I can’t cope

@Captain24 I can still talk, just not great at huge replies at the moment. I'm hoping we can both get a good sleep tonight, we really need it.

@Jynx @AuntGlow

I’m not sure if either of you are around or interested.

I have found my window of tolerance. My bench mark. My recovery goal!

I have just had an awesome appointment with my psych and we both finished smiling, laughing and cheering.

I have felt really good for the last few days. Able to do things, able to look after myself, able to do self care. It’s been amazing. I know that this place does exist and it is real. It’s not just what my psych says exists. It does exist!

I had a hard day today at a training day. I was with people and talking from just after 7 until 3:20. No 5 minutes break away from anyone. Even when I went to the toilet there was always someone in the cubicles. I struggled but now after my appointment I’m feeling good!

I want to stay like this forever. I know it’s not possible I’m just glad I actually have seen and felt it. I go back to work tomorrow for 2 days and 3 nights so that’s going to be challenging and I know the road is definitely not linear and who knows what the next day is going to bring but at least I have seen it.

It does exist. There is such a place.

Im sorry but I wanted to share as it’s actually some good news.

Just running my bath and because it’s dark I have a candle burning and I’ll turn the lights out. @MissGremlin

I’ll do the dishes while I’m waiting and I’ll make the wraps when I get out if I dont have time before. I’ve got all the time in the world as it’s an hour until feeding time.

Sounds so nice.

@Captain24 it sounds perfect!

I've just hopped into bed, it's been such a long day today and not having a rest has made it so much harder. I'm going to do a small section of my diamond art and hope that I can get some sleep soon.

I got out because I nearly feel asleep. I was in for 25 minutes. I have a headache as I use salt in the bath and it detoxes you. I’ll take pain relief in a second. I’m just going to make one wrap as it has made me so relaxed and tired. Then feed the dogs early and go to bed @MissGremlin

I really hope you can get to sleep. Have you been having any sleep?

@Captain24 it sounds like it was very relaxing in there. Making one wrap is a good idea and then I hope you can drift off to sleep quickly.

I've only been getting 2-3 hours of very broken sleep a night.

Just finished the dogs. Having a smoke and then I’m heading to bed and hoping I don’t wake up until 4:30. @MissGremlin

At least it’s a little bit. I’m hoping you get a lot more tonight. Be gentle with your self tomorrow finishing the last of the tidy up. You got this! I hope you can find some time to just sit and relax.

@Captain24 I'm really hoping that you sleep through until your alarm goes off.

Thankyou sweet. My support worker will message tomorrow to come around at some stage too. I really just want a rest day where I don't have to do anything but I won't get that until the weekend now and even then I still won't get to stop.

Anyway night night sweetheart, lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

I just woke up in a full panic after a nightmare that was far too real, it was a relived trauma. I was crying so much when i first woke up, feeling every emotion that I felt when I went through what happened in the nightmare. It's all still playing out in my head, I can hear it, i can see it and i can feel it within my body. It's really scary and I'm struggling to keep myself grounded, I'm trying really hard to tell myself that I'm safe and that this is only a memory, not happening now but it's so hard.

I'm so tired and my body is also exhausted but when I try to sleep, it's just nightmares and panic attacks constantly. I'm feeling really let down and like I'm failing as I was hoping the medication increase would help and that maybe the nightmares would reduce. There's only 1½mg over the next 3 weeks to increase by until we hit 5mg and that's the highest the doctor is willing to go, if this doesn't work then there's nothing for me. It's really disheartening and I can't keep going through this, it's too much, every night barely sleeping and even trying to nap during the day the same thing happens.

What did I do so wrong to deserve this, why am I being punished constantly 😞. I needed to talk about what's happening and hopefully it helps to not feel so alone right now. I'm safe even though I don't feel it in my body, but I'm laying in bed snuggled with Casper.

I'm really sorry you're going through this @MissGremlin . Waking from a nightmare that feels so vivid it brings you back into those memories sounds incredibly distressing, and it makes sense that you're feeling exhausted after dealing with this night after night. It also sounds like you're feeling discouraged that the medication hasn't brought the relief you were hoping for yet.

I'm glad you reached out and that you've let us know you're safe. I also noticed you mentioned feeling like there's "nothing" if this medication doesn't work. It can defintley feel that way, especially after you've tried a lot of different treatments and interventions. It can be so exhausting to keep searching because nothing has suited you yet. You don't have to figure this out on your own.

For tonight, I hope you can continue leaning on the things helping you feel as grounded as possible, like staying close to Casper. If these feelings get too heavy to carry alone, I encourage you to reach out to the crisis service or another IRL support. You deserve to get the support you need @MissGremlin.

I hope a peaceful, restful, dreamless sleep finds you soon tonight. 💙