I can’t cope

I am done. I only need to leave the house for work related stuff for at least the next week or more. I do have to get my pink slip done but that’s on my way home from work Friday morning! @MissGremlin

I also cleaned out my freezer when I was unpacking my groceries. I have so many frozen veggies! 😂 Maybe I should eat them! 😜

I haven’t sat down since I got up at 7 so now I will. I’m going to do my diamond art.

All the sleep experts that we have that come to work. We get a few. They say even laying in bed helps with rest. So if I nightshift and having trouble sleeping just laying there can help!

Im sorry things are heavy.

@Captain24 not having to leave the house other than for work related stuff sounds good, hopefully getting the pink slip done goes smoothly.

Haha well at least you found veggies! Frozen veggies are good to incorporate into meals.

I'm glad you're taking time to sit down and do your diamond art now sweet, you've done amazing this morning.

I've been laying here for almost 3 hours trying to get some sleep but it's just not happening. I'm struggling to find a reason to keep going, I'm beyond exhausted and scared that things are never going to change. I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I'm trying hard to keep pushing through but it feels impossible. I'm safe for now, laying with Casper. I don't know whether to get my diamond art and do some or just lay here.

I’m tired though! @MissGremlin

Just stay laying there and not doing anything if that’s what you want to do. Don’t think any ‘I shoulds’ just do what you want. I get the not finding any reason but also what would happen to your housemates? I know that that is the last thing on your mind but do they need more upheaval? Also there is Casper. The only reason I am alive is that I had Pix. Now Jett too. Pix wouldn’t cope but Jett would be a mess. He misses me when I’m at work and don’t really see him for a few days.

I know that’s not want you want to hear and not what you want to think about. But no.. they will not be better off without you?

@Captain24 I'm not surprised that you're tired sweet, you've done alot.

The fact that you know exactly where my thinking is at, that thought of everyone would be better off without me. I try hard to push it aside but with everything that's going on it's a real challenge to. I'm safe, I'm going to make myself a cuppa and then see how I feel after that.

I know.. I’ve been there and will probably end up back there eventually. That’s bipolar for you! @MissGremlin

Just do what you need to do to feel comfortable. I guess you will have to do lunches soon but just let yourself ‘be’ while you can.

Im diamond arting! Trying to keep my eyes open!

@Captain24 yes it is and add BPD to that and it complicates it even more!

I got up to make a coffee and discovered that my hot water pilot light has gone out. It's a storage hot water aswell so will take forever to heat back up again. I've also caught 2 mice in my house within 12 hours!

I'm about to do some diamond art while I can.

I don’t have to add that in so that’s good! @MissGremlin

OH NO… that’s a bugger. Something little to deal with and fix but feels like major meltdown territory!

Ok let’s do it together.

I just listened to a song. I ‘heard’ it differently for the first time and a lot of it resonates.

P!nk Happy. I don’t know how to do links but I think you will get it.

@Captain24 I don't even know how to relight it so have to rely on someone else that's not meant to be here when others are (I'm safe).

Glad to be doing it together. I really want to finish the cheap custom one.

I love that song, the words are really powerful. It's actually made me teary cos I resonate with it alot. I've now got anywhere away from here by P!nk and Rag 'n' Bone playing.

I replied and it went missing! @MissGremlin

I get that they shouldn’t be there. That’s understandable. Is it just as simple as getting under it and lighting it with a cigarette lighter? Is there anyone else you can call. Also watch how to do it so you know for next time!

Do they need to come inside? It’s a 5 minute job come, go and leave immediately?

I think I was scared to be happy. It was an unknown feeling and felt unachievable and uncomfortable. Being in that low place was comfortable, so to speak, as it was all I knew and I knew and understood it.

@Captain24 oh that sucks.

It's lit now anyway, unfortunately there's no access to around there without having to go through the house. I won't light it, that's one of my fears. It took a long time for me to actually be comfortable using a gas stove/oven and even at times I struggle if the oven needs to be lit manually. Silly I know.

It's definitely an unknown feeling and then there's the fear of the crash after so why bother trying to get used to the feeling of happiness when you know what's coming after. It takes alot of work and time to change the thinking around it.