I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm glad you've had dinner. Watching a movie and eating ice cream sounds perfect.

Not the sad movie, what are you watching?

Hoping it will be easier with having the list and times to get things done tomorrow.

It was just the first thing that came up on Netflix. It’s actually not that sad right now. @MissGremlin

Im hoping so. They’re not really big things.

Im really struggling

how are you going?

@Captain24 I'm sorry that you're really struggling sweet, we've almost made it through the day just a little bit more to go and then it will be time for sleep.

I'm still really struggling aswell, with so many things being thrown my way i feel like I'm being punished (I'm safe).

I’m really hating life right now. Badly. I’m so tired but I know I won’t sleep. I’ve got to get up and face another day. Wishful thinking that I won’t. I don’t know if I can keep doing this roller coaster. I think it’s easier one way or the other. These teasers are horrible when they just won’t stay. It all just comes crashing back down again and all I do is punish myself. Beat my self up. Why am I so useless and such a failure. Why can I just learn how to function like a regular person. I have unbelievable support in my psych but I feel like I just keep letting her down. I try things all the time to try and help myself but I always end up coming back to hating myself and my life. So much hatred right now.

Hello @Captain24 💛

All that you are feeling is allowed to be there. It sounds like this part of you is really needing some nurturing and support. What could that look like right now? Let's start there.

PS: Remember how you were able to hold two truths at once yesterday? You can absolutely cultivate this again - this experience lives in your body and you know how to create this space for yourself (even if it might not feel like that right now). 🥰

@Captain24 I'm so sorry that things are feeling the way they are right now. I'm sitting with you and sending you so much love and hugs ❤️. I'm sorry I don't really have any words of wisdom right now but I truly get how you're feeling so I know how much it hurts.

I just had a hot shower but the hot water ran out. I have to go and switch the gas bottles over. @AuntGlow. I’ll have to do that in the morning before I have a shower. See I can’t even shower right! I have put my warm

oodie stuff on and I’m about the feed the dogs. So for nurture all I had was that shower that failed.

I had the same positives this morning, walking the dogs and sitting in the grass in the sun. Plus I actually did quite a few things around the house. I can see the positive in my self care this morning. It’s all been taken away. The only reason I did some of my chores was to punish myself for feeling so bad. I pushed until I could barely walk. I pushed until I felt sick with exhaustion. I went and tried to have a sleep but didn’t get much. In the middle of it I had to change washing machine and dryer loads. So I did that but also cleaned the ensuite, laundry and main bathroom before curling up again. I just push and push and push.

I’m going to go to bed now and pray that I get some sleep [edited by moderator]

@MissGremlin @AuntGlow

@Captain24 I really hope you can get a good sleep sweet. I'm thinking of you ❤️.

It's been another really long and hard day. I only managed 2 hours of sleep last night but it was broken, the longest period held 20 minutes but each time I dozed off I woke up in a panic. I was scared to sleep cos I felt like I wasn't going to wake up, I still haven't been able to shake that feeling.

Then today I found out that my oldest child had to go to hospital but I was kept in the dark on why, that has had a huge impact on me, we're supposed to be family, it shouldn't be like this and it's tearing me apart.

I'm worried that my doctor didn't book another appointment in for this week when I really need one. On top of almost being out of my meds I'm also struggling with having pain in my lungs, finding it hard to get a proper breath in and my oxygen levels haven't been good. I'm scared there's something going on but if he hasn't booked an appointment in then it will be a few weeks until I can get in to see him.

I'm sitting with strong thoughts and urges which just won't settle no matter what I do and I'm so exhausted in every possible way making it so much harder to fight. Things got so intense before that right then and there I thought I was going to lose control and act on things. I couldn't see anything else, couldn't see reason, it was all blank. I'm not sure how i even got through it cos I can't remember anything other than how intense it was but then I lose all other memory of it.

I'm safe for the moment, sitting in bed with Casper, watching Buffy/angel and doing by diamond art. I'm truly trying so hard to get through but I'm not sure if it's going to be good enough.