It sounds scary. What did your doctor say? @MissGremlin

Ive just done a bit of cleaning. I finally put the sheets on my bed! I just have to cut up the dog food, clean that little bench of the kitchen then the floors and it’s all done!

Music makes such a difference. I hot and sweaty though.

Im just sitting here waiting for my psych appointment that starts in one minute! So I’ll be gone for an hour!

I am thinking of you and hoping your afternoon routine goes smoothly.

@Captain24 he was not impressed with me and initially wasn't going to give me the scripts I needed (pain relief and anti nausea). But we've decided that this is a severe reaction to the medication I was put on as it increased the suicidal thoughts resulting in multiple attempts over the last 5 days. So now I have to stop that medication, wait a couple of weeks to make sure everything is out of my system and then reassess where things are at. So it looks like I can't take any form of antidepressants as they all have that risk of increasing the thoughts putting me at high risk (I'm safe).

You've done amazing to get things done sweet, well done. That's the only part I don't like about cleaning, getting hot and sweaty lol.

I hope your appointment goes well for you sweet.

You need to be careful or he may not give you any choice. But I’m really glad you are honest as they can’t help if you’re not. Hence I’m so open and honest with my supports. My GP nearly didn’t give me pain relief so to what I had said! @MissGremlin

my appointment was amazing. I feel so good after it these days. Not too much work more advice. More discovering more about myself. She is really happy with where I’m at and we have lots of laughs. She catches me on judgment and is noticing that there is less and that I’m taking my health stuff in my stride and not pushing to har or to fast. She likes my goal of 6/12 months. Plus that it’s not a decoy but a lifestyle change.

She has given me a couple of ideas for work. I have discovered that small comments are making me feel rejected and I’m ruminating on them. So I have a couple of obvious tools to attempt. I don’t see her for three weeks now so hopefully I can have started to shift that in that time. I actually have the confidence that I can change the way it makes me feel just will take sometime.

Im lucky it was Telehealth not SmellyHealth! I have showered yet either! 😂

How is your afternoon going?

@Captain24 I told him those 2 medications are strictly only used when I need them, yes I've broken my routine with them!

I'm so glad your appointment went well sweet, you've been working so hard and doing so well even. It's so good to hear that you can laugh together.

I hope none of those comments come from me 😂. Things take time but look at how far you've come by putting in the hard work.

Haha oh that made me giggle!

My afternoon has been rough, I'm currently out and about doing my routine. Really looking forward to bed tonight.

His license is at risk if you miss use those ones. He can be held liable. @MissGremlin That's what my GP told me anyway.

My psych is neurodivergent as well so we get each other.

Nah, they are work comments. Just little things that I spiral into major and it ruins any little confidence that I have.

Sorry it’s been rough. At least you are distracted now. I’ve just cut up the dogs food and cleaned the rest of the kitchen and kitchen cupboards. Now to start on the floors! O think I’ll just do them quick and not properly. I’ll do them properly on Thursday.

@Captain24 yes it is, he reminded me of that today.

That makes it so much easier when you can get each other.

That's hard when it's comments that are happening at work.

I just got home so now it's non-stop until bedtime. I've got to cook dinner soon too.

at least you are busy. As hard as it is you have to do it. @MissGremlin

Im trying to work out what to have for dinner! I don’t know what or what I feel like.

At least figured out what it is and that it’s RSD so that was a start. That’s where my stress about going to work is coming from and fear of judgement. That’s an important thing. Now to slowly and gradually work on it. I don’t see my psych for 3 weeks so hopefully I can show a little improvement.

Im about to wash the floor and iron and then do some dishes and I’m done!

What are you having for dinner?

@Captain24 that's true, it's just exhausting. Not being able to nap during the day is taking a toll.

It's so hard when you don't know what you feel like for dinner. I'm doing bolognase tonight. Hoping I can eat some as I really need something in my tummy.

RSD sucks, I have it aswell. Can understand why it would make going to work stressful for that fear of judgement. Fingers crossed you can put some things in place to help reduce the impact those comments have on you.

Woohoo you've done so well!