I can’t cope

Just chuck some cheese on it! I absolutely love it! Do you have any packet mixes. I also sometimes mix up a satay chicken maggi packets and stir it through. @MissGremlin

I am still sitting on the lounge and haven’t gone back to my tracksuits yet. I also still need to dry my hair! I’ll get there before the nights out! I’m getting really hungry though so I should hurry up.

In my essay to AuntGlow I told her that I’m enjoying life on my days off. It took me half an hour to realise I said that and actually mean it. It was a bit of a shock!

@Captain24 I even ran out of cheese 😞. I don't have anything to put in it at all.

Slowly does it, there's no rush. Well I mean maybe a little otherwise you might get 'hangry' 😂.

I did pick up on that and thought that's actually huge!

Could you use the mince and make savoury mince and pasta? @MissGremlin

It is huge and I didn’t even realise.

Still sitting in the lounge. I need to get up and finish. All up including drying my hair may take about 30 minutes. It’s not that hard!

@Captain24 noone would eat it. There's literally nothing to go with it. Bolognase was the only meal that I had to cook tonight aswell.

You've got this sweet! Just think it also means that you'll be closer to bedtime too.

Haha and what a wonderful ramble it is @Captain24!!

Honestly it is so, SO wonderful to hear that you're feeling happiness and joy on your days off! What an incredible statement to be able to make, truly a mark of the monumental efforts you have been putting towards your recovery. Reclaiming your personal time and looking foreward to things are massive milestones!! So proud, and you can be too!

Relish in it! You've earned and very much deserve this sensation ^_^

@MissGremlin I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you of late hun. It sounds like it's been both an external and an internal battle. So I can imagine the little things like forgetting to buy certain ingredients can very easily feel like massive failures. The proverbial straw, as they say. I hope you can try to remember that these small things are not worth punishing yourself over, and to try to focus on what you can control. One thing we can often control is how we talk to ourselves and how we give ourselves some grace, so I send you the strength to be able to do so tonight. One gentle step at a time, yeah? <3

Hugs to you both!

Hello @Jynx, things have been so hard and it's definitely been both an external and internal battle. I know they might seem like little things but when so many other things have gone wrong and then it's those little things aswell, it's just massive and i struggle to be kind to myself about it. I've been trying to be gentle with myself knowing that today wasn't anything I'd done wrong but rather services that simply don't care about human compassion and don't take into consideration that what they say can have a huge impact on others. I worked so hard ringing many places to get as many support letters together as I could only to be told that they are useless. That's what hurts so much, is that i put in so much effort and it meant nothing. I'll do my best to take it one gentle step at a time but I'm afraid that I'm going to stumble and not be able to get back up (I'm safe).

Thankyou for the hugs, they are very much needed at the moment ❤️.

How are you doing sweet?

Hey @Jynx !!!! It was a big ramble! But I think it all needed to be said.

How are you going? Anything exciting happening?

Yes I am a little proud of myself. It took me over half an hour to realise that I actually wrote that I’m enjoying life on my days off. I didn’t even realise that’s how I felt. I like the fact that I can do whatever I want without earning and if I just want to.

I have worked really hard and deserve this break from it all. It just feels good. If I’m really tired I struggle with unwelcome thoughts but I try and tell myself that I’m just tired.

The biggest thing is that I no longer wish I was dead! I still don’t care if I don’t wake up but I’m not wishing that I won’t. I can’t change everything but it’s a massive shift!

That’s a bigger @MissGremlin . They will get over it.

I have done the ironing, all of it, I have dried my hair, folded the sheets now they are dry and just waiting the 10 minutes until the doona cover is finished washing and then throw that in the dryer! Go me!!!

@MissGremlin I am plodding along, hanging with the kitties and keeping warm :) Actually you'll enjoy the fact that I think it's about time I rewatch Buffy again!! Or maybe Firefly first, then Buffy & Angel hehe. Firefly is so short though, so it won't take me long to watch :P

I totally get you on how those little things can feel so massive. Especially when it is technically something that was within your control, so I can imagine it to be an extra kicker when those events outside of your control have been so draining and disappointing. It sucks to have policy and paperwork overtake compassion and humanity, and I am deeply sorry that happened to you after all the effort you put in. It's not fair, when it should be. Even if those efforts meant 'nothing' to the process, they can still mean something in terms of your fighting spirit and refusal to back down from a challenge - for whatever small meaning that is worth to you ;)

@Captain24 nothing too exciting on my end, except perhaps that I have now gotten to a point where everything in 'that room' is now in boxes! Not totally sorted, but certainly a lot more manageable and easier on my psyche for sure. Something to be said for organising stuff, that's for sure!

The fact that you don't feel like you need to 'earn' your rest and leisure time is HUGE!! Alongside such a shift in your suicidal ideation, just WOW. Those are two absolutely enormous steps forward!

Focus on this feeling, reflect on it, make a record of it somewhere (journal or scrapbook for example), because now you know it's achievable, and you can return to that fact if ever things become challenging again.

Hope the diamond art is going well for you both, helping you find that wonderful flow state!! <3

OMG @Jynx

I am so so so proud of you. You have had that room as long as I have known you and it’s always been an issue for you. It’s ok that the boxes aren’t sorted. You have now worked through that room. You have done something you didn’t think you could do and got to the end. How does it feel to have achieved that? You have done really well,

Its mammoth. It comes as a shock to me as I always thought the SI would just follow me everywhere. I am struggling with keeping it at work but I have noticed that anytime something goes badly my first thought is I was I was dead. It happens at work but (I know big surprise!) I tell myself that I don’t really and I’m days off are coming and I deserve them to do whatever I want. I work to live not live to work!

I have to do a window of tolerance sheet for my psych. What the window feels like, then what to notice when becoming dysregulated and when it’s hyper or hypo arousal. So I can see it on paper and hopefully trigger myself in a good way.

My psych is prepared for it not being permanent just yet. Hence the widow of tolerance. But at least I now know it can happen and if I work hard enough I can make it happen. If I could figure out how to stop work being a trigger that would help. That’s more my personal beliefs though. Oh and another thing. I’m being kind to myself and don’t have as much self hatred. I can see and say positive about myself.

I should hopefully get my custom ones I ordered tomorrow. I’m doing 2 of my mums passed dogs for her for Christmas. So I want to get started. I’ve got 6 coming and mum is giving me 2 for Christmas. Plus I still have one here. I’ll be busy! Plenty of time to spend with MissGremlin!