I can’t cope

I can absolutely understand why work is a trigger for you. And it must be so hard to receive feedback that suggests you're not good enough... what would it be like to detach from their opinions and connect to your own? Is there any part of you that knows how hard you work and how much you have to offer? It's okay if it's really tiny, we just need a glimpse. @Captain24

You handled all of your tasks really well!!

I like that the sun helped you regulate, it helps me too - nature's medicine. 🥰🌞

How did work feel for you last night?

Also, I am curious, would you say that you feel better overall when you're not at work?

@AuntGlow I managed to sit in the sun for a little bit, but my brain has been so loud and non-stop all day so it was hard to actually enjoy it. I've been dozing on and off today, I can't seem to stay awake for long.

I really do try so hard to catch things but I'm so exhausted that there's a part of me that gives in aswell. I feel like I'm on the edge of getting to that point of blanking out but I've been sitting here trying to do my diamond art, just hoping that I can sleep soon. I really want and need things in my head to be quiet, my body has been in a state of panic all day so I'm sore also. I'm safe for now, been waiting to get through to a crisis service for over an hour and I have Casper by my side.

Tonight is proving to be really hard and I'm struggling alot. I dozed off for all of a few minutes before waking up in a panic and I'm not able to go back to sleep. My brain is really focusing on dark thoughts, so much so that it's like a debate inside my head of reasons why I should/shouldn't act on things. It's really taking so much strength to keep fighting when every part of me is desperate for relief. It's exhausting being like this constantly, barely having the chance to catch my breath or experience any moments that bring joy long enough to actually enjoy them. I know something needs to change but I'm not sure exactly what needs to change in order for things to be different or if in fact it's even possible. Am I just too far gone, is this how things are always going to be, have I lost the battle.

This is just some of what's going through my head right now, it's alot and it's so, so heavy to carry, especially alone. I needed to get it out, hoping it helps to maybe quieten things even if it's only a little. I'm safe for now, laying with Casper snuggled up to me and listening to the storm outside.

I really want the night to be over already 😞. I managed to doze off just after 2am (it's now 2.40am) but I've woken up after having a nightmare and in a full on panic. Everytime I close my eyes i can see the nightmare flashing through my eyes, it's really quite scary and overwhelming. I tried to connect to a service to talk things through but I'm unable to get through at the moment. I'm feeling so scared and alone, wondering what I did to deserve this. I'm safe, snuggled up with Casper listening to him snore.

Hey @MissGremlin, I can hear there are a lot of dark and overwhelming thoughts running through your head at the moment, and this a lot of heaviness for you to be carrying. When we are feeling this way, talking with others can be a really helpful way to cope, so I'm glad you have felt comfortable sharing a little about what's going on for you here. I hear you, and I do hope this can offer some reassurance that you are not sitting through this alone.

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been able to get through to a service at these hours. You deserve to have someone listen with compassion and understanding, so being unable to make that connection can feel incredibly frustrating and isolating. I'm glad to at least hear that Casper is providing you some comfort, and I encourage you to perhaps try connecting with another mental health helpline if this is something you are still needing. I will link some different ones here for you to try: Mental health helplines | healthdirect

Try and be gentle with yourself, and I hope you those thoughts can calm enough to allow you some rest this morning. Sending warmth your way!

Hello @ShadowMod, thankyou for replying and it does help to have some reassurance that I'm not completely alone.

It's really hard as I'm limited with who I can reach out to. For some reason the link you shared doesn't work, when I click on it nothing happens.

I did manage to get the last couple of hours of sleep. My head is pounding this morning and I'm feeling very nauseous (I'm safe). Really need to take today slowly and gently which is going to be hard as I have a meeting to go to with my support worker.

hey @MissGremlin.

YAY!! I’ve finished work!! The last two nits haven’t been as bad. But I’ve been extremely tired. Last night was the hardest.

I’ve got 2 loads of washing g to do and then I’ll go to bed for a couple of hours. Hopefully I’ll sleep. I’m going to try and clean my house in just over an hour, floors included! Wish me luck 😂

Im sorry sleeping is still so rough. Anything in the sleep study? Actually I think you did tell me and have a date?

Sleep would make so much more difference.

Im glad to see you day in the sun! Even if it’s just a second that it feels good, it doesn’t have to last but slowly and gradually it will. We just need to find other things and things to help you regulate.

Im thinking of you and going to deep clean in record time! See how I go!

Morning @Captain24 sweet, I'm so glad that you've finished work and that the last 2 nights weren't as bad.

Hope you can get as much done as you want to and then get lots of sleep.

The sleep study is booked for the 26th, really worried that I'm not even going to be able to get enough sleep for a good reading though.

I'm struggling to find anything that helps me to regulate, I feel like things are getting so much worse and I'm finding it hard to manage.

I've got the housing SA meeting today, I'm scared to go in the car with my support worker and about how the meeting is going to go. I really needed to get a decent sleep last night being that I can't even rest today at all. Really sitting with those thoughts of just wanting to disappear today, it's so hard. I'm safe, about to do my dishes and then I'll do some diamond art.

Hello @Nala2022 sweet, tagging you over here. I've tried so hard to get in the sun each day but yesterday was hard, I sat out there but my brain was too busy so I couldn't enjoy it. I barely slept last night which just makes everything feel so much darker and heavier.

Things are really bad for me at the moment, I'm struggling so much to find a reason to keep pushing through. I'm safe, sitting doing diamond art at the moment and I have an appointment at housing SA to go to at 12pm with my support worker.

How are you doing sweet?

I have just climbed into bed. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted but I did a bloody lot! @MissGremlin

I have cleaned the splash back in the kitchen, the benches and everything on them, the glass jars and appliances and stuff. I cleaned all the fridge, stovetop and dishwasher with stainless steel cleaner. They shine! I cleaned the vanity, mirror, toilet and outside of the shower screen in the ensuite. I cleaned the mirror, vanity and toilet in the main bathroom. I have vacuumed all living areas and my room. I moved all the bar stools and chairs into the carpet. Swept and washed the floors. Normally I just push the chairs around! I would have liked to have changed my sheets and shower and wash my hair but I just can’t. I’m dead on my feet.

Im really sorry everything always stays so hard for you. I do understand it and spend most of my time in that space. I really don’t k ow what changed other than I was sick of living like it and had to chose giving up or working my way to find a better place. I had to think of Pix especially and my snuggle buddy. He missed me when I’m at work, he would never cope without me. It has taken me years to get here though. Lots of medication and lots of support. I have been listening to my supports but now I’m hearing them. Plus I heard myself tell my psych what I was putting myself through. I didn’t just say it, I literally heard myself. That sounds strange but that helped. My psych got it.

Any way. Sorry about the long post. I am thinking of you and hope that your appointment works out for you today. I’m hoping the diamond art is distracting you for now.