I can’t cope

@Captain24 that sounds like a good plan.

See you've done well already by having a shower, just little steps at a time. Hope you enjoy the walk with Pix and Jett.

Honestly I'm laying here thinking how am I going to get through the day, then there's that part of me that simply doesn't want to. I've had 2 hours of sleep and that was broken up and consisted of only a few minutes at a time the longest being about 20 minutes. Everything inside of me just screams to give up, to not bother fighting anymore cos nothing is going to change. I don't even have the strength to fight today, not with the little sleep I've had. I'm safe for now, laying in bed with Casper snuggled up behind me.

So today we will do our best to just exist, we don't have to feel happy about it or get things perfect, we just need to do our best and make it through the day which we can do together ❤️.

The walk was actually ok. The dogs really enjoyed it and when I got back to my place Pix didn’t want to come in. They walked fast! Faster than yesterday! I do not exercise so it’s a little tough for me. 😂 I took them a different way this morning which was a bit longer and I’ll take them another way tomorrow. @MissGremlin

Im so sorry about your sleep but at least you can just lay and rest. It sounds nice to be snuggled in bed.

I get the not fighting. I gave up fighting and just let things be as they were. It was hard to do but it turned out easier and less tiring. If just laying in bed is all that you can manage now then just let it be. Everything else can wait. The shopping is t going anywhere and they will be back later so just chill while you can.

We will just get through the day together. My way is being busy and your way is resting. Whatever works for each of us to support each other and make it to the end

@Captain24 I'm glad the walk was ok. Casper just pulls on the lead which is why I don't walk him cos it exhausts me and hurts my hands. He used to be such a good boy and was calm. Taking them a different way is a good idea and it means a change of scenery.

I've been trying to get a bit of sleep but it's just not happening. Everytime I doze off I wake up in a panic a few minutes after.

If I gave up fighting though things would escalate, I have to be on guard constantly.

Yes whatever works for each of us. I have no choice but to go shopping but I don't know when to do it, I'm feeling really unsteady today aswell (I'm safe).

That’s hard that he pulls. Have you ever thought of the no pull harness thing? @MissGremlin. Mine are pretty good they walk on a 5 metre retractable lead and know how far they can go and don’t usually pull unless they are in a hurry but they are only little.

The panic thing must be so hard.

I got to the point where I couldn’t be bothered to go through with it. I just didn’t have the energy so I was safe I just let it be. My team knew and it was really concerning that I was feeling that way. I was miserable but just let everything go. It was hard.

Im sitting outside on the grass. It’s really grounding. It’s better than sitting in the chair. For some reason it feels different. I don’t know if it’s the connection to the earth or what. But it definitely feels better.

What can I do to help you go shopping? Could it be a reward to diamond art after? I really don’t like shopping but it has to be done. I write a list and get in and get out!

@Captain24 he's got a harness but when he pulls he ends up coughing from it pulling on his chest.

Unfortunately I'm not at a point where I couldn't be bothered, there's not a day where I don't think about it and don't have to fight myself from not acting on it (I'm safe).

Sitting on the grass sounds wonderful end I'm glad you're finding it grounding. It's nice to just sit in nature sometimes and feel the earth beneath us.

I'm not even sure I'll get to do any diamond art today, though I'm not sure i want to either. Once everything is back to normal then I won't have a chance to stop. I think I'll go to the shops after things are back to normal here, it's going to be cutting it close with time though with having to do other household things.

That’s fair enough @MissGremlin. it’s also har to find the energy and motivation to do it. I’m trying! Otherwise they won’t get walked for 2 weeks. Mum keeps trying to make me walk in the afternoon with them but I don’t want to. It’s annoying and I have to try and be nice the whole time. It’s too hard.

That's sad as you enjoy it. I’m going to finish mine today and clear off the table to try and make these dog jackets. They need to be done and I need the space on my table to draw the pattern and cut them out.

Maybe just enjoy the time to yourself for now until the mayhem hits. Anything I can do to help you feel a little settled?

I’ve opens the doors and blinds so I have fresh air and natural light. I’m still sitting out here trying to decide what chores to do! I had a plan but now I don’t know! But I do need to make this place feel like a home again. That may help lift me a little instead of being embarrassed by it. If you walked in you wouldn’t notice but I do.

@Captain24 yes it's very hard. I was walking him everyday at one stage but then I wasn't well for a bit and lost all motivation and couldn't get it back. That would be tough especially having to basically mask the whole time, it gets exhausting.

The one I'm doing isn't feeling right and I don't think it looks right either, trying to push through it to see it finished though. Finishing yours so that you can do the dogs jackets sounds like a good idea. They definitely need them with the cold weather.

You're helping just by being here to chat to. I should get up and make a coffee and take meds.

I'm glad you've got fresh air and natural light coming in again. Maybe just start with something small and see if it leads to other things. Completely get that embarrassed part, I'm told that it's ok for a house to look lived in.

It is hard to get back into. I’m going to force myself to do it as they live it and it’s good for them but it’s also good for me. @MissGremlin I don’t normally go outside. But walking them for the last 2 mornings has made me want to sit out here and starts my day in a different way. I can’t explain it but it feels different.

It must be hard when it’s not going right. Puts a dampener on things. Maybe could you start a new one for a bit and come back to it?

It is ok but not for me. I don’t even notice what peoples houses are like when I go into them! I’m there to see them not their house. I just like mine to be spotless. It does look it if I just know it’s not! Even all my kitchen cupboards are neat and sorted except for the plastics one. All the wardrobes in each room are sorted too and the linen cupboard is instagram worthy.

Im here all day and not going anywhere. Maybe a nap a little later but im not sure. Otherwise im at your beck and call

@Captain24 it's definitely hard to get back into. It sounds like it's really helping to be doing something different, I love it for you.

I thought about doing a different one but then it means trying to pick which one and that's hard, I really want the custom ones to arrive but then I don't know whether to do mine first or my friends.

My house is far from spotless but it's clean, I've accumulated so much stuff over the years not just of mine but now there's just nowhere to put things and I haven't been able to get rid of things easily. You do amazing to have everything in order and clean, I just want organisation with things in my house so I know where things are when I need them.

Thankyou sweet, i really appreciate you being here more than you know ❤️.

I'm going to get up to have a coffee and do some of the diamond art, the sooner I get it finished the sooner I can start another one.

It is helping and sitting out in the sun has been amazing. There is no breeze so it’s good. @MissGremlin. I’m starting to hope pulls me up a bit. I actually think it might especially with having some time off work and not just lazing around.

I don’t know which one to do first. It’s hard. What I do is open the box and pull out one. They come in one box for 2. So which ever one I pull out first gets done!

Im trying not to accumulate stuff. But I pretty much know where everything is. Expect in the room that I do the ironing in. It needs a cull.

I've decided what to do first. I’m going to bath my dogs! Then I have to change the bedlinen 😢. Then I will tackle the pantry as it’s bin night tonight and I can get rid of the out of date stuff. See what happens after that. But I think that’s enough.

That’s true. If you can get it finished then it’s done and out of the way. Maybe if you take your time your new ones might be here. I’m not sure that they will arrive this week but should definitely arrive next week! I’m trying to work out which one to do next. I have a pre-made from that place that’s only 30x40 so it shouldn’t take too long and hopefully mum will have done the photos by then. I do have a few of the cheaper ones as well though.

You are always here for me so it’s my turn to be here for you.