I can’t cope

I’m glad you were able to find the feedback form and submit the issue @MissGremlin. Hopefully they can get to the bottom of what’s happened as soon as possible

You really have been trying so hard to hold everything together, and it’s okay if the tears come. You don’t have to keep pushing everything down. Hopefully closing your eyes for a while gives you a little bit of rest and relief, even if it’s only for a short time

Keep taking it moment by moment, and try to remember that you have a lot of strength in you, even if it doesn’t always feel that way 💛

Sorry @MissGremlin I had an extra long shower and lost track of time.

When mum was on the phone to me dad was talking to a lady and my friends husband. The friend I has lunch with. Mum said to them ‘sorry, that was Captain on her way home from work’ My friends husband immediately said ‘she’s tired is she?’ The lady thought it was a good idea that I called. My friends husband also said to turn the music up loud and that helps too. So I’ll try that!

It’s still raining here and I’d love to be on the lounge watching a movie. It’s that kind of night. But alas I’m at the smoking stop. It could be a really long night!

I hope you have been gentle with yourself today and that your heart is settling down a little.

Just know that I am thinking of you even though I didn’t get time before work.

I really hope you can find a little bit of sleep tonight, if not know that I’m awake with you!

I had a horrible night. It wasn’t raining at the start so the roads were graded and meant we were able to drive down them without sliding. After we had our first meal break at 12 I was driving down to the digger and was going really slow and slid sideways all the way down the ramp. I called for the graders to come and cut us lines so we could get down safely. I called the boss and told him we were stopping until they had finished. He questioned me. Told me to drive slow around them so I didn’t crash into them. I told him what happened and he said tell them to get there straight away. He wasn’t happy. Then it started raining so they couldn’t do it. I called him back and told him we would have to wait until the rain had gone through. He told me if it was raining then it’d be fine to drive. We argued and he said ‘well stop them’ with the shits. I got treated so badly for doing the right thing. I don’t want to crash my truck and it was a high possibility. So I called up and said take me of the overtime for the end of shift.

We changed circuits to something that was easier and less dangerous. Then the loader operator yelled at me because I didn’t stop when he said. I had already told him the my horn in the cab wasn’t working. Then he yelled at me again.

It was not a good night. So I’m now home. At least I’m dry and warm. I’m about to put my washing on and have a shower and wash my hair. I need to get that place off me right now. Then I’m going to clean my house and hopefully change my bed linen all by 9 and then go to bed and sleep for however long I like and forget that I work.

There must have been a wild storm here in town last night. There was bits of trees all over the road heading back in and even near my place. My backyard is slightly flooded but has drained. I think it flooded at lot though. I’ll check it in daylight.

Anyway this is long but I need to get it out as it’s eating me up inside and I don’t want it to consume me. I need to get better at dealing with people treating me like shit. I know I’m not very good at my job but I don’t think I deserve what I got over the last 3 nights. I’ve tried really hard to maintain my feeling of being in the window of tolerance but it’s just a bit too hard. I’m not in the window anymore so I’m going to have to try and find it again. It’s so much hard work. I work really hard and actually found it but I think it’s harder work trying to keep it.

So after doing a bit this morning, I got to bed at 10. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted but I was too tired.

I got into bed and couldn’t sleep. I kept dozing and then waking up. Finally at about 1 I got up and had a muesli bar and went back to bed and didn’t wake until 4! I laid around for a little bit and then got up and sorted more washing out.

I need to be cleaning my kitchen but I’m just frozen on the lounge. it’s like it’s just all too much right now. I feel sick because I’m so hungry but… yep.. still frozen in the lounge.

I feel beyond exhausted. I did do a fair bit before bed. But even then I spent time on the lounge and doom scrolling. I has stopped the doom scrolling for a whole. Now it’s back. Does that mean I’m going backwards again? No motivation to cook or clean my kitchen but wanting it done. Is that going backwards again? I’m just so scared that I’m failing and if I am I do t want to tell my psych and let her down. She did warn me though that I would lose it but at least I know it’s there.

Maybe I’m just too tried and overwhelmed right now. My thoughts aren’t great. I’m not being kind to myself at all.

Tiredness and overwhelm make us very susceptible to negative thoughts and feeling stuck @Captain24 I wouldn't be too concerned about 'going backwards'... more like battling uphill at present, which can certainly feel very discouraging but it doesn't undo progress already made. Is there some small kindness you can show yourself this evening? Even if it's just telling yourself that you are okay and that this was to be expected or something like that?

You got this ;)

Hey @Jynx

How are you going?

Did you read that I found my ‘window’ for a few days? It was so good. It felt great. I was so cool and calm and content and relaxed. I’ve never felt anything like it before! Then I had to go back to work. 😢 I needed another week to work on it.

I just had a good stern talking to myself. While I cooked the pasta I unpacked the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen, except the stove top! 😜 I sat down and had dinner and just felt exhausted but I still had 2 things that I wanted to do. They were only 5 minutes each! Nothing hard. So I made myself get up and do them. I feel like I got there in the end. Doesn’t change the stuck and exhausted feeling but I am trying to remind myself that I did come off nightshift last night.

I did a free sleep study from the local chemist. They rang me on Friday and said I have mild to moderate sleep apnea! I have an appointment tomorrow to find out more but that could also be why I’m so exhausted all the time especially on top of AuDHD and the rest. Plus I work so hard to find my way through. When I stop and think, it’s no wonder I’m always exhausted. Plus I keep a pretty clean house as well

@Captain24 ❤️

Hey @Jynx

Im going to bed now. If you do happen to respond I'll get it in the morning but I know not to expect it. I’m not sure what I have done wrong. I know you are really busy and the focus isn’t really on members so

much anymore but I haven’t seen you in a while and figured maybe I have let you down.

Back at you @MissGremlin 

I’m laying in bed just soon scrolling. I can’t sleep. I have a dog either side of me and it’s really comforting but it’s not helping. I’ve had a shower and I had a decent sized dinner. I’ve had my meds and I’ve got my thunderstorm on.

I’ve got a few things running through my mind that happened at work but also replaying things from the past. I don’t know where the past is coming from though. I am really tired.