I can’t cope

Hey @Captain24 💛

I just wanted to check in before I head off for the evening.

I can hear that you're feeling quite heavy tonight and it sounds like little Cap could use some love and nurturing. What could that look like right now?

You have absolutely put in the work to care for yourself and that has been very evident. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but even though today is hard, that doesn't erase all of the amazing work you have done.

I wonder what could be contributing? And is it possible that your body and mind might just be needing some rest right now?

Let me know - I will check in when I am next on, okay? Here for you. 💛

It ok @AuntGlow. you don’t have time so I won’t bother you.

I’m really missing how the forums use to be tonight. I know it’ll never be the same again but just feeling a little lost right now.

@Captain24 happy to hold hope for you while you can't

hoping the next 2 days are better.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, i truly understand how you're feeling and thinking. But know that you haven't done anything wrong, healing takes time and there's going to be ups and downs along the way.

You're still doing amazing even though you've not felt ok today, you still pushed through to do things and look after yourself.

I know what you mean and I miss it too. It's actually quite sad that it's gone the way it has, what was once a space that was held together by the community and the peer support workers is now just a space that is the community doing their best to support each other but for alot of us our cups are empty and we're struggling so much ourselves that supporting others is limited.

@MissGremlin @Captain24 hey you two. Hearing you both. Been meaning to check in anyway and see how you are both going?

Re: the 'old forums' and how you've been feeling since the changes - I know I will sound like a broken record when I say this, but I really encourage you to provide this feedback of your experiences via our Feedback page.

Even if you don't get much of an individual response, the more members who speak up about what they want this space to look like, the more likely that things can change. More voices = more power, the power of community 😉

Not great @Jynx. I’ve called in sick for the last 2 days. I don’t know what I have done wrong. I’ve been working really hard. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I must just deserve this. Please note I used the work feel!

I’ve also sent you an email if you could please read it when you get time. Im lying in bed so I may nod off but I’m trying not to

Hello @Jynx, things for me have been really hard, I've lost every support I had so I'm now left to somehow manage on my own which is really not working out. I'm just sinking further and further into a hole that I can't dig my way out of, it's completely consuming me (I'm safe). I can't even say exactly how I'm feeling cos I'm scared to get in trouble and then lose this space which I couldn't cope with right now as here is all I have for connection and any kind of support. I've been wanting to send an email to seek clarification and discuss the confusion I'm sitting with around emails I've received recently. But trying to find the words is hard and knowing I probably won't even get answers brings up the feelings of rejection even before it's happened.

As for feedback, I've done it before but I don't have the capacity right now to do anything other than just exist.

I'm in bed with my diamond art in front of me just sitting there, Casper next to me and music playing.

Hope you're doing well.

@Captain24 I saw that you said 'feel' - nice one. Those are not easy feelings to contend with, for sure. I think that calling in sick is the opposite of failure - it is seeing that you've reached your limit, and choosing to prioritise yourself rather than pushing through. Maybe there are some ways you can try to show yourself (maybe tomorrow, when you're not already in bed!) that you didn't need to earn the time to rest, that you're not doing anything wrong, and that you are deserving of good things. Even if it's something simple like running yourself a hot bath and doing nothing but soak for a couple hours!!

@MissGremlin I can hear how heavy things are and how alone you feel hun. I'm glad you have this space and if it feels safer right now to err on the side of caution, then that may be your best bet - not because I don't want you to express yourself, but because sitting with that anxiety might be too much in this moment.

Perhaps sit on the emails for a day or two and see if the words come to you? The emails aren't going anywhere, and sometimes it can help to sit with the feelings of anticipatory rejection for a bit first before we act.

So valid that you don't have the energy right now, and it's always good to focus on the most important things for the here and now, when we have such limited spoons.

Sending hugs your way 💜

@Jynx it's hard when i don't have anywhere i can express myself though cos things just keep building up. I'm trying to not let things get to that point where things are so bottled up that I feel like I'm going to explode. Not having my counsellor to talk to or even message in between appointments to get things out makes things hard and I've tried journalling but it's not the same and doesn't feel right. There's also only so many poems I can write that are basically all about the same thing.

As for the emails, that's what I'm doing while I try to work out exactly what I want/need to say. I just feel like certain ones are so contradicting when they were only a few days apart.

I start my days with no spoons and nothing seems to be helping to give me anything to work with. I was talking to an online friend today about ways I can look after myself but it's hard when I've tried so many things and right now I just have no energy or motivation to do anything other than lay on my lounge with Casper during the day.

I'm safe and doing what I can to keep myself distracted plus reaching out to the crisis service when I can actually get through. I've been spending hours just trying to actually even get in the chat queue which is hard when you need support in the moment not after the fact. But I keep trying, I'm doing my best.

Thankyou for the hugs ❤️.