I can’t cope

I am a little proud. They do know about my mental health as I have been honest about my conditions and they don’t question my days off. I don’t tell them how bad I am until after the fact. I do have the head of HR that checks in occasionally and my bosses boss! @Nala2022 Telling my actual boss yesterday that I no longer go to bed wishing to not wake up and no longer wishing I was dead was actually huge. I do still feel it a bit but I am now able to talk myself around and say that that is just this moment not how I actually feel.

We are doing quite well with rain. It should set the breeding and crop season up pretty well. We get occasional days of rain not very often though. Earlier in autumn we got a fair bit of rain and it took us out of drought conditions so these occasional follow ups are really good. Hopefully we continue to get them as it’s going to be hot and really bad bushfire warnings. They are already talking about bushfire plans and being ready and alert.

I use to do that too. Stay up doing stuff but now as soon as I feed the dogs at 8:30 I’m in bed. I miss being able to do stuff and then go to bed. Even waking up tired and being able to turn that around. As long as you enjoyed the show then that’s what matters! Some self care and enjoyment!

I’ve just had breakfast which I don’t normally do. I’m about to have a shower and actually get dressed with shoes and all. Only if my ankle fits in my shoes! Plus then I’m going to sit and do diamond art. I can’t sit on the grass in the sun as it’s long and very wet. But I can still go out and will take some time out there when it peaks through. That’s about it for self care but that pretty much fills my day! I have been walking the dogs but can’t right now and opening up the house has also been my self care lately.

I like that you still look for them and do self care things. I also like that you have learnt how to deal with the moments. That’s something I still need to learn.

I have to do a window of tolerance thing up for my psych. So I’m hoping that that will help me recognise when I’m dysregulated or heading towards the hyper arousal. I’ll use it as a checklist like thing. When it’s done and I have worked through it and added and changed stuff with my psych I’m going to share it with MissGremlin in the hope that it gives her some ideas as well.

@Nala2022 morning routine didn't go smoothly today which really added to the overwhelm. I'm just glad to be back home and that I've got some time to myself for a while.

There really is alot, I just want things to slow down for a bit, enough to catch my breath.

I just cleaned the sink, dish rack and then did my dishes, then remembered it's bin day so I need to clean the bird cage out, pick up Caspers business and take the bins out. I might get to eat at some stage, not even feeling hungry now though as there's so much going on.

It is hard but I wanted you to know that I understand. Mine came with physical punishment! @MissGremlin

Yeah I do do other stuff, I don’t really see that house work counts but that is me pushing back again! See I do it too!

I just had a glimmer. Jett wanted a cuddle so I picked him up and he does this purr like noise when you hole him! Most of mine come from them too. Not right now though as I’m trying to type this and the little black shit is climbing all over me and trying to

lick my face!

Im going to go and have a shower. Then I’ll be sitting and doing diamond art form 10. You are welcome to join me if you want and whenever you can!

That really is something to be proud of @Captain24. Being able to tell your boss that and feeling that change is massive. It sounds like you’ve also been learning how to recognise that those thoughts can be about the moment you’re in rather than how you’ll always feel, and that’s a really important thing to hold onto

We get bushfire warnings here too, it’s so scary. Hopefully it will all be okay this summer!

Your self-care plans for today sound lovely 😊 I’m going to make myself an omelette soon. I hope you’re able to put your shoes on and that it’s not too painful for you

Hopefully that’s something that will change again for you. It’s nice to relax at night and do something you enjoy at the same time, so I hope you can get your sleep sorted and find some answers for why you’re feeling so tired

I think the window of tolerance sounds like it could be a really useful tool for you, especially if you can use it as a checklist to notice those early signs that you’re becoming dysregulated. I think it’s really thoughtful that you’re hoping to share what you learn with MissGremlin too 💛

@Captain24 totally get that physical punishment.

I understand not feeling like housework counts, it's just things that need to be done. But we still get them done!

Awww that sounds so cute 😍. Haha he's being cheeky, Casper gets in my face at times and I'm like really buddy, there is such a thing as personal space 😂.

That sounds good, I'll see if I can join you. I've not heard from my support worker yet so not sure what's happening there. Enjoy your shower sweet.

I’m sorry your morning routine didn’t go smoothly @MissGremlin It sounds like you’ve already had a lot thrown at you today, so I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed and just wanting everything to slow down for a bit. I’m glad you’re back home and have some time to yourself now

You’ve already managed to get quite a few things done too, even though you’re feeling overwhelmed. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to get everything done at once, one thing at a time is enough. Hopefully once the bins and everything are sorted, you can give yourself a little breather and have something to eat when you can 💛

Thankyou @Nala2022 sweet ❤️. I'm trying so hard to take things one step at a time.

I've finished the bins and I'm cooking myself a burger, hoping I can eat it.

I’m working on it. It’s not easy to convince myself that it’s just that moment in time though. The not wanting to live has been a huge part of my life for so long now. Many many years. That it’s kind of a comfort when things go bad. I have a long way to go with it but yes it’s something that I have noticed and slowly starting to understand. The more I talk about these things on here the more I recognise the changes and what I still need to work on but it also shows me how much progress I have made @Nala2022

An omelet sounds so good. I’m useless and can’t cook them. Maybe I should give it a go again one day.

Also for self care I didn’t put a bra on! 😜

This is my sleep situation. I slept so long last night and yet I’m sitting here doing diamond art with my eyes hanging out of my head. I really need to go to bed and get a couple more hours of sleep. It’s like when you are really depressed and just want to sleep all the time. Only thing is this isnt a want it’s a need.

I did with her when I was an inpatient but I only kind of got it then. The window was just a wish. Now having been through all stages I see it differently. Plus it’s tailored to me not the group and she knows me a lot better now.

I will do and share whatever I can with her. Anything that she may be able to see that may help. Maybe not in the moment but reflect on it at a letter time. I spend so much on my psych that I may as well share what I can and when I can especially to someone that can’t get help.

I know. It’s still an achievement and sometimes I can see that but it also has to be done. Well… I guess not always as not everyone does but to me it matters and I can’t cope so it’s a need! @MissGremlin

I hope you hear soon. My shower was good but I’m sitting here doing my diamond art and can barely keep my eyes open! I really need to sleep.

@Captain24 completely understand, it still takes so much effort though so I think you do amazing to get things done.

I can relate to needing a sleep but the support worker will be here at 11am, 40 minutes time. Maybe we can do a little bit of diamond art together and then you can have a rest? I'll probably rest after my support worker leaves.