I can’t cope

@Captain24 woohoo, now there's only about 20 minutes to go!

I bet it was a relief to take your boot off.

Yes having a name will help and hopefully we can find ways to manage the symptoms.

Today's been really hard, I tried to nap but kept waking up with the pain in my ears and then I felt so out of it, like I was all spaced out. I got really overwhelmed earlier with things happening here and my thoughts got so intense, trying hard to learn the warning signs before it gets to a dangerous point but it happens so suddenly. I'm safe, about to start my bedtime routine. I finished one row if sections on my diamond art today, the mystery one.

I’m home!! @MissGremlin

Sorry it’s been so rough for you and that it’s overwhelming.

Yay on finishing one row! That’s good. I have about 2/3 of this section to finish and I’ll pack it away then get stuck into the other one.

@Captain24 yay, I'm so glad that you're home ☺️.

It's been quite the day here. I was talking to my doctor about the sleep study cos I'm worried that I'm not going to get a good reading if I can't get enough sleep. He said he's expecting that it's going to come back inconclusive but that's ok cos then we'll do a referral for a proper sleep study to find out what's going on.

Still have no idea what the picture is 😂. That sounds like a good plan, though it's longer that I have to wait to see it finished 😂.

How are you feeling sweet?

@Captain24 I wanted to share with you something that I'm a little proud of. I've gotten myself into a routine of taking both pain relief and an anti nausea tablet in the morning every day (only recommended doses) but this morning I didn't take it and I actually haven't taken any all day.

Oh that’s good. Tick the first box off to make sure you do qualify for the sleep study! @MissGremlin

Im glad you still don’t know what it is! I’m in suspense so you should be too! 😜

Ot will be longer but I’m hoping it’s a pretty easy one. I haven’t really looked at it just that it was all purple!

Im so proud of you and proud of you for recognising that it’s a proud moment. That’s a good thing g that you now know you didn’t need them today!

@Captain24 yes, gotta go through the process to get to the things we need to hopefully get answers.

Haha oh I'm definitely in suspense 😂.

At least purple is a pretty colour 😂. Hopefully it doesn't take long to do so you can send them the picture of it.

Thankyou sweet, it's really a huge thing. I'm trying hard to change it as I know it's not good to be taking them all the time and I should only be taking them when needed.

I’m about to go and have a shower and go to bed. @MissGremlin I just had a look and it’s not an easy one. So it could take a while. There is 37 colours!

Please don’t take this the wrong way. When I was really bad I just kept saying that I can’t live like this. I want to get better and I felt like I was trying but it didn’t do anything so I kept giving up. I had resigned myself to the fact that I just couldn’t do it. I feel like you get exactly what I have said.

Then there was little shifts that I didn’t see but my psych did. She would bring them up but I would just turn it around and not see it just looked at the negatives. I couldn’t see any change. I wouldn’t accept that there was any change. Sound familiar?

As I gradually allowed myself to recognise and accept things. )really slowly!) and from people on here. Things started to change a little. Not much but a little. It turns out that the little is what helped. Then all of a sudden I wanted to get better. I had to want it even though I had said it I actually meant it and I had to try and I had to work hard to shift it.

You are noticing little things yourself. You were proud of yourself with the rent inspection. You are proud of yourself with the medication. You should also be proud that you are not stressing about this test as it’s just a step to the next one. That is a big thing. To be able to accept that. Having it explained has helped. But you listened to him. You didn’t just stop at the negative that he expects it to come back as nonconlusive. You focused on the next step. You have also given the sun a go. That is also a big thing. That and the music is what triggered me with finding this place.

You are wanting to find your warning signs. So you haven’t found them as it’s too quick and I understand totally! I have told my psych the exact same thing. But the fact that you are willing and wanting to try is also a step forward.

While it totally doesn’t feel like it and you probably can’t see it. I couldn’t. Things are slowly starting to shift. Very slowly but it’s an actually start.

@Captain24 hope you enjoy your shower sweet and get a good night's sleep tonight ❤️. That's alot of colours so could definitely take a while.

Oh that sounds so familiar. The amount of times that I've said 'I want to change, I can't keep going like this' is more than I care to say. But everytime something negative happened it threw me completely backwards and I'd give up.

I'm trying hard to see things differently, to see the positives even through the challenges. I really do want to change but there's still alot of moments where I don't feel like it's possible, I'm worried that will hold me back but it's hard to shift it.

Thankyou for the encouragement sweet, it truly means alot ❤️. Seeing the hard work you've put in both shows me that it's possible to change and also makes me want it to happen for me.

It will hold you back. But if you keep

looking for those little moments you will see that there is more there than you realise. It is so hard to shift that way of thinking when that’s all you can remember right now. It’s safe and comfortable. It’s the know . Looking for these little things and it doesn’t matter how little will feel uncomfortable and unsafe as it’s the unknown. It’s not what you are use to. But slowly you will see good things in each day. Notice your glimmers. That moment you laugh at Casper for playing with his toy or when you were dancing around the room. Notice and accept those little things. There was a moment that you smiled and laughed.

Im not going to lie, it’s damn hard work and I need the support of my psych but my constant support is on here Yhis is the place that people see me everyday, the good, the bad and the ugly. Being shown these moments on here was a really good help. I even missed appointments with my psych. But the forums got me through.

You can do this. I’m nothing special and have been threatened with being scheduled but by some shear motile it found me. It definitely wasn’t easy though. @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 yes the unknown makes it hard cos its scary, it's unfamiliar and feels so uncomfortable. It's also hard cos those moments where I do smile or laugh are soon tainted by guilt for feeling that way, that I'm not sure how to change. I've got so much trauma from not being allowed to feel what came naturally but rather made to feel something else. Maybe I'll see if I can start writing down those little glimmers before things shift.

The forums are truly invaluable in so many ways. I'm so glad that you have the support of your psych and that you've got here aswell. You just reminded me that I still haven't heard back from the psychology place after I rang them on Friday, very disappointing.

You are special, you're incredible sweetheart, never doubt that for a second. You've worked so hard and still continue to do so even when things have shifted you've still looked for glimmers, you've still done those self care things to help things shift back to a better place. Sending lots of love and hugs, thankyou for being you ❤️.