I can’t cope

That kind of makes sense @AuntGlow Sitting with whatever is happening will be easier and more comfortable?

It actually felt like a relief to just sit there and let the feelings roll over me without doing anything or distract from them. It wasn’t comfortable but I stopped all the ‘what should I be doing’ and just sat.

@Captain24 it's ok sweet. I'm so sorry that you haven't been able to get leave this time but I'm really hoping you can get approved for the next one. You really need a break, i can see that. I've been thinking of you, sending lots of love and hugs ❤️

I’m hoping so. 7 weeks is a long time but it’s 5 blocks of work so I’m going to try and count that down. @MissGremlin

I sat in the truck for the first 5 hours of my shift as the roads were to slippery on my circuit from all the rain last night. Then we had our lunch break and when we came back it was already to go. Did a few laps and it started to get a little slippery but we just kept driving. I was holding onto my truck so I didn’t slide into the edges.

Then a call comes over the 2-way. Copy Captain. Captain copies. Captain do you have a ….. car? Yes I do. You have a flat rear tyre. That’s great (sarcasm) Thank you.

I sat in my truck stressing. I have never changed a tyre in this car. I don’t think I could even lift them. I haven’t check my spare in the shop nearly 7 years I’ve had it. Is it flat? Please tell me the is air in it? How am I going to do this? Could I ask for help? No of course not I do everything on my own.

Went on my second break and the guy I drove there said he and the girl that got in my truck would help. I was ever so grateful.

I finish work and get to my car and there is 2 other guys standing there and just told me to pop the boot. They did it all. Changed it put it back in. Those two guys could have gone home. Didn’t know that I needed help but stayed and changed it and wouldn’t let me help. The guy that was going to help came with his rattle gun and helped to. I was absolutely astonishing to see. The care and thought that they gave me was amazing. I’m going to buy them all a block of chocolate each tomorrow.

@Captain24 counting down 5 blocks of work sounds more manageable i reckon. I know it feels like a long way away but if you get approved it will be something to look forward to and focus on.

Oh no, not the car tyre. I can only imagine how stressful that would have been in the moment and then the worry of how to change it by yourself. I'm so glad that they stepped in and helped out sweet, especially when you needed it the most. Buying them all a block of chocolate to say thankyou is a perfect idea.

Sorry it was a long post. @MissGremlin.

Im just like… what else can go wrong. Now I have to go and hopefully get the tyre fixed tomorrow when my morning was already busy. If they can’t fix it I’m up for 2 new tyres. I can’t afford that. And my luck that’s what it’ll be. I think I used up all my luck today with them helping. I was so shocked.

Im tired, I’m exhausted, I’m broken. I’ve got nothing left in the tank. I’m ready to just give up on everything. I’m safe.

How was your day?

@Captain24 it's completely ok sweet.

I'm hoping it can be fixed rather than having to get 2 new tyres. I'm up for all 4 be tyres on my car soon, meanwhile I'm still trying to get Casper to the vet to get his ear looked at and his vaccinations, plus my ambulance cover is due. I feel like it all happens at once.

I hear you sweet and I'm sitting in that same space with you.

My day has been really hard, I did share a post on my thread before to AuntGlow if you wanted to read it, it might help to explain things and saves me having to repeat it all. I'm safe, sitting in bed doing diamond art and snuggling up with Casper.

Tyres are expensive especially when it’s an SUV. @MissGremlin

I just read it. It sounds really hard for you. You are not a failure. You are just someone who is struggling and it came to that point. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, here is the place that most people understand. If that was the better option in that moment then it is what it is. Don’t beat yourself up for it. It could just be a lapse and not a relapse. Of that makes sense.

@Captain24 yes SUV tyres are much more expensive. Keeping everything crossed that it can be fixed for you.

Thankyou sweet. I've been trying to be gentle with myself but it's not easy when those feelings of shame and failure come into play. In that moment things all got too much and that was the lesser of 2 evils if that makes sense. I was able to talk with the person that rang about it and she was very gentle and understanding, she said that I'm so strong to be coping with everything that I am especially with not having any support from professionals.

Gah, I am so sorry you weren't able to get leave... it sounds like your nervous system really needs the rest. We can work on strategies together, okay?

Speaking of - I can see how hard you are working on caring for yourself and it seems like you are noticing what you need much sooner, which is so amazing to read. @Captain24 This is huge progress and I want to highlight that. Even noting that sitting with your feelings felt like a relief!! I don't think that the Captain I met when I started a year ago would have felt this comfortable with discomfort. So, whilst this is hard, you are doing so well to better nurture and support yourself through the challenge. And for that, I am incredibly proud of you. 🥰

Yes be gentle @MissGremlin Thats what I meant by the better option.

I am so glad that they validated you. It must have been a little relief to have some one see you and see what’s going on. I know it doesn’t help your situation but at least you were seen as who you are and what is happening.

Im about to head to bed. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it any longer.