I can’t cope

I do have to do it alone @Jynx but I get to see my psych in 9 days. It’s been a long 7 weeks without her.

Im still overwhelmed, just more added to it. It’s just continuing to get worse and too much. I can’t take anymore. I have 2 nightshifts left and then I have 13 days off. That seems like so far away though. A lot can happen in 2 more days.

I do have an anger management problem. People that meet me and know me don’t have any idea. Those that are close have some idea but not how deep it is. But I also angry cry. I try and hold my anger in as I can actually go black with rage and not even remember what I have said I done. Only a few people have been on the receiving end of the full blown me. @MissGremlin

I wish it was viable but the one that I know has shutdown so I would have to go somewhere new. They last time I went 2 years ago there was people in there that I had met the last time. A new one would be different but I do have a place in mind for if it is able for me to get there.

@Captain24 there's been times when I've just snapped and I don't realise what's happened or what I've done until after the fact, it's horrible when it takes over.

Maybe you can work something out so that you can go sweet especially if you feel that it might be helpful.

I nearly hit a friend apparently. I threw stuff across the shop apparently, I slammed a door so hard it came of its hinges apparently, I did see the door after though! 😂 Everyone one was scared of me for the next while. Apparently I was out of control. @MissGremlin. That’s just one time! One loss of control over it.

Not with Pix. I can’t get anyone to look after her properly and I don’t think I would physically be able to leave her for three weeks. I wouldn’t cope with it. I’d be scared that something would happen.

@Captain24 thing is that it's so hard to calm down once it gets to that point so I'm not surprised those things happened. I've lashed out but usually it's taking things out on myself which ends up in me being hurt (I'm safe).

I completely understand, it's the same for me with Casper. Well no matter what I'm here for you sweetheart and we will keep getting through together even when things feel impossible ❤️.

I hope you have a reasonable night @MissGremlin

My work shirts are hung and my jeans are in the dryer. I’ve had a hot shower and have jumped into bed. An hour late but at least I’m here now. Hopefully I’ll go straight to sleep.

Good night and please look after yourself.

@Captain24 I'm so glad that you're in bed sweet and i really hope you can fall straight to sleep.

Night night sweetheart, lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

I just need to get this out. I'm feeling so frustrated, I was so exhausted earlier tonight and thought that maybe I'd be able to get a good sleep. But I keep waking up after having nightmares and then having full on panic attacks. After the rage I was sitting with last night, my body is so sore as I was tense trying to fight myself. I'm still carrying so much tension and keep finding myself clenching my jaw and shrugging my shoulders, I try to relax them but a few minutes later I'm doing it again. Everything just feels so intense right now, the thoughts, the panic, the rage that's still lingering. I'm trying so hard to settle so that I can get some more sleep but it's really difficult. I've tried to have a cool drink and I got up to walk around my house, I watched some funny videos and listened to some music but it hasn't helped. I'm safe, snuggled in bed with Casper.

My alarm has gone off an hour ago. I am so so so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open but I have to go shopping and go to the chiropractor. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. I don’t want to face the world today. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I need a bed day. I’m so exhausted mentally my brain feels burnt out. It’s like my brain is tired. My head is heavy.

Morning @Captain24 sweet, i really can relate to that heavy head feeling today. My alarm went off just before aswell so I'm up and have to face the day as much as it feels like it's too much (I'm safe). Maybe today is just about taking it one little step at a time? I'm here with you sweet ❤️.