I can’t cope

Heeeyyy @AuntGlow

I didn’t think you or @Jynx cared. It felt a little like you only matter if you’re struggling and not matter when things have a good moment.

My psych just celebrated the fact that I found the place inside my window. She did all the in-depth things like how did it feel, how did I feel, what was coming up for me, what was I doing daily to feel so good. She did remind me that it’s not going to last but at least I know what I want and what my window is. She said it a lot kinder though! 😜

I felt clam, I felt safe which is something that I can’t remember feeling. I was relaxed which was new to. I could manage to do things or just let my self sit and watch tv. It was all ok with me and I didn’t have to beat myself up or earn it. Whatever I was doing was right in that moment. I felt free. I felt burden less. I felt ok. It was really weird and unusual but I just knew that that was where regular people sat. It was strange the way that ‘knowing’ it was right appeared. I also didn’t have to try and be kind to myself, I just was. No negative thoughts, no I’m useless no nothing.

We have really talked about keeping it. We did try to think of things for during work and there isn’t much really. But I listen to the radio and it plays awesome music. A large variety. So I made myself sing a long a couple of times. Hoping to release what was going on. Sometimes it worked and others it didn’t. I’m really tired now and feeling really flat but I still have one more shift to go and then I can go back to trying to work on it.

I have a question though… do I have to constantly work hard to stay in my window or does it get easier and just natural. I’m tired. I have and continue to work so hard that it’s exhausting. Right now I’m kind of expecting will hopefully expecting that it’ll come back when I finish work. But I’m scared that it’s not. Which is normal and common and expected. It’s just all scary I guess you’d say. I want it to be the same and stay like it but am I expecting too much too soon. I know that I am but just loved those couple of days. It was a great experience. Better than any holiday and this time 15yrs ago I was in Spain!

It was a massive, huge, sensational shift in what has been a horrible world. It was a massive achievement and shows just how hard I work. It was like a little reward of my efforts. Yes… it was significant!

I’ll be at work tonight so won’t see you. I see my psych on Tuesday and would love to chat to you after it if you are around or have time.

I can understand not wanting to go to hospital but at least it would be for long, unlike going for MH reasons! @MissGremlin I get that you have a lot of responsibilities though.

I was hoping that these meds would work for you.

Im really tired and had to ring mum on the way home. I told her I was tired and that the drive felt like a really long way. I haven’t really felt that before. I rang her 15mins out of town and she talked to me until my garage door shut. Work had its moments. The loader operator that I was under, we weren’t friend for a couple of hours. Then I went to a different did unit and nailed it. Then I had to go back to the loader but we weren’t friend friends again.

We do trivia and the guy sings the start of a song and we have to guess the song and the artist. I never get them as they are songs I’ve never heard of before. I got the one on the first nightshift. Never going to give you up by Rick Astley. Then last nights was like a prayer by Madonna. It actually felt good and some of his trivia questions we easier and I could answer them. So if I have to find a highlight from the 2 shifts it would be trivia.

Im just about to feed the dogs have a shower and go to bed.

Please let me know ow how you are going? I’m hoping some sleep found you. I hope the weather is how you want it. It’s drizzly so far this morning but apparently we are getting a heap of raining during the day so that’s a good day for sleeping!

Morning @Captain24 sweet, it's still for varying lengths of time and it's stressful being connected to so many machines.

I'm glad you were able to ring mum on your way home, I'm sorry that the drive felt like a long way. It sounds like work was a mixture of different moments, but at least there was the trivia that was a highlight, you did so well to guess some of the questions ☺️.

Hoping you can get a good rest sweetheart ❤️.

Things today are feeling heavy, my heart is still playing up but not as bad as yesterday, it's been around 130bpm throughout the night and this morning (I'm safe). It's a very wet day here which is the perfect weather that I like, it makes for cosy cuddles with Casper.

I have anxiety but usually it’s not really bad but I don’t know how I would go with that. Ok I think but unsure and you have really bad anxiety so it must be really confronting. @MissGremlin

If I ring mum on the way home and say I’m tired she just talks. Never questions she was heading out to walk Keiko and didn’t hang up while she was walking just stayed and chatted. I don’t do it often but there’s times that I need to. If I was coming home at 3 in the morning and really tired I could just ring her anyway

It’s been a mix for the last 4 days. Up and down like a rollercoaster. It’s so exhausting. At least I found highlights though and felt good about myself in this moments.

Im sorry they are heavy. I know how consuming it is, only too well. Your heart is really a concern though. I hope something comes from the referral. Do you know when any of it can happen? I’m guessing being public there could be a wait?

Im glad you have weather that you love. Hopefully it makes the day a little more restful.

I’ll hopefully pop in before I head off to work. I need to iron work clothes when I get up though. If not I’ll pop in at the smoke stop if it’s not raining. But I’ll be around from tomorrow until Friday!

@Captain24 the anxiety makes it so hard, I don't like feeling restricted so being stuck on a bed with cables coming out at every direction, not even being able to get up to go to the toilet without having to disconnect everything plus multiple IV lines going at once. The machines are constantly beeping cos my heart rate is over what it should be, then goes out of rhythm so they call codes and I end up surrounded by heaps of people with the crash cart in case my heart stops. It gets so overwhelming and I often end up in tears in front of everyone which is embarrassing.

I love that you can ring her and she chats without asking questions, it's so helpful to have that type of support when you need it.

I get that roller-coaster, the ups and downs are incredibly exhausting. But you've done amazing to find highlights.

I'm not even sure how long the waits are, when they make contact to say the referral has been accepted then I'll ask them but yes being public I'm sure it could be a while.

Hope to chat to you before you go to work but if not I look forward to when you're off of work and we can chat more then. Thinking of you sweet and sending lots of love and hugs ❤️.

@Nala2022 I'm replying over here cos my thread now won't work. I've worked it out, when someone breaches the guidelines on a thread it's then shutting the entire thread down!

I tried to rest but after a hurtful message from a friend, those feelings of rejection are hitting so much harder than they were before (I'm safe).

I'm sitting on my bed eating doritos now. I feel like every bit of energy has been zapped out of me.

I’m sorry @MissGremlin, especially after you were already feeling so drained. Having something hurtful happen with a friend on top of everything else would understandably make those feelings of rejection feel even heavier

I’m glad you’re safe and hopefully your Doritos and some quiet time can give you a little bit of a breather. Be gentle with yourself today, you’ve had a lot going on 💛

With the thread issue, when you’re able to, could you please submit a report through the technical feedback form? That way the right team can look into what’s happening with the threads and hopefully get some answers for you. Here is the link: technical feedback form

@Nala2022 losing that thread certainly hasn't helped either 😞. Everything is going wrong. I'm trying hard to be gently with myself, taking things second by second (I'm safe).

That link doesn't work for me but I'll see if I can find the feedback form on the site.

I can understand why losing that thread hasn't helped, especially with everything else feeling like it's going wrong at the moment @MissGremlin.

I'm glad you're trying to take things second by second and be gentle with yourself

Were you able to find the feedback form on the site? Hopefully you're able to submit it there so the team can look into what's happening 💛

@Nala2022 I found the feedback form and have submitted the issue with the threads.

Everything got too much to hold and the tears have started flowing. I've tried so hard to hold myself together, I really have. I'm going to try to close my eyes again, i just want to be able to rest even if it's only for a little while. I'm safe and I'm laying here with a hand on Casper.