I can’t cope

I laid in bed for over 6 hours and got 3 hours and 27 minutes sleep. I couldn’t stop replaying last night. It was on a loop. It didn’t matter how loud my white noise was it wouldn’t drown it out. I couldn’t stop it. I also got hungry so I got up and had lunch. While I was just laying there not sleeping, when the washing machine finished I swapped loads and put it in the dryer. I did it again when the next one was finished. I’m really tired. I did get up and fold everything that I pulled out of the dryer, got my washing off the line and ironed it all. Now I need to do the dusting but don’t know if I want to but if I’m busy it helps stop thinking about last night. Or maybe I could go and lay back in bed for a bit. I really need some decent sleep.

I went back to bed. Now I have a pounding headache. I’m really miserable and down. I’m really out of sorts. I’m feeling really alone. It was kind of nice actually having people care last night. Other than my team I haven’t had that kind of care from anyone in really life. But I am embarrassed that I needed it.

Hey @Captain24 I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult night hun. Sounds like the people at your work were really caring and understanding, even though I can imagine the vulnerability hangover is rough.

Glad you're trying to get some rest, hope that the headache is manageable! Do you have much left to do or are you able to continue resting for now?

Hey @Jynx

How embarrassing having a complete meltdown at work! I’m pretty ashamed

It is tough. I couldn’t sleep today because the whole 2 hours are on repeat. The sobbing, the wailing, tears pouring off my chin, the cuffs of my jumpers wet from tears. It went for 2 hours. Then an hour trying to settle myself.

I still have the dusting but I’ll just do it tomorrow. I’m just sitting in the lounge feeling really sorry for myself. My head is barely manageable.

How are you going?

@Captain24 I'm not staying around as I simply don't belong here or anywhere (I'm safe). But I just wanted you let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs ❤️.

Did I do something wrong? Something that made you feel not wanted? @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 no you didn't sweetheart.

I do get how easy it is to feel a lot of embarrassment about something like this @Captain24 but try to remember that we are almost always judging ourselves more harshly than others. Do you think that there's a different way to see this event than as one of shame? Like maybe it was a moment where you needed support from your fellow humans, and they came through for you and didn't punish you for having big feelings?

Glad you're taking things easy for now ;)

Hi @Captain24

I’m sorry for the late reply.

I really do think it's a massive step that, looking back, you can recognise what you needed in that moment. That shows a lot of insight, even if it didn't feel that way at the time.

I also really hear what you shared about punishment. It sounds incredibly painful to be so hard on yourself in those moments, especially when you can offer so much understanding to others. You deserve that same compassion too

You deserved the same care and understanding you would give anyone else. I know believing that is much easier said than done, but I hope with time you can begin to show yourself even a little of that same compassion 💛

How are you feeling today?

@Captain24 it's all just me. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm shutting down completely. Not feeling like this is a safe space anymore is having a huge impact, I can't be myself, I feel like I can't trust anyone around me cos I don't know where this has come from. I'm living under constant pressure, constant uncertainty of when, if, what's going to happen. As you know the not knowing is the hardest part and not something that's easy to let go. I feel bad that I've been coming and taking over your thread, this is your space, not mine.

I truly feel broken in every single way, I said to someone yesterday 'I just want to be held, to feel safe, to feel cared for'. I feel like I'm in a million pieces and I don't know if it's possible to put them all back together again.

This community was everything to me but now I feel like I've been forgotten about by the majority other than you and a very select few. It feels like I'm fading away and noone even notices or cares. Anyway that's what I'm sitting with and have been for a while now. I'm safe.