I can’t cope

Hey there @MissGremlin,

Waking up in panic after a bad nightmare sounds like a really awful experience 😔 It sounds like it triggered a lot of heavy thoughts for you tonight, which is making it hard to go back to sleep.

It's understandable and totally okay for you to feel frustrated and exhausted about having go through this process repeatedly. Coping takes a lot of energy, and sustaining those energy levels all the time can be a tough ask.

Although it might be really hard to feel like you have the strength to fight right now, the fact that you're saying that you want to have a day of no dark thoughts or panic, tells me that there's actually a big part of you that wants to live. That part might not feel present right now, but it's okay to just take things one step at a time, until it feels present again.

You did well to try and reach out to a crisis service, and I hope that you can get connected very soon so that you can get the support that you deserve 🌸 If you're still not able to connect to the one you've chosen, please remember that there are other alternatives such as Suicide Callback Service, Lifeline, and BeyondBlue.

It's great that Casper is keeping you company as always! May his snooze bring rest to you tonight as well!

Hello @MindfulMango, I'd only been asleep for a very short time before waking up like this.

I've not been able to sleep much lately at all, averaging about 2 hours a night and that's in intervals of only a few minutes at a time. So my energy levels and ability to cope are almost non existent.

Unfortunately there's not a huge part of me that wants to live, especially cos this has been going on for so long without any relief from it (I'm safe). I just feel so lost on what to do, what to try, what could help, if anything.

Unfortunately I've still not been able to connect with the service and I'm limited to only one which makes it hard. It's at least allowed me to join the chat queue now so maybe I'll get to talk to someone.

Casper is doing his job by laying on me to help keep me grounded, I'm trying hard to let things settle but feeling nauseous is hugely triggering as I have emetophobia.

It's okay to feel lost @MissGremlin! It's hard to know what can help when we're in a state of panic, so it's understandable that you're not really sure where to begin at the moment.

It might be helpful to just take things slowly, and to just focus on the present, so that you don't overwhelm yourself even more. Slow breaths, Casper cuddles, and maybe a mindful activity to keep yourself busy while waiting in the queue, might be a good place to start?

Sending extra warmth your way tonight!

Thankyou @MindfulMango, I'd finally managed to doze off but I'm awake yet again in a panic 😞. At this stage I'm really wanting the night to be over, for the sun to rise so that I know I've made it through another night. I can't keep going through this, it's taking too much out of me. I'm safe for now, snuggled with Casper while I try to watch videos to help calm down.

Good morning @MissGremlin.

The night is over now. Just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling this morning? Did you and Casper find a movie to watch to distract yourself? Although, i can imagine Casper is not the movie type of animals and sticks around purely for the warm cuddles and company :)

Morning @SmashedAvocado, I'm really glad the night is over but I'm so scared for what tonight will hold, it's getting harder every night cos both my mind and body are completely exhausted 😞.

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling though, my thoughts have been intense but I think I'm too tired to even do anything about them. There's so many feelinga and emotions running through me and it's hard to make sense of everything. I'm safe, currently working on a craft and then I'm going to do some diamond art after.

I was watching Buffy and Angel last night to keep distracted. Casper very much enjoys the snuggles, as soon as I roll over to try to sleep be curls up on my pillow and uses my head as his headrest.

Morning @MissGremlin 😊 Im really glad to hear you are safe and that you have got some things lined up to help get you through the day.

I know you have been carrying a lot for a long time, and it makes sense that you are feeling exhausted. When thoughts and emotions are so intense, sometimes it can be hard to even sort out what you are feeling beyond being completely worn out.

Your craft and diamond art to focus sound like good things to focus on, and Buffy and Angel sound like good companions for distraction too. And Casper sounds absolutely adorable! The image of him using your head as a pillow gave me a smile.

For now, maybe try not to get too far ahead into worrying about tonight. Just focus on this moment, your craft, and those little things that are helping you stay safe. Be gentle with yourself today, you are getting through a lot.

I would love to see how the diamond art is progressing. Can you share a picture later to show us how you are tracking with it?

@SmashedAvocado it's alot when there's so much racing through your mind and body all at once. You're right though that it's hard cos I'm completely worn out so I can't distinguish one feeling from another, they just sort of all blur together.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted but by doing gentle things as last thing I need is to try to push myself. I had a shower and did my dishes this morning and I think that's enough for today, I'll have to do a small shop trip this afternoon aswell. Casper is adorable and I love how he sleeps on my pillow, he's done it ever since he was a puppy. Here's a pic of Casper from a couple of weeks ago.

Here's the diamond art I'm working on but I'll delete the pic later as Captain and I like to keep them a surprise from each other until we've finished them.

Hey @MissGremlin ,

I think thats more than enough for one day. One step at a time is enough, and it sounds like you have been doing what you need to do to get through.

OMG, Casper is adorable! I would happily take a Casper cuddle right now too.

Your diamond art is beautiful. It looks like the sort of project that takes a lot of patience and time to complete. Do you frame your finished pieces? I love that you and Captain keep them as surprises for each other too, that's such a sweet tradition.

And don't worry about having to delete the photo. I'll remove it now so the surprise isn't spoiled, but I still got a little sneak peek! 😊 Thanks for sharing it with me. 💎✨

@SmashedAvocado it's really hard to even get through with things the way they are, but I'm trying. Very much need to remember to take it one step at a time.

He's a gorgeous boy and is always up got cuddles. I'd honestly be so lost without him.

Thankyou, they do take patience and time but they are really worth it. I wish I could frame them but I've got nowhere to put them so I've got a folder where I store them but there's a couple that I'm hoping to frame and find somewhere to put them.

I love that we're able to sit here and do them together while we have random chats, it's both connection and doing something we enjoy.

You did get a sneak peak, thankyou for removing the pic for me ☺️.