I can’t cope

I laid down for an hour but couldn’t sleep. Both my dogs are out like a light though.

Im really tired. A sleep would have been good and much needed.

@Captain24 resting has been really hard. I've only dozed off for a few minutes at a time. First I had teens out the front on skateboards and they were being really loud, then my neighbours kept coming and going and slamming all their car doors. Casper kept barking at the noises.

Oh no, think that would give me anxiety aswell. I'm glad that you managed to have a shower and bath though. You've done so well to get washing done aswell sweet.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to nap.

I’m sorry it was hard for you @MissGremlin

I just read something on here that’s was really triggering. That and my day coming to an end meaning I have work tomorrow has really rocked me. What I read is really playing on my mind. I can feel it. I’m feeling into a heap rapidly.

I’ve closed my blinds and door. I still have my music going and doing diamond art. I don’t know what else to do. I’m sitting in comfy pj’s. My body is relaxed but my Ming isn’t. It’s full of dread, fear and not nice things.

@Captain24 I'm sorry that you read something on here that was triggering, I hope it's nothing i said. Happy to discuss what you read if it would help to get things out.

Can we try to shift the focus here a bit sweet, let's see if we can slow or even stop the crash. I know going back to work is really hard for you, but can we see if we can focus on the good moments that you've had at work.

You're doing amazing with the self care to try to manage things sweet, I'm here with you ❤️

Oh.. nothing you said at all. I’m not easily triggered. It was just an off hand comment and it’s what I believe about myself and I haven’t been able to change that. I found out today that my uncle was homeless and I couldn’t care less. That makes me a bad person. Which I haven’t been able to shift no matter how hard I try. @MissGremlin

Being tired, falling in a heap as it’s time to go back to work it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Im not sure what can help. I’ve done all the self care that I can do. Im just going to finish this section and I’m going to cook dinners for work. I’m really at a loss as to what to do. If I knew what I was doing at work tomorrow I could prepare for it but you don’t know. It even changes up until we head out into the pit at 7.

Sorry you have enough. Don’t worry about me.

@Captain24 I know it's really tough when we read things that we believe about ourselves. I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling about yourself sweet, is there a reason that you couldn't care less about it? There's always a reason for our feelings so maybe there's something underlying there.

Maybe for right now we can just sit with the feelings. I know the unknown sucks, especially when we like to know and plan for what's to come. Finishing that section and cooking dinners sounds like a good plan, you're doing well sweet.

Nothing to apologise for sweetheart, I'm here for you ❤️.

I’m think I’m a bad person anyway. But it shows with my uncle. To be honest I couldn’t care if he was dead. I definitely will not be going to his funeral. Mum may go to look good. But not one of his other family members will go. He hurt my nan and caused so many dramas that I can’t actually go into because it’s not forum suitable! @MissGremlin

If I was a good person then I wouldnt think like that. He does deserve it though. He also told my mum that the world would be a better place if she was dead!

I’ve finished that section so I’m about to put the pot unto boil. It’ll be really simple because I just don’t have it in me and can’t cope right now with the thought of changing it with putting veggies in it.

What’s for dinner at your place?

@Captain24 firstly you're not a bad person sweet, though I can understand feeling that way. With regards to your uncle, there's a reason behind why you don't care, there's trauma linked to it. You don't owe him anything, not when he's hurt someone you love and caused issues.

That's a really hurtful thing that he said to your mum and I've been told similar by others that are meant to care about me. Being a good person here is you looking out for yourself and those that were hurt as a result of his actions. What you're feeling about him is completely valid sweet, please try to be gentle with yourself.

It's ok to keep it simple right now, I have nights like that.

Tonight was butter chicken and wraps 😋.

See I have a completely dysfunctional side of the family as well as the good side! @MissGremlin

Im really proud of you for catering for everyone. Making sure all guests are happy.

when dinner is cooked I might start the next section. Plus I have to find something to cover it with so mum can’t see it when she comes in tomorrow.

@Captain24 think you'll find most families have that, my mothers sister is a piece of work and I don't associate with her or my cousins. They stole from my mother, gave me soiled clothes for xmas/birthday presents etc.

I wouldn't hear the end of it if I didn't 😂.

Oohhh yes definitely make sure to cover it for when mum comes. I can't wait to sit in bed and do mine tonight. Going to miss you when you're back at work but always look forward to when you're off and we get to do diamond art together ☺️.