I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm glad you slept well despite having to get up a couple of times.

The countdown is on! Starting tonight fresh sounds like a good idea and it's good that you're feeling better than last night too.

Brrrr it's definitely cool where you are then, hopefully you keep warm at work tonight sweet.

I actually slept rather well last night, whilst I had many nightmares i wasn't awake for long in between. 9 hours and 12 minutes is unheard of for me!

I've only been talking here about things, any other threads have only been very brief and random chats. I just don't feel comfortable in my thread or many others at the moment.

I had an absolutely horrible night. I had a complete breakdown. I was sobbing and wailing and couldn’t breathe. The tears were just running and dripping off my chin. The cuffs of my jumper were wet with my tears and I mean wet not damp. I completely humiliated myself. When I had to talk on the 2 way you could hear it in my voice. My crying and sobbing set the camera off in my truck and the video went through to my boss and he called me up to meet him. I was really worried about what would happen. But he was pretty good and handled it better than some professionals. I spent just over half an hour with him in the cold, he left and said to give myself some time. I had a couple of cigarettes and then thought of my safety plan. Being out in the cold was what triggered the thought. By cold I mean 1 degree! I say there for a bit on. Y Len trying to settle myself then I went and washed my face with cold (icy, not hot water there) water. I also had a can of redbull in my lunch box that was really cold so drinking the cold can helped. All on my safety plan, my psych will be impressed!

I then called up and said I was getting back in my truck to get going. They sent me to a different job, which was leas pressure do 45 minutes. While doing it I called up and asked if it was possible for me to stay on it and not just the covering a meal break. They said ‘of course you can!’ So it was a bit easier after that but I was exhausted from the meltdown and I decided it was best not to do the last 2 hours of overtime.

Now I’m home and can barely keep my eyes open but I can’t go to bed until I’ve fed the dogs at 8:30. I’m going to go and have a hot shower and wash my hair. Clean that place off me. I’ll do some of my list while I’m waiting for the time to tick by. Then I can sleep as long as I need to.

Im feeling really drained, mentally and emotionally exhausted, ashamed and humiliated. But I guess that’s what is expected after that. I have a real lot of self hatred and beating myself up over not being good enough and being a failure. I’m glad it’s the last one and I don’t have to go back until Friday. Maybe I can reset over the next couple of days.

Hi @Captain24,

That sounds like such an overwhelming and exhausting night. I’m really glad you had your safety plan to lean on and that you were able to recognise what you needed in the moment, including asking for a different task and heading home when you were done

It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling drained and shaken after everything you’ve been through. I hope the next few days give you the chance to rest, reset, and be gentle with yourself. You’ve been carrying a lot 💛

Hey @Nala2022

It was a really big night. I don’t have meltdowns very often and only one ever at work. That was a big one too.

Im glad I just sat in the cold by myself otherwise I wouldn’t have thought of it. I was actually about to call up dispatch and ask

if I could go off the run for 10

minutes I was going to call up when I got to the dump but the message came through first. So I’m actually proud of myself for knowing I needed to get out. I actually did a really good job of dealing with it all I think.

Im not being very gentle though. I pushing myself because im disgusted at the way I acted. I’ve done 2 loads of washing, there wash too many work clothes for 1. I’ve had a shower and washed my hair, cleaned the shower and shower screen. I was ‘mindful’ in the shower though and just let the water run over me. I’ve cleaned the ensuite and main bathroom and I’ve changed my sheets and doona cover. Now I’m about to attack the kitchen. Clean the benches thoroughly and wipe down all the cupboards and clean the microwave. Hopefully by then it’ll be time to feed the dogs. But I’ll probably do all the floors first. I just push myself to hard and to far when im like this. It’s not healthy.

I’m really glad you’re able to look back and recognise that you actually did a really good job getting through such an intense moment.

I also hear you when you say you’re pushing yourself too hard now. It sounds like you’re trying to “make up for” what happened, but you don’t need to punish yourself for having a really human moment. You were overwhelmed, not failing.

I hope you can give yourself some of the same kindness you’d offer someone else in your position. You’ve already done a lot today, it’s okay to let yourself rest too @Captain24 💛

It is a good thing that even in that meltdown that I could see what I needed. That’s a massive step. I didn’t see it in the moment but looking back I can. @Nala2022

The kitchen and kitchen cupboards are clean. The dogs are fed. I need to sort out my meds for the week as I have t taken them yet. Then I may as well do the dusting and then do the floors. That’ll be my list done except for bathing the dogs and all the washing of towels, theirs and mine and s

the sheets and doona cover! Plus a light load for tomorrow and my work jumpers! That’s a lot of washing.

I never thought of it as making up for it. I always thought of it as punishment. I didn’t cope in that moment, well 2 hours, so I deserve to be punished for doing the wrong thing. In my eyes it’s not ok for me to have a meltdown but if anyone else does then I will support them and tell them that it’s ok and if that’s what you need in that moment it’s ok. But I can’t tell myself that even if I try. It doesn’t work when it comes to me.

@Captain24 I'm so sorry that last night was so horrible sweet but I'm really proud of the way you handled things and used your safety plan.

I'm hoping you can get a good sleep today and that things are feeling better when you wake up. So glad that you have a few days off now and I hope it helps to reset before going back to work. Sending lots of love and hugs to you ❤️.

My house is clean other than the dusting. I just can’t physically punish myself anymore. I’m literally shaking with exhaustion and my legs are all wobbly and it’s not safe to keep going.

I’ve just climbed into bed with my white noise and I’m hoping I’ll get plenty of sleep.

Thanks @Nala2022 @MissGremlin

Ill talk when I wake up

@Captain24 you've done incredible to get as much done as you have sweet. Time to let your body and mind rest for a while. Hopefully I'll talk to you later sweetheart ❤️.

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