I can’t cope

@Captain24 it really does help to know that it can happen cos I've seen (or heard) it through you. I've been trying hard to find little moments, even if they are only very short or not very often, they are still there. The next challenge I have though is how to allow myself permission to enjoy those moments, that's where I struggle. Like now my brain is telling me that I should feel guilty for having a moment that I enjoyed, then I self sabotage (I'm safe).

I'm so glad that I've been able to be here with you along your journey, to be able to sit here in the dark moments with you and then to be able to share the joy of when things have started to shift. I feel privileged to be a part of your journey through both the ups and the downs and I'm so thankful to have you here through both with me aswell. I know it's hard but good things are worth fighting for and I hope that one day it's not so hard to fight, that things will come easily for you. You're honestly amazing sweet and I'm so incredibly proud of you ❤️.

That is hard. I did the same. ‘You don’t deserve to have good moments’ ‘you don’t deserve to smile’ ‘you don’t deserve to be happy’ I totally get it. @MissGremlin The more I tried for those moments or just found them like you just did, it got a little easier. I wouldn’t let myself sing to songs in the radio or in the car. So I started singing in my head just not out loud. Then I’d catch myself and stop but I said no to myself and would go back to singing in my head. No is the hardest word to fight against. Let me tell you… it took a lot and I still struggle with it a lot. I’m only new to this and don’t know how long it will last but I have learnt a lot about myself.

One thing that triggered it was my psych making me make a playlist. Some form of upbeat music that I liked. So I made a pink one as her songs are more upbeat than Kylie. For some reason it triggered me in a good way and when she suggested it I was like ‘whatever’ but I trusted her so I tried it.

You like music. Is there an upbeat playlist that you could make? Just a few songs to start with? It does change something. No slow or mellow songs. Stuff like you would dance to in a club?

@Captain24 you're so right, No is the hardest word to fight against especially when it comes from within.

My play list mainly consists of upbeat songs, lots of pink, ed sheeran, 5ive, nickelback and lots of dance music. When I have music playing I'm always singing along and if I'm up I'll even dance around.

It is. Even just one step at a time. Ignore the no once, it’ll still come straight back but know you did it for 30 seconds! @MissGremlin

You’re doing better than me. I’ve literally only just starting sing and dancing around! I wouldn’t do it. That’s a moment to relish in. Think that I couldn’t do it but you can! I’m not joking when I say the music started it.

I have one colour to go and I have finished half of my diamond art.

@Captain24 I'll keep trying to ignore it. Even if it does come back.

Music is therapy to me, it helps me when I've got noise on aswell. If I don't have music playing i know that things are really bad. I can't dance to save my life so it's not a pretty sight when I do, lucky I keep my curtains closed 😂.

Woohoo, that's so exciting! I just finished the section i was working on and I've made myself a hot chocolate before I start the next.

Just for a second @MissGremlin

When it’s dark is when you need it the most. It does get overwhelming though. I was playing it quietly now I’m sure they can hear it out side. I can’t freestyle dance either. I just got more stupid with May facing the more it annoys my dogs!

Do you know what you have done for me? I was just doing diamond art so I wasn’t just sitting starting at a blank wall. No tv no nothing. I got to start enjoying it a bit when we did it together. Now I’m loving it! You did that with your support and connection! Not my psych or GP. YOU!

@Captain24 yes when it's dark is when it's needed the most. Haha our animals can be so easily irritated and judgemental 😂.

Awww sweet, I'm so glad that us doing diamond art together has helped. It's the same for me, before I only did it cos it helped keep me safe but now I actually enjoy doing it especially when we get to sit and connect while we do it together. Thankyou sweetheart ❤️

I’ll try and remind you if I’m around @MissGremlin

Im glad you are enjoying even if I’m not around. Whenever I do it I think of you.

They are judgemental especially Pix she has a really expressive face. More expressive than I have seen in any other dog and Brut was expressive but she out does him! So you can actually read her face and what she is saying! She really doesn’t like it! She was sitting at the front door looking out but has now gone to my bed. Jetts not near me so he must be down there too

Ahhh reading that DID make me smile!! 🥹 @Captain24 I am so happy to hear that you're feeling safe and alive in your body. It sounds like the work you have been doing has created more space for you to experience grounding and joy. 🥰 We absolutely love reading about your inner explorations and how you're learning and growing deeper into yourself.

I also love that you are using your progress to support and encourage the wonderful @MissGremlin - this is so powerful. 😍

I am glad you have noticed that connection with Cap and doing Diamond art feels right for you today - yay for listening in to what you intuitively need!

What are some other reflections you have from your experiences over the last week or so? @Captain24

@Captain24 thankyou sweet ❤️.

I think of you when I'm doing it aswell, especially when you're at work.

Haha Pix is such a character 😂. Casper just gets excited when I'm dancing around so he jumps up with me and joins in then I end up running around the house with him while he's doing zoomies 😂.

This is Casper next to me right now.

@Nala2022 @AuntGlow @Jynx