I can’t cope

@Captain24

I'm sitting here fighting back tears, it's been a really hard day (I'm safe). The duck is in front of me, but i can't feel anything at the moment other than pain and sadness. I have to start dinner in a minute so at least that will keep me busy.

I’m sorry about that @MissGremlin It must be hard. I’d write more but I won’t.

It’s ok to have a hard day and not do anything for yourself. These days happen. I’m in it right now just not as extreme. I will build myself back up on Wednesday (hopefully) I’ll keep working over the next 2 nights to try but I think that’ll be hard and I’m not sure I can do it. But it will pass and may be a little better and little things may help. It’s suppose to rain all next week but I’ll stand in the rain instead. Just for a little bit with a hat on. I don’t like getting my hair wet. Maybe if it’s not sunny that could be something you could try. Even just a minute. Let the rain wash some feeling off you.

@Captain24 I've found myself really stuck with my thoughts/urges. I want to write a post but it will need to be carefully written due to guidelines, I don't want to breach anything but need to talk about what's going on so just need to be careful about how i word things (I'm safe). I'm also mindful that its a triggering subject to talk about and don't want to upset you or anyone.

It's rained here a little today and I often stand out there when I take Casper out but haven't today. I hope you can build yourself back up on Wednesday or even before then but I know it's hard with work.

I received the letter today to say that the service has closed off, that made me happy to get the official letter.

Don’t worry about upsetting me. Post it after I go to work and I’ll see it in the morning before I go to sleep. Then even on the slim chance that it does I’ll sleep it off anyway! @MissGremlin do what you need to

Do you realise you actually do things already that you don’t even realise. You just do it but you need to look at it a little differently. That’s where the changes can come from. The little things with different perspective! Do you open the blinds in your house or keep them closed? I’ve just started too and like the natural light. Plus I leave the front door open and back door and fresh air flows through the main area of the house

@Captain24 see how i go with wording it, I couldn't do it last night.

It's hard to look at things from a different perspective, especially when I'm not in a good headspace and turn everything into a negative. I leave my curtains shut, I don't like the light coming in or the breeze coming through the house. I struggle with getting sunshine as it makes me feel like I'm coming down with a cold/flu which is why I rarely go outside.

I've got so many things racing through me and it's hard to make sense of everything so I'm trying to write it out in the hopes i can make sense of things and work through it safely.

The past couple of days my thoughts have really taken a turn, not in a good way. I've found myself in very risky situations, blanking out and then having to try to piece things together to work out what's happened. These events happen when I get too overwhelmed, when I see black and only focus on one way out. I feel everything all at once, pain, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, hatred, frustration, grief, it all hits so hard and suddenly and I don't get a chance to stop things before it's too late. I try so hard to keep myself busy but the second i stop it all rushes back and consumes me.

This may need a trigger warning/editing but I'll do my best to keep it with limited details. I really don't want to get in trouble so I'm being careful what I say but need to get things out as I know i need to change things to move forward.

This leads to my next situation which is sensitive in nature as it talks about suicide thoughts/plans.

I need to somehow change things, but getting rid of my plan feels really scary and I feel takes away what little control I have. I feel stuck on what to do, how to move past this, what I need to do to keep myself safe even when I don't want to. This is me looking to find a way forward by seeking support and not trying to sit alone with everything just hoping things will be ok.

Please know that I'm safe, sitting in bed with Casper and watching my TV shows. I do plan to talk to my doctor about this aswell but I don't see him until the 25th and there's noone else i can discuss this with.

Hello wonderful human! @MissGremlin

I wanted to respond to this before I finish up this evening.

I am so glad you are writing out your thoughts - what are you discovering?

I know that you are experiencing some scary moments and some big feelings, but the fact you are reaching out here and asking for support is huge. I am glad you are using this space to process.

I understand what you mean, and those blank spaces would feel really scary... I wonder if there could be a safety plan in place for those moments? For example, when you start to notice dysregulation/blanking, can you have a note on your fridge or phone that reminds you to call a crisis line, hug Casper, or reach out here?

I understand the nuance of knowing your plan and how that can create safety in the present, but I think removing access to means would be really helpful; especially if you are noticing that you can access them easily when you are experiencing black out moments.

I wonder if we can trial this?

I am so glad to know you are safe. Please give him a hug for me, and let me know how the GP chat goes too. 💛

Hello @AuntGlow sweet, thankyou for replying. I've read through but I'll reply tomorrow as I'm getting sleepy now.

I've been giving Casper lots of hugs, it's been a really big day today so I'm glad to be snuggled up with him.

I hope you have a good night ❤️

@AuntGlow so much for being sleepy and actually being able to sleep. I don't get how I can be dozing off one minute but then wide awake the next. Anyway I shall reply now.

It's really hard to get things out, as alot of the time things are such a blur after the fact and trying to remember feelings/thoughts is a real struggle.

I've not had a safety plan for a while, since i stopped doing my colouring. It's more that I just try to distract and reach out in those moments but I'm not always recognising the need to and then it goes past that point of being able to catch it. I'm trying to learn the signs of when things are building up but it happens so quickly that I'm missing that chance and then after I can't remember what i felt in the lead up. It's like a vicious cycle cos I can't interrupt it without knowing what I'm looking for.

I'm really not ready to actually remove things and I know that's a big issue, but it's like my safety net right now and losing that feels like I'll spiral out of control. It's something I know i need to work on and ideally I'd like to one day not have to have that safety net to fall back on, that just maybe I'll be in a better place mentally.

I'm still safe, snuggled up with Casper and listening to music.

Hey @MissGremlin

I have read it and understand it so much. I have been there and still have my safety net. But I really don’t have a choice as I need them daily and there is a lot.

I have to go to bed soon as I need to get up early to go to the Vietnam Vets service this afternoon. Mum said it should only go for about half an hour which then means I need to come home and rush to get ready for work!

I will respond fully to your post either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday when I have time and I’m more clear headed!