I can’t cope

The extra sleep was good. @Nala2022. I didn’t beat myself up for it either.

Im working really damn hard at this. It is a massive shift for just iver 2 weeks. Nothing has ever felt this good in that past even the good moments I’ve had haven’t felt like this and have never lasted just over 2 weeks. I am proud of myself and I feel like I deserve this! That is huge for me to say and my psych said I was amazing and I accepted it!

I have never felt relaxed in my life. I now actually know what it is. I’m feeling a little more confident in myself which I have never ever felt. Even from a really young child. I’m able to allow myself time to just do what I want to do in that moment. My house is clean and it’s not a massive push to find the motivation. The ironing, sheets and bathing the dogs are though! I’m not sure that will change! 😂

I am able to start to see some positives in amongst the negatives, like yesterday. My whole focus isn’t negative. If I died tonight in my sleep then that would really matter to me. BUT I no longer wish I was dead or want to die. I had a moment the other day and positive self talked my way out of it. Self talk is so much easier and self care is really easy too. I’m showering usually twice a day which is massive since I would go days without. I’m cleaning my teeth which I never did and I’m putting on clean clothes not just staying in my pyjamas all day. I also walk the dogs (bit uneasy about that now!), spend time in the sun and I also open up my blinds and the front door so I have natural like and natural air. It is really cold though! 😂 I shut them around 3:30 before it starts to get down the the extremes but at least I feel like I have lightened my house and aired it out.

Im also wondering whether sorting out my sleep may help? Imagine if I got a good nights sleep without stopping breathing! I feel like I would be unstoppable!

3 weeks ago I wanted to end my life and now look. I don’t know what changed or how but something did.

@AuntGlow @Jynx 

What were you doing? You can keep doing it if you want and we can still chat! @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 I've been working on making a wonka chocolate bar for a costume. It has been put to the side for now as it was driving me nuts anyway.

I can really hear how exhausting it is to want things to change so desperately while also knowing that change takes time and comes with ups and downs

The fact that you’re still trying, even on the days when that other part of your brain is telling you to give up, really matters. And you’re right, progress is still progress. It’s important to acknowledge our wins, whether they’re big or small, especially when we’re going through a difficult time

You don’t have to figure everything out today, we're here for you @MissGremlin 💛

I am with you, I understand what it's like to feel this way, and I think that honouring your body's needs is the quickest way to cultivate deeper safety today. Maybe a cuddle with Casper and a movie is a good idea? Learning to be kind to ourselves is hard... but every time you redirect towards that kindness amidst self-punishment, you are growing your capacity for self-compassion. Even sharing this and knowing how you feel is evidence that this exists. @MissGremlin 🥰

Yep… put it to the side and come back to it when you are fresher. It’ll make is less frustrating when you have a clearer mind. Also you may think of easier ways or something different while you are not focussing on it. Those random thoughts that pop into your head @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 I'm up to the harder part now of actually doing the lettering. It's just a bit too much to deal with at the moment but I'll come back to it later.

I'm half way with my diamond art now, the big custom one.

Oh and guess what, last night my fitbit decided to die. So I've had to order a new one!

Thankyou @Nala2022 sweet ❤️. I'm going to do some diamond art with captain and I'm hoping it helps to do that while having connection. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day sweet, thankyou for being here today ❤️.

Wow, there is so much progress in this update! 😊

You absolutely should be proud of yourself. Being able to say, “I’m proud of myself” and “I deserve this” when those are things you’ve struggled to feel before is huge. And I love that you were able to accept your psych telling you that you were amazing too!

I also think it’s really powerful that you can look back at where you were three weeks ago and see how different things feel now. You don’t necessarily need to know exactly what changed for you to recognise that something has. You’ve been working really hard at this, and it sounds like you’re finally getting to experience some of the things you’ve been working towards. I hope you do get to sort out your sleep soon, I think that would also make a huge difference in your life @Captain24 4💛

@AuntGlow it will be a good idea and I will do it later, for now diamond art with captain and connection here feels right.

Sometimes I really struggle to see it and even saying it is hard, but it is a reminder that it exists even if i can't feel it all the time.

I think today is just one of those days, physically I'm not feeling great, mentally I feel like a wreck and there's alot of emotions floating around (I'm safe).