I can’t cope

He doesn’t have kids which is a good thing as I don’t think k he could be trusted with them. I think he has similar tendencies to someone. @MissGremlin

I found something to cover it with. She won’t look but it’s on the dining table as you walk out the back so she will be able to see it.

It’s only 4 days this time and then I’ll be back for 5 so it’s not that long really. It’s my favourite block. It’ll keep me busy though so I won’t think about my doctors call Friday. I still have to do my homework for my psych too! Oops. I’ve got until Tuesday next week

@Captain24 definitely a good thing that he doesn't have kids. There's really some horrible people out there.

Glad you found something to cover it with.

That's awesome that it's only 4 days this time. Hoping that doctors appointment gives you answers and that you can sort out the sleep issues. You've still got time to do your homework for your psych, I actually think it's good that you haven't done it yet as there's still alot of emotions/feelings going on so you'll be able to include more information.

Dinner was horrible so I threw it out. Hopefully it’s better the next 2 nights after microwaving it and cooking the raw egg. So now I’m having weetbix. @MissGremlin

Yeah. I need to write things down. I’ll do it and email her and we will both add more in my appointment. One part I really struggle with but she will help. She will just like the fact that I did it. There is things like today when I went from dysregulated to regulated and back again. I got myself out of it earlier but facing work tomorrow is harder to get myself out. It could even be a good day. I don’t really know. But it could also put me in tears. I’m more emotional now that my body isn’t blocking it as much.

Have you got much on tomorrow?

@Captain24 oh that sucks, hopefully it's better the next 2 nights. Glad you are having some weetbix though.

That's a good idea, I'm sure she'll definitely be happy that you've done it. You've done really well today, even when things were hard you managed to make a shift and it's ok that they're feeling hard again now as we know it's probably due to going back to work. I'm sorry you're feeling emotional sweet, it's think it's almost bedtime. Sending you hugs ❤️.

I don't have anything on tomorrow but I do have a certain someone coming to look at the car again.

It could be weetbix breakfast and dinner for the next few nights! 😜 @MissGremlin I do have back up though if it’s still horrible.

I chucked all the dishes in the dishwasher and washed the one that doesn’t go in so my kitchen is clean.

Im sure she has people that wouldn’t put any effort in. Or try anything she suggests so just the fact that I tried will be good enough for her. It’s easier to talk about and work through when it’s written down. We tried it when I saw her inperson once but I was too far gone to be able to do it right. She stopped halfway through as I was too distressed. If we were inperson we would be able to do it together in her whiteboard.

I just cry easier lately. It’s not a bad thing, I think it’s suppose to be a good thing to be more emotional than completely shutdown. Not sobbing in a corner crying just the odd shedding of tears.

I hope it can be made more reliable.

@Captain24 I mean weetbix is still better then having nothing 😂.

Yay for your kitchen being clean, well done sweet.

I'm sure alot of people don't put in any effort, you really put in the hard work even when you're struggling so much. That sounds tough but I'm glad she stopped when you were distressed, she really is an amazing psych and I'm glad you have her.

Crying is ok, it means that we're comfortable enough to allow ourselves to feel our emotions.

Oh I really hope so, it's so hard dealing with my car the way it is.

I've just hopped into bed so I'm hoping to do some diamond art.

I have put my diamond art down for the next 4 days 😢 I’ve just fed the dogs and I’m about to go and have a shower and go to bed. I’d really like to stay up but it’s just not worth the risk. @MissGremlin

Ill pop in but won’t see you properly until Friday

Thinking of you and look after yourself. I hope your sleep study goes ok.

@Captain24 awwww you'll get to do it again really soon. It's definitely not worth the risk, i hope you enjoy your shower and have a good night's sleep.

Will be thinking of you too sweetheart. Lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

I've been trying for an hour to get through to a crisis service to talk about what's going on for me but I'm not able to even connect with them. I just needed to get this out as it's really hard to sit alone with the thoughts/urges. I'm safe for now, trying to do my diamond art and I have my TV show on.

I have woken up in a complete panic after a horrific nightmare. I can't stop seeing it, it's playing out on repeat and it's making me feel so sick 😞. I tried to connect to a crisis service to talk things through but I'm not able to get through. It's bringing up so many feelings and emotions which is then leading to thoughts and urges. It's too much right now, I just want to be able to sleep without the constant panic attacks, without the nightmares. I want one day where I don't have the thoughts of suicide, where I'm not riddled with panic, where I'm able to just relax and not have to fight myself to just stay alive. I'm exhausted, I'm run down, I'm well and truly broken and I've got no strength in me to fight right now.

I'm safe for now, laying in bed with Casper and I'm trying to focus on his breathing to help calm down while I'm trying to connect to a crisis service if I can ever actually get through.