I can’t cope

@SunsetSunrise it's really taking so much out of my when it's happening every night, I just want to be able to make it all stop. The earlier I try to go sleep the worse it is, so even when I'm completely exhausted and want an early night i can't get it.

This really was a last resort trying the medication, no services will help me, there's not another medication to try which means that I'll be stuck like this. I can't cope with it, not when things are already so hard during the daytime with having to fight just to keep myself alive then not being able to rest and reset at night time, I've got no strength in me anymore to keep doing this.

I did try a crisis service but after waiting over an hour for it to connect i gave up and there's noone else I can reach out to. I just feel so broken and defeated, it makes that pull towards ending things so much stronger and harder to find a reason to keep going.

Anyway I've somehow made it to daylight and today I have to do the last bit of cleaning before the inspection tomorrow. My support worker should message today to come around at some stage but I'm not sure if I'm even up for that so we'll see what happens. I'm safe for now, I'll be getting up in a minute to start my morning routine and make a cuppa for myself.

Hey @MissGremlin

I'm just checking in. I'm really sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time

It sounds like you've been doing everything you can to try and get support, and I can understand how exhausting and disheartening it must feel when it hasn't gone the way you'd hoped. I'm really glad you let us know you're safe

How are you doing now? Were you able to get your morning routine and cuppa started?

Hello @Nala2022 sweet, I'm really struggling today. I've tried so hard to keep busy, I've done dishes, cleaned the kitchen sink, dish rack, bench, stove, took the bins out, cleaned the bird cage out, picked up Caspers business, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, had a shower and cleaned that and heated up the leftover tacos from yesterday. Now I've crashed, I have nothing in me at all and my thoughts are far from ideal, my brain is just like get through the inspection and then go through with plans. I don't like it and I'm trying so hard to push those thoughts aside but I'm completely exhausted in every way possible. Today is the day I normally see my support worker around 11am but I haven't heard from her and even if i do I'm really not sure I want to deal with it today. I'm sorry I'm not in a good place, I'm truly trying so hard but everything is too much. I'm safe for now, I'm eating my tacos with Casper snuggled up next to me but I'm not sure what my next steps are after this.

You've done so much this morning @MissGremlin and it's completely understandable that you've crashed afterwards

I'm really concerned to hear how you're feeling right now and about the thoughts you're having. I know you've already tried reaching out to crisis services and haven't had the support you were hoping for, but if you're able to I really encourage you to try again, even if it's a different service

I'm glad you've let us know you're safe. If that changes at any point, or you don't feel you can keep yourself safe, please reach out to a crisis service or call 000

Please don't apologise for how you're feeling. It sounds like you've been carrying an enormous amount, and you're doing your best in a really difficult moment. For now, you've already achieved so much today. If you can, let yourself rest for a while with Casper, you don't have to keep pushing yourself. We're here for you and we care about your wellbeing 💛

@Nala2022 I've been in the queue for a crisis service since 10am but I'm scared that it could make things worse if I were to have a bad experience again.

I have my house inspection tomorrow and everything is done for it now. At least while I was keeping busy the thoughts weren't as loud but as soon as I stopped it all just hit so hard.

The scariest part is how the thoughts make me feel, they should worry me but they do the exact opposite, they bring relief (I'm safe for now).

My support worker messaged me and I told her she can come but not for long as I'm exhausted and not in a good space. So she will be here in the next few minutes.

Thankyou sweet, it means alot to know that I'm cared about even when I'm struggling so much and feel like I'm not worth it.

I can understand why you'd be feeling scared. I know you haven't always had the most supportive experiences when reaching out, so I'm really glad you're still giving it another try

It makes sense that once you stopped and everything became quiet, those thoughts came flooding back. I know it's easier said than done, but while you're waiting, try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Even something simple like slowing your breathing a little or stroking Casper's fur might help bring you back to the present moment

I'm really glad you've let your support worker know where you're at today and that you've set a boundary around how long they stay. I hope the visit feels supportive and that you don't have to carry this on your own

And thank you for letting us know you're safe. You are cared about @MissGremlin, and I'm really glad you reached out here today 💛

@Nala2022 I never ended up getting through as my support worker came. The visit was ok, i had a phone call while she was here which was hard as things are still so up in the air due to teams changing over, I just want answers and closure.

I was actually brave and had my support worker come into my house for a few minutes, I don't let anyone in usually. It felt very vulnerable having her in my space but she said the house looked good and then we went back out on the doorstep.

I've just made 2 phone calls to try to get another couple of support letters for housing SA so that I can hopefully be moved to to category 1 but if I can't we're just going to use the ones we already have as there's 4 now.

I'm still not in a good space but I'm laying on my lounge cuddling Casper, it's cold here again today so I've got my wheat bag with me.

I'm sorry i never asked how you were going, so how are you today sweet?

I can understand your need for answers and some closure @MissGremlin. Sitting with so much uncertainty is really hard

That was a really big step, letting your support worker into your home, you should be proud of yourself

I really hope you're able to be moved to Category 1. It sounds like you're trying so hard to get things sorted while also managing such a difficult time, and that takes a lot of strength

I'm doing well today, thank you for asking 😊

The sun has just come out here, which has been really nice

@Nala2022 the uncertainty really is alot to sit with.

Thankyou sweet, it was a huge thing for me.

I have been trying so hard and that's not been easy with how much I'm struggling.

I'm glad you're doing well today sweet, hope you can enjoy the sunshine while it's out.

I'm going to try to switch off for a bit, I really need things to stop for a while, just to be able to get a tiny bit of relief (I'm safe for now). Thankyou for chatting to me sweet and i hope you have a good rest of your day ❤️.

I can understand why the uncertainty feels so heavy @MissGremlin

You really should be proud of yourself. Even with everything you're carrying, you've kept putting one foot in front of the other today, and that isn't easy

Thank you. 😊 I'll definitely enjoy the sunshine while it's here

No worries at all, and thank you for chatting with me too. I hope you're able to switch off for a little while and get some rest with Casper by your side. Go gently with yourself this afternoon 💛