I can’t cope

Today was tough. When I woke up I really didn’t want to go to work. Then everything I did was a mess. The one thing I’m really good at I couldn’t get right. The operator said to me what was wrong today! At least he knows I’m normally good.

I had to socialise with people and pretend to be all ok. That masking is so exhausting. But no one noticed. I did my best.

The drive home was slow because I got stuck behind slow cars and all I wanted to do was get home. I don’t want to go tomorrow either. I just want to curl up and hide and forget the world exists. That I exist. I’m safe but don’t want to be.

I am over this

I’ve just had a hot shower and crawled into bed. Im pretty sure sleep will find me soon. Hopefully.

@Captain24 this space isn't safe for me anymore. Screenshots have been used against me 😞. I'm devastated but I don't know what to do other than close my account. They're out to destroy my life. I'm safe but feeling beyond hurt and angry. I've just sat in bed, I haven't stopped since I got up this morning.

I’m so sorry that they are doing that. You have never said anything about them so why screenshot anything? @MissGremlin

Ive just had a shower and jumped into bed. Can we talk about this tomorrow night? I have an idea of something but I want to be able to delete it when I suggest it.

Im really sorry that they are doing this to you. It shows what kind of people they are. I’m sorry but I have work in the morning. I was thinking of you all day.

Please can we talk tomorrow night? I have time then?

@Captain24 I'm just shocked, family shouldn't do this especially not ones you gave birth to and ones who gave birth to you. My heart is broken, I feel completely shattered.

I'll try to leave my account open but right now I just don't feel safe even being on here knowing that I'm being watched by them (I'm safe).

I hope work goes ok tomorrow sweetheart, sending so much love and hugs and thankyou for always being here ❤️.

I’m trying to sleep but I’m scared of losing you @MissGremlin. I’ve just taken extra medication in the hope it helps. Yes… safely

@Captain24 losing this space scares the hell out of me and losing the connection here with you and others that mean so much to me. I just don't know what to do, I've already had to leave here before and then create another account, I've changed my name but they are completely stalking me on here. Try to get some sleep sweetheart, I'm sending you so much love and hugs ❤️.

Hi @MissGremlin . I tagged you in a thread.

Ive been grocery shopping and spent all my money. Except for my emergency account which I’m going to have to use for Pix.

Im feeling really tired and low today. I’ve got 3 night shifts ahead of me and that’s exhausting. Plus there is an event in town and the speed limit has been dropped from 100 to 60 for about 3kms the the whole 80

zone is 40. I’m going to have to remember to go the other way to work but I don’t really know the road. That’s stressing me out.

I’m having the dark thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. I just want to give up. I do t want to go on. It’s all to hard. Not long ago I was in a good space. My psych said she was hoping it would last longer but she expected this to happen. I haven’t seen her for weeks and I can’t see her next week either. I just can’t afford it and that’s adding more stress. I am safe but I don’t want to be.

@Captain24 I'm glad you went grocery shopping sweet but i know it's hard not having much money especially with Pix's vet bills.

Having the roads you'd normally take with the speed limits being dropped would be so frustrating. Taking another route is a good idea but I understand it being stressful if you don't know it that well.

I'm sorry those dark thoughts are there, it's so hard when those good moments don't seem to last very long. But they are there and even though things are hard right now, it doesn't mean they will be forever. I really hope you can get in to see your psych soon as I know how much it helps, even to just get things out and have insight into why things are the way they are. Sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️.

I have enough food to get me through until Thursday night and I think I have enough food for the dayshifts after that @MissGremlin so me and the dogs won’t go hungry. I’m just stressing how much the next bill will be. Either $260 or $900+! I’d prefer the 260 this month but if she needs those tests then she will get them.

I see my psych in 3 weeks. I won’t have the money that day but I did ask and see if I could pay it in the Friday. She was proud of me for asking for what I needed. So she is just going to invoice me i stead of taking it straight out of my account. So that’s good. She also said that if I needed to see her before then that we could work out a payment plan but I dont want to do that. I don’t like owing people money.

It’ll be dark when I’m driving to work so I won’t be able to see where I’m going properly! It’ll be an adventure for sure and I think there is more kangaroos! At least it’ll be daylight on the way home. Apparently there is less traffic as well. There is 4 minutes difference on google maps. It’s a really rural road though. I don’t think it has fog lines in the edge of the road because it’s not wide enough! Country living.. 😂